Awkward Auntie Question No. 21

Ever had a question about relationships or sex that you just can’t ask your oncology care provider? Ever felt too shy to ask a nurse or doctor a question, but really needed the answer? Now you can ask those questions and get answers from Dr. Anne Katz, the Awkward Auntie! We’re back for another round of Awkward Auntie. Read on for some more recent Q&As! 

Question: I have absolutely no desire to have sex. What can I do to fix it?

Answer: You have been through a LOT and have the scars to prove it! The lack of desire may be related to your altered body image (justified), the side effects of the chemo and radiation that have resulted in pain with sexual touch or penetration. And then there is the colostomy…..  We know that for some women, a total hysterectomy alters the occurrence or sensations of orgasms, and of course, you likely have a LOT of internal scarring from the removal of lymph nodes and pelvic floor muscle. 

But you know all this…

What can you do to fix it? Firstly, spontaneous desire (as we see in movies and on TV) usually only happens at the start of a relationship, and if you are waiting for desire to kick in (when you are in an established relationship), it may not. Why? Because in established relationships, women are more likely to experience RESPONSIVE desire. Responsive desire happens when you become aroused by a partner’s touch (even non sexual touch), or their words or actions (nuzzling your neck, for example). So if you wait around for spontaneous desire, you may be waiting for a long time….

Mindfulness-based meditation and a mindfulness practice are evidence-based interventions that have been shown to increase desire. Please read the book by Dr. Lori Brotto (Better Sex Through Mindfulness) – she explains this beautifully, and her suggestions will help! 

You can learn more about this great program, find the answers to past questions, and submit a question of your own by going here!

More about the Awkward Auntie program:

Dr. Anne Katz, also known as the Awkward Auntie, is a certified sexuality counselor and nurse who has written a couple of books about young adults and cancer – and all the things that happen to your body, relationships, and sex during and after treatment.  She will answer any and all questions that you send to AwkwardAuntie@lacunaloft.org or submit in the form below. You don’t have to give your name or other identifying information – but it might be helpful for her to know how you identify yourself by gender, your age, and what kind of cancer and treatment you had.

YOU CAN ASK HER ANYTHING…. Don’t hold back!  Your questions will be answered periodically and posted on our Awkward Auntie page. 

Click here

Ask Perrie: Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

Dear Perrie,

When you have chronic cancer and become sick and tired of being sick and tired, how do you get that spark back? A sense of hope?

Dear Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired,

There is a kind of exhaustion that comes from living in something that never resolves. It’s not just physical. It’s the repetition of it all and the mental labor that comes along with it. Managing chronic cancer is draining, and it makes sense that your spark feels harder to access right now.


Part of finding hope again is allowing your experience to be exactly what it is. There is nothing wrong with feeling worn down, tired, or even depressed in response to what you are living through. I’d actually find it a bit odd if those feelings didn’t show up from time to time. So first things first, I’d encourage you to make space for them. Yes, I am asking you to feel your feelings. Sometimes our emotions are like messengers trying to get our attention. It makes me curious what yours might be pointing to. Often when we give our bodies and minds space in this way, we learn something about what we need, whether that’s boundaries, tiny goals, more rest, or more support.


If “feeling the feelings” is too much, it can also be useful to orient toward what is livable right now. That might look like noticing even a small amount of ease, something that piques your interest, or where your attention lingers a little longer than expected. It might be a conversation that feels grounding, a nurse who smiled at you, a creative practice, or a stretch of time that feels even slightly less heavy. Noticing these moments helps your nervous system remember there are good moments too. You see, when our threat system is in overdrive, your brain often looks for information that confirms our thoughts first. By practicing making space for noticing neutral or positive moments, over time, it can make it easier for your brain to recognize what supports a sense of hope, connection, or even just a little bit of relief.


What I have seen, and what many people living with chronic illness come to over time, is that the spark does come back, but often in a different form. In cancer spaces, people sometimes talk about life before cancer and after, like there is a line in the sand. That shift is real for some. Your identity, your priorities, and your relationship to your body may all look different now. At the same time, you are not only your illness. I’d invite you to get curious about the shifts that have happened. What used to give you a sense of hope, wonder, or enjoyment? What did that look like earlier in your life? And now, as you are today, is there anything from that list you might be open to revisiting? Or is there something new that this version of you might be drawn to?


