Ask Perrie: Carrying So Much

First, I want to say how sorry I am that you and your family are going through this. There is so much uncertainty in what you shared, and on top of that, you are caring for 14-month-old twins. It makes complete sense to me that you are feeling overwhelmed, and I’m glad you reached out for more support here with us.

I want to start with the waiting portion of what you’ve shared, because waiting for answers when cancer is a possibility can be excruciating. There are still questions about what is happening with your boyfriend’s health that his medical team will need to answer, and I know that having to wait another two weeks for the colonoscopy probably feels impossibly long right now. When we don’t have all the information, our brains often try to fill in the missing pieces. Unfortunately, anxious brains are rarely known for filling those spaces with comforting possibilities! 

Sometimes when we are scared, every possibility can feel like too much. Many end up on the wrong side of Dr. Google, stuck ruminating on “what ifs,” or feel frozen by the emotions. It can help to slow things down when you are feeling this way, and do your best to help your brain focus on what’s right in front of you right now. You don’t have all the information yet, which means your brain may be trying to solve problems you don’t have enough information to answer, like treatments or what the next steps will look like. When you notice yourself getting pulled far into the future, it may help to ask yourself, “What do I actually know to be true right now, and what do I need in this moment?” I can’t promise that it will remove the fear entirely, but often this simple act of slowing down and becoming more present-focused can turn down the temperature. 

I’m also really struck by the fact that he hasn’t told anyone this news. I absolutely understand and respect that this is his health information and that he gets to decide who knows about it. At the same time, you are living through this experience too, and it sounds like holding everything by yourself is becoming a lot.

I wonder if it might be worth having a conversation with him about how you can respect his privacy while still getting some support for yourself. Maybe there is one trusted person you both feel comfortable bringing into the circle, or perhaps your support comes from someone outside of your immediate life, such as a therapist or caregiver support group.

Being the romantic partner of a young adult navigating cancer can put you in a really unique position. You are still his partner, but you may also find yourself taking on pieces of caregiving, parenting, appointments, advocacy, logistics, and emotional support, all while having your own fears about someone you deeply love. It can be really easy for your needs to move further and further down the list when the person you love is sick.

I know the whole “put your own oxygen mask on first” saying can feel a little cliché, but it’s stuck around for a reason. Caring for yourself is vital to continuing to show up for the people you love. That doesn’t mean you need an elaborate self-care routine right now. It may simply mean making sure you have people you can lean on, accepting help with the twins if available, getting enough food and rest when you can, or having a place where you don’t have to be the strong one. You are allowed to need care while caring deeply for him.

I’d also encourage you to look into the Colorectal Cancer Alliance. They offer support and navigation for patients, caregivers, and family members, which may be especially helpful as you figure out what resources are available to your family. CancerCare also provides free counseling, support groups, education, and other resources for people affected by cancer, including caregivers and loved ones.

Most importantly, I want you to know that needing support does not take anything away from what your boyfriend is experiencing. You love someone who is going through something frightening, you are parenting two very young children together, and you have been trying to carry an enormous amount of uncertainty largely on your own. It makes sense that you have reached a point where you need some care and support too.

Sending you and your family so much care,

Perrie