Something I often recommend, and have practiced myself, is intentionally scheduling joy. When you are living inside something this heavy, joy does not always show up on its own. It sometimes needs to be invited in on purpose. That does not mean forcing happiness. It means making space for moments that remind you that your life is more than appointments and symptoms. This can be small. Making your favorite drink, stepping outside, texting someone who feels easy to talk to.


If you want more support around this, you might check out the book How to Be Sick, which speaks directly to building a life within ongoing illness, or When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron, which discusses how one continues to live even when life feels like it’s falling apart. You might also consider letting your care team know how you have been feeling. You deserve support that meets you where you are at while you navigate this. A social worker, nurse, or doctor you trust can help connect you with additional support (like a well-qualified therapist or support group) so you are not holding this alone. And one last reminder: The spark you are looking for is not gone. It is likely changing shape, asking for different conditions, and moving at a pace that matches what you are carrying.


Sending you soft landings,
Perrie

Ask Perrie is Cactus Cancer Society’s advice column for the questions that young adult cancer doesn’t come with instructions for. Community members submit anonymous questions, and Perrie offers thoughtful guidance, perspective, and practical ideas for navigating life during and after cancer.

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Awkward Auntie Question No. 20

Ever had a question about relationships or sex that you just can’t ask your oncology care provider? Ever felt too shy to ask a nurse or doctor a question, but really needed the answer? Now you can ask those questions and get answers from Dr. Anne Katz, the Awkward Auntie! We’re back for another round of Awkward Auntie. Read on for some more recent Q&As! 

Question: I feel like I’ll never get into a relationship as soon as I tell people I’ve just had my third chemo in my life, and I’m not even 30 yet. What should I do?

Answer: You are truly a survivor! That’s a lot.  Your cancer history is a fact of your life, and not everyone is going to be unfazed by learning about that. But your history has also made you brave and resilient.

The one thing that I am not sure about in your question is whether you are reluctant to meet potential partner(s) or have experienced rejection when you have disclosed. Some survivors disclose right when they start talking to someone online. Others wait a while to see if there is any connection. I think the latter offers an opportunity for someone to get to know you, rather than closing down something before even talking to you more.

The resilience that got you through your cancer treatment can help you get through the challenges of dating, etc. Be brave!

You can learn more about this great program, find the answers to past questions, and submit a question of your own by going here!

More about the Awkward Auntie program:

Dr. Anne Katz, also known as the Awkward Auntie, is a certified sexuality counselor and nurse who has written a couple of books about young adults and cancer – and all the things that happen to your body, relationships, and sex during and after treatment.  She will answer any and all questions that you send to AwkwardAuntie@lacunaloft.org or submit in the form below. You don’t have to give your name or other identifying information – but it might be helpful for her to know how you identify yourself by gender, your age, and what kind of cancer and treatment you had.

YOU CAN ASK HER ANYTHING…. Don’t hold back!  Your questions will be answered periodically and posted on our Awkward Auntie page. 


Click here

Finding Your People Online: Virtual Support Groups That Get It

Here’s the truth: connection doesn’t always happen in person. Sometimes it happens through screens, across time zones, between people who’ve never met but understand each other instantly.

That’s the beauty of virtual support groups. They take the loneliness that so often shadows cancer, especially for young adults, and turn it into something softer, something shared. Whether you’re tuning in from a hospital bed, your couch, or a tiny apartment with a stubborn Wi-Fi signal, you can still find your people.

You don’t have to be in the same room to be in the same story.

Why Virtual Support Matters

Young adult cancer life is full of contradictions: you might look fine but feel awful, crave community but feel too tired to socialize, want to talk about cancer but not only talk about cancer. That’s where online groups shine.

Virtual spaces create accessibility: physically, emotionally, and financially. No commute. No awkward waiting rooms. No pressure to “look okay.” You can show up in your pajamas, with your camera off, or just listen until you’re ready to speak.

And the benefits are real. Research shows that online peer and support groups for cancer survivors improve mood, reduce isolation, and increase overall quality of life (Uchino, 2006; Spiegel & Classen, 2000).

What Virtual Support Can Offer

  • Anonymity and flexibility. Show up however you need to. You can speak, type, or simply listen.

  • Shared language. No explaining chemo brain or scanxiety. Everyone just gets it.

  • Diverse community. Connect with people across diagnoses, geographies, and lived experiences.

  • Accessibility. Whether you’re immunocompromised, fatigued, or far from a major cancer center, you still have access to care and connection.

You don’t need to have the perfect words or energy to join. You just need curiosity and maybe a little courage.

Virtual Support Groups

The following organizations offer online spaces where you can find understanding, humor, and friendship no matter what stage you’re in.

Breastcancer.org Virtual Meetups — breastcancer.org

Weekly Zoom groups organized by diagnosis and stage, including metastatic and young-adult-specific meetups.

Bright Spot Network — brightspotnetwork.org

Designed for young adult survivors who are parenting small children. Programs include support groups, workshops, and community events.

Cancer Dudes — cancerdudes.org

A space for men moving forward after cancer, focusing on purpose, growth, and peer connection.

CancerCare Online Support Groups — cancercare.org

Free, 15-week virtual groups led by oncology social workers. Each group focuses on specific diagnoses, caregiver needs, or survivorship stages.

Cancer Survivors Network (American Cancer Society) — cancer.org

An active online discussion board connecting survivors and caregivers nationwide.

Gilda’s Club (Cancer Support Community Affiliate) — cancersupportcommunity.org

Offers free virtual support groups and YA-specific programs led by trained facilitators.

I Had Cancer — ihadcancer.com

A social network connecting fighters, survivors, and caregivers through profiles, blogs, and forums organized by diagnosis and life stage.

Living Beyond Breast Cancer (LBBC) Online Support Groups — lbbc.org

Peer-led Facebook and online groups for breast cancer patients, including young adult and metastatic-specific communities.

Pickles Group — picklesgroup.org

Virtual support for children and teens (ages 6–18) whose parent or guardian has cancer — because kids need community too.

SHARE Cancer Support — sharecancersupport.org

Peer-led nonprofit offering virtual support groups and navigation for breast and gynecologic cancers.

TNBC Foundation Online Support Groups — tnbcfoundation.org

Virtual programs and groups dedicated to those living with triple-negative breast cancer.

Ulman Foundation — ulmanfoundation.org

Virtual and in-person programs for young adults, including navigation, fitness, and community gatherings.

Young Adult Survivors United (YASU) — yasurvivors.org

Ongoing wellness and virtual support groups for young adult survivors and co-survivors, with fun and flexible formats.

How to Choose a Virtual Space That Fits You

Not every group will feel like home and that’s okay. The right one will. Here’s how to find it:

  1. Try a few formats. Some people love structured discussion groups, others prefer casual drop-ins.

  2. Notice how you feel afterward. Do you feel lighter, seen, or calmer? That’s a good sign.

  3. Look for moderated or professionally facilitated spaces. These ensure emotional safety and clear boundaries.

  4. Check accessibility. Some offer captioning, flexible schedules, or asynchronous options for low-energy days.

You can also reach out to your oncology social worker or Cactus Cancer’s team for suggestions. We love connecting folks with spaces where they’ll thrive.

You’re Already Connected

Virtual support groups remind us that healing doesn’t happen in isolation, it happens in community, even if that community is built on screens and shared playlists.

If you’re ready to find your people, explore our Virtual Support Group Directory on the Cactus Cancer Society website. From young adult drop-ins to diagnosis-specific meetups, there’s a place waiting for you.

Because no matter where you are, your couch, your clinic, your car connection is still possible. And it just might change everything. 💛



Chronic Cancer in May: Living in the Moment

It’s May! How is it the fifth month of the year already?! Time flies quickly when things are going on!

 

In terms of what has been going on, the Cactus Cancer Society Young Adult Cancer Advocate of the Year award competition ended on April 18th! I ended up being this year’s winner thanks to my generous donors, some people I have known for years, and others I met when they sent in their money! My campaign ended up raising $12,166 out of the over $33,000 that all the nominees raised combined. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention my amazing fellow nominees, who had all kinds of creative campaigns that raised a lot of money. This year, the top four nominees raised over $30,000! I think I speak on behalf of all of the nominees when I say: Thank you, everyone, for your support – monetary or otherwise. We could not have raised this money without you.

 

Summer is coming soon – what are you going to do this summer? I am going to try to go to the 5th Annual Young Adult Cancer Camp that takes place from September 3-6 at a YMCA camp 45 minutes outside of Pittsburgh. YA Cancer Camp is organized by YASU and Elephants & Tea. Registration opens May 5th, and it fills quickly – there’s only 100 spots! Last year, all the spots were filled in a little over two weeks, so register ASAP if you are interested!

 

May is a month full of memories for me – a lot of cancer-related ones. May 6th was my first visit to my first managing oncologist – we talked for a while, he did a bunch of tests, and then he did a surprise bone marrow biopsy (it should be illegal for those words to be within five miles of each other, in case you were wondering). Yes, a surprise bone marrow biopsy! We had finished talking, discussing my most likely diagnosis, and then he said he wanted to do a bone marrow biopsy. So, I ask the reasonable question of “Okay, so should I schedule that up front?”

“Nah, just go down the street, get some lunch, I heard the burger place is good, then come back and we’ll do it.”

 

I, being just a bit of an anxious person, start to freak out. I asked him for anything to help – some Ativan to calm me down, maybe a pain med to help with the pain of having my hip drilled into, and he declined, saying that his bone marrow biopsies “never” hurt.

 

He was wrong.

 

Then we had to take the train home. I strongly advise against taking a train 70 minutes home after a bone marrow biopsy. However, it is a good life hack if you don’t want to pay for a ticket! They didn’t ask me for a ticket when I was sweating like a pig and cursing like a sailor at every bump the train took!

 

May 18th was a very long day. We went back to that oncologist for the results of my bone marrow biopsy. Now going in, we knew that I had cancer – either Chronic T-Cell LGL Leukemia or Chronic NK Cell LGL Leukemia (my blood work showed one, and my first bone marrow biopsy the other). This time, we drove in and took lunch with us – that ended up being a very good thing, since we had a four-hour wait in the waiting room. 3 PM comes, and my name is called; we go back into an exam room. “Maybe the doctor will come now,” we think. Nah, that’d be too easy. The clock strikes 4, and the doctor walks in. What are the first words out of his mouth? “How are you feeling?” Nope! “How did you feel after the bone marrow biopsy?” Naaah.

“So, it’s rarer than we thought!”

 

Yes, those were literally the first words out of his mouth after he stepped into the room and closed the door. He told my parents and I that I didn’t have one, but I had both subtypes! I laughed, because of course me and my medically odd self get both types of a super rare cancer.

 

We started talking when he noticed my mom was taking notes. He says she doesn’t need to do that and says to the nurse with him, “Nurse, go get my markers. They’re at the nurse’s station.” He proceeded to grab my mom’s notebook and draw diagrams explaining how my cancer works and possible treatments.

 

We talked about treatment, and I asked him, “Okay, so it’s once a week, and it’s just like my epilepsy, I take pills to keep it under control?” and he told me, “Yeah. Exactly.”

 

It isn’t. Chronic cancer isn’t like that. I’ve told you guys about how my treatment has been in the past and how I am currently on my fourth line of treatment. I have a chronic cancer; there is no true end of treatment for me; if I get a break from medication, it’s just an invisible clock counting down to when I have to start up treatment again. Luckily…this trial drug is working, and I have been on it since August 2021. Every 12 hours, $1000 goes down the hatch. Thankfully, the medication is free, courtesy of the drug company running the clinical trial.

 

I live my life visit to visit, blood draw to blood draw – on the times I don’t see an oncologist, I sit by my phone waiting for the trial nurse to call and tell me what my counts are. Is my hemoglobin stable? Are my neutrophils still good? If they’re all good, we close the call with when I will talk to them next. For my local oncologist, that’s 8 weeks. For the trial team, that’s every 28 days. So I live my life in 28-day chunks.

 

However, those of us with chronic cancer need to try to pepper things in between those visits. We need to fill our time with things that aren’t the “I wonder how my next visit is going to be?” and “the nurse hasn’t called yet with my results, and the call was scheduled for 30 minutes ago, what’s wrong with my blood????” thoughts. Come up with things you want to do! The summer’s approaching! The time of hot weather, air conditioning, and cool drinks!


Make a list – what are your long-term and short-term goals, things you want to do? It could be as simple as “visit as a friend” or as complex as “travel” (Cancer Camp? A First Descents trip? Something else?) – the sky’s the limit! Think of one for each and go from there – you don’t need to come up with anything huge, you might just want to hang out on Zoom with your friends and do some crafts as a long-term goal, or maybe you want to read that book that has been on your To Be Read list for a year now? Find something to do this summer, big or small – once you cross it off your list, you’ll let the dopamine flow and get that nice, happy feeling.

Let’s Talk About It: What It’s Like to Be a Guy with Cancer

There’s a version of the cancer story we hear all the time. And then there’s the version a lot of guys are actually living.

For a lot of young adult guys with cancer, things can look pretty steady on the outside and feel anything but on the inside. There can be pressure to keep it together. To not make things harder for other people. To push through, even when everything feels heavy, off, or just not right. Then there are societal norms that might make it harder for guys to access support. 

Research backs this up. Studies have found that men living with and beyond cancer can experience unmet supportive care needs, including psychological support, sexual health concerns, and navigating the health system (Chambers et al., 2015; Hoyt et al., 2013). Other research shows that young adults with cancer overall report unmet needs around counseling, information, fertility, and practical support, which is exactly why we don’t want to guess at what guys need. We want to ask directly (Keegan et al., 2012).

We Want To Hear From You

Ask A Cactus: Guy’s Edition is an anonymous survey created in partnership with I’m Not Done Yet Foundation to better understand what it’s actually like to be a young adult guy going through cancer.

We’re asking things like:
What actually helps when someone checks in
What makes it harder to talk about what’s going on
What people say that sounds supportive but actually isn’t
What people get wrong about your experience
What support should look like, but doesn’t yet

It takes about 10 minutes. You can skip any question you don’t feel comfortable answering. 

Why this matters

At Cactus Cancer Society, we build programs based on what young adults actually say they need.

And right now, we know there’s a gap. Guys often show up less in support spaces, and they’re more likely to feel unseen in conversations about cancer. A lot of what they’re carrying doesn’t get talked about in ways that feel natural or accessible. We don’t want to guess as to why that is. We want to get it right. Your answers help shape future programs, conversations, and spaces that actually feel relevant and worth showing up to.

A little extra incentive

After you complete the survey, you’ll get a unique code.

Email that code, along with your name and mailing address, to programs@cactuscancer.org, and you’ll be entered into a raffle for a free LEGO set as our thank-you for sharing your thoughts and insights on what it’s like to be a guy with cancer. 

👉 Got 10 minutes? Tell us what actually helps and what doesn’t.

References

Chambers, S. K., Hyde, M. K., Laurie, K., Legg, M., Frydenberg, M., Davis, I. D., Lowe, A., & Dunn, J. (2015). Experiences of Australian men diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer: A qualitative study of unmet supportive care needs. Psycho-Oncology, 24(12), 1632–1638.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25613370/

Hoyt, M. A., Stanton, A. L., Irwin, M. R., & Thomas, K. S. (2013). Cancer-related masculine threat, emotional approach coping, and physical functioning following treatment for prostate cancer. Health Psychology, 32(1), 66–74.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26202128/

Keegan, T. H. M., Lichtensztajn, D. Y., Kato, I., Kent, E. E., Wu, X.-C., West, M. M., Hamilton, A. S., Zebrack, B., Bellizzi, K. M., Smith, A. W., & AYA HOPE Study Collaborative Group. (2012). Unmet adolescent and young adult cancer survivors’ information and service needs: A population-based cancer registry study. Journal of Cancer Survivorship, 6(3), 239–250. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22457219/

Because They Get It: Peer Connection & Mentorship in Cancer Life

There’s a special kind of relief that comes from talking to someone who just gets it. No explaining, no softening, no apologizing for the hard stuff, just instant understanding.

That’s what peer connection is all about. When you’ve gone through cancer, even your most loving friends might not fully understand what it’s like to live in this new reality. The fatigue, the fear, the weird sense of being both “lucky” and “lost.” But another survivor? They know.

Peer support doesn’t erase the hard parts, but it makes them lighter to carry. It turns isolation into connection and sometimes, connection into healing.

For me, connecting to peers with blood cancer made all the difference in my mental health. It started online and eventually I gained a group of friends I’ve met IRL and keep in touch with each week. 

Why Peer Support Matters

The science backs up what you may already know: connection is medicine. Studies show that cancer survivors who engage in peer or group support report lower distress, higher quality of life, and greater sense of meaning (Spiegel & Classen, 2000; Uchino, 2006).

For young adults, that connection is even more critical. You’re navigating identity, relationships, and the future all while processing an experience that most people your age can’t relate to. Peer mentorship creates a bridge between “I’m the only one” and “I’m not alone.”

And peer doesn’t just mean patient. Caregivers, co-survivors, and loved ones benefit, too. When you can talk to someone who’s been there whether that’s about scanxiety, intimacy, returning to work, or just existing in a changed body, something inside you exhales.

Peer Mentorship & Connection Programs

These are some compassionate peer connection programs for young adults and their loved ones:

Blood Cancer United: Peer Program — bloodcancerunited.com

Connects young adults with blood cancer to trained peer mentors who understand the journey firsthand.

Brain Tumor Patient & Caregiver Mentor Support (ABTA) — abta.org

Matches patients, survivors, and caregivers navigating brain tumors with trained mentors through the American Brain Tumor Association.

Cancer Hope Network — cancerhopenetwork.org

Free and confidential 1:1 peer support for anyone impacted by cancer. Mentors are trained survivors and caregivers who’ve been through it.

CancerCare: Peer Matching — cancercare.org

Professional-led programs that offer both group support and peer matching for patients and caregivers.

Colorectal Cancer Alliance: Buddy Program — ccalliance.org

Pairs newly diagnosed patients or caregivers with trained “buddy” mentors who share lived experience.

Connecting Champions — connectingchampions.org

A unique program that connects young adults with mentors in their career field during or after treatment — helping them rebuild purpose and future goals.

FORCE: Peer Navigation Program — facingourrisk.org

Peer navigation for individuals with hereditary cancers, including breast, ovarian, pancreatic, and prostate.

Imerman Angels — imermanangels.org

Global 1:1 peer support for patients, survivors, and caregivers. Matches are made by diagnosis, age, and experience for the best fit.

LUNGevity LifeLine — lungevity.org

Matches people living with lung cancer to volunteer mentors who’ve faced similar challenges.

NETCONNECT (Neuroendocrine Cancer Foundation) — ncf.net

Connects newly diagnosed neuroendocrine tumor patients with mentors who share lived experience.

SoulMates Program (Dana-Farber Young & Strong) — dana-farber.org

Peer mentor program for young adults with breast cancer, pairing them with survivors who offer guidance and encouragement.

Young Survival Coalition (YSC) — youngsurvival.org

Offers peer connections, local meetups, and online communities for young adults affected by breast cancer.

ZERO Prostate Cancer: Us TOO Support — zerocancer.org

Peer mentors and support groups for those impacted by prostate cancer.

How to Get the Most Out of Peer Support

You don’t have to show up with the right words — just honesty. Here are a few ways to make peer connection meaningful:

  1. Be yourself. You don’t have to be “inspirational” or have it all together. You can vent, cry, or laugh.

  2. Take what fits, leave what doesn’t. Not every mentor will be your person — and that’s okay. It’s about connection, not perfection.

  3. Stay open. You might join for support and end up becoming the support for someone else.

  4. Mix peer and professional care. You can have a therapist and a peer mentor. They serve different but equally vital roles.

You Don’t Have to Go Through This Alone

Peer support is proof that healing doesn’t happen in isolation, it happens in community. Every story shared, every “me too,” every text exchanged at midnight builds a little more light into the dark corners of survivorship.

If you’re ready to find someone who’s walked a similar path, explore our Peer Connection & Mentorship Directory to find programs that match your diagnosis, age, and needs.

Because sometimes the best medicine is another human saying, “I’ve been there and you’re going to be okay.” 💛



Ask Perrie: Dating After Everything

Dear Perrie,

I’m wondering about dating after cancer treatment. I just worry that everyone will pity me and not take me seriously as a potential partner. Also, how to navigate the potential of needing care later on? How do you deal with that?

Dear Dating After Everything,

This is a tender and vulnerable question, and it makes so much sense that dating after cancer would feel complicated. Cancer can change how you see yourself, and it can make you wonder how others will see you, too. Wondering whether your potential partner will pity you or take you seriously makes sense to me; it’s a common concern I’ve heard from other YAs navigating dating. This can show up in other relationships too, not just romantic ones! I want to gently redirect you to an important follow-up question: What would it mean about the person and/or the relationship if that did happen? 

I ask this question because often when we are someone who is navigating the world of oncology, disability, chronic pain, infertility, and more, we begin to look at ourselves as the common denominator and therefore the problem. Having needs that may differ from someone your age, or who you were before cancer, does not make you the problem. Instead, I want to offer that the right person for you will stay curious about your experiences and won’t feel burdened by your medical history.  Your cancer experience is part of you, but it is not all of you. The right person will be able to see that. Sure, “normies” may need a little guidance at first (they haven’t had this experience before, after all), but I want to encourage you to notice if someone isn’t taking you seriously or giving you pity even after a conversation, then that is data about that person or the relationship.

Dating asks you to be seen, and that can feel vulnerable in a different way after going through something as significant as cancer. I also want to remind you that you get to decide how and when you share your story. Some people feel more comfortable being open early on, and others wait until there is more trust. There isn’t a right or wrong way to disclose your medical history. What matters is that it feels aligned with your comfort and your sense of safety! You get to decide if and when the person you are dating is safe enough (emotionally) to share this tender part of yourself with. 

The question about future care is a big one. Cancer can make the possibility of needing care feel more immediate and more real. At the same time, needing care at some point is part of being human and a normal part of being in a long-term relationship. There is a saying in disability spaces that disability is the only identity any of us can enter at any time. What you are naming is something many people carry, even if they are not always saying it out loud

A small reframe for you: You do not have to solve that question at the beginning of dating or a relationship. In fact, you may not want to solve it that early. 

Early on, it is enough to focus on whether this person is kind, whether they listen, whether they show up consistently, and how you feel in their presence. As a relationship grows, conversations about support, capacity, and care tend to happen more naturally. When those conversations come up, you can approach them with openness. You might share that your cancer experience has shaped how you think about support and that being able to talk about those things matters to you.

It may also help assuage any anxiety around long-term care by starting to have these conversations with yourself. For example, if and when you do need long-term care, what would be your priorities? Your major concerns? Are there any steps you could take now to have a plan in place? Things like a power of attorney, a will, or making some financial decisions could help you to feel empowered in navigating these concerns long before a long-term partner enters the picture. 

There is also something really important I am hearing underneath all of this. You are wondering if you will be seen as a full partner, someone who is desired, chosen, and taken seriously. 

Please hear me, you are worthy of all of that. Your worth in a relationship is not defined by your medical history. The right people will recognize that and see you for the full expansive human you are. If you find that you struggle with this idea, it may be time to join YA group spaces or seek out a qualified mental health therapist. Memorial Sloan Kettering has a podcast with several episodes on dating inside cancer, or you might even check out Elephants and Tea and see what other YA’s are writing about on this topic. You might also find some of these options supportive in the journey around cancer, dating, and self-love: 

Rooting for a love (and self-love) that accepts you fully,
Perrie 

Ask Perrie is Cactus Cancer Society’s advice column for the questions that young adult cancer doesn’t come with instructions for. Community members submit anonymous questions, and Perrie offers thoughtful guidance, perspective, and practical ideas for navigating life during and after cancer.

Submit your own question

A Birthday Worth Sharing

We turned 11… and honestly, we’re feeling a little sentimental about it. What started as a small seed in the desert has grown into something real, something steady, something that keeps showing up for young adults facing cancer in all the ways that matter. That only happened because of this community. Because of people like you.

So this year, instead of doing the whole “bring a gift” thing, we wanted to flip it. To make something that feels like us. Something you can step into, experience, and maybe even carry with you after it’s over.

You’re Invited: A Day of Creativity for a Cause!

Our birthday celebration is a joyous opportunity for community, connection, and creativity. It’s a day of creativity for a cause, where you’ll be guided by Cactus Cancer Society staff through art workshops and join us for the culmination of the Young Adult Advocate of the Year (YAAY).

Get Your Tickets Here 🎟️

Our birthday party is a 5-hour virtual creative hang happening Saturday, April 18, 2026, 9:00 am–2:00 pm PT / 11:00 am–4:00 pm CT / 12:00 pm–5:00 pm ET. Pop in for one session. Stay for a few. Come and go as you need. Throughout the day, you’ll find low-pressure art tutorials that are approachable, fun, and rooted in helping you be courageously creative. 

Or… treat yourself on the auction tab!

If your love language is more “add to cart,” this is your moment. This year, we are offering a virtual auction all week long! The auction has meaningful one-of-a-kind art pieces created in our very own Neurographic Art Workshop this past March. Each piece is made with intention by a young adult cancer survivor and is available for bidding!

There is also a whole section of Fantastic Finds that you can grab instantly without bidding back and forth. There are items like Round-Trip For Two, where you’ll receive airfare for your very own summer vacation, or an Art Supply Mystery Bag, which is perfect if you want to surprise yourself creatively! There are items like the Embroidered Cactus Cancer Society Hat and the Embroidered Patch that are cute, meaningful, and very wearable! And of course, we are offering the Rooted In Resilience Anthology, on sale for $30, filled with real stories from this community and absolutely worth spending time with!

Snag yourself a lil’ something here

Want to go a step further? Help fund what happens behind the scenes 🌵

Check out the Fund Our Mission section, where you can directly support the programs that make all of this possible, which is honestly the heart of everything we do. You can sponsor an Art Workshop Supply Box for $50 or a Builders Workshop Supply Box for $50, both of which help us get materials into the hands of young adults who want to create but might not otherwise have access. You can also support the Creative Arts Book Club for $20 to help keep that space for connection and reflection.

Thank You For Being Here

However you choose to join us in celebration, we want you to know that these are the kinds of actions that make it possible for a young adult cancer survivor to log on, try something new, and feel even a little less alone. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being a part of this community. Thank you for showing up for the young adults who need this space. We can’t wait to celebrate with you!

When Cancer Isn’t the Only Battle: Disability, Chronic Illness, & Mental Health

Cancer rarely shows up alone.
For many young adults, it lands in a body that was already managing autoimmune disease, chronic pain, fatigue syndromes, disability, mental health conditions, or invisible illness long before the words “you have cancer” ever entered the chat.

So when cancer enters the picture, life does not politely pause.
You are still juggling appointments, medications, flares, side effects, work expectations, relationships, and whatever scraps of energy you have left. People may call you “strong,” but what you might actually feel is tired, frustrated, overstimulated, and wildly unseen.

And if you have ever thought, Why does this feel harder for me than it seems for everyone else? you are not imagining it.

The overlap between cancer, disability, chronic illness, and mental health creates real, measurable stressors that most people, and honestly many providers, do not talk about enough.

The Mental Health Toll of the Both and

Living with both cancer and chronic illness means your body is constantly negotiating with itself. Fatigue, pain, brain fog, and treatment side effects blur together until it is hard to tell where one condition ends and another begins.

From a clinical perspective, this overlap often leads to:

  • Medical burnout, or emotional exhaustion from years of appointments, self-advocacy, and system navigation

  • Hypervigilance, where you are constantly monitoring symptoms, flares, or changes

  • Identity grief, or mourning past versions of yourself while trying to survive the present

  • Chronic stress activation, where the nervous system stays stuck in fight or flight, worsening pain, fatigue, sleep issues, GI symptoms, and mood

You might notice feeling detached or numb, angry at your body, ashamed for needing help, guilty for resting, anxious before appointments, or quietly sad without knowing exactly why.

Many people minimize their pain because they are afraid of being labeled difficult, dramatic, or non-compliant. Those labels cause real harm, especially for young adults, women, people of color, LGBTQIA+ folks, and people with invisible disabilities who are already less likely to be believed in medical settings.

Here is the truth. Your symptoms do not need to be extreme to be real.
You deserve care that sees the full picture, not just diagnoses in isolation.

When the System Is Not Built for Complex Bodies

Healthcare systems are not designed for overlap. Full stop.

You might have specialists who do not communicate with each other, treatment plans that contradict one another, insurance that covers one diagnosis but ignores the rest, intake forms with no space for nuance, or providers who treat mental health as optional.

Clinically, experiences like ableism, medical gaslighting, and accessibility barriers are strongly associated with increased anxiety, depression, trauma responses, and healthcare avoidance. Research from DREDF highlights how these systemic failures directly contribute to mental distress for disabled and chronically ill people.

If you feel more anxious, shut down, or emotionally exhausted after medical interactions, that is not a personal failure. That is your nervous system responding to repeated invalidation.

And there is hope. Support exists when it comes from communities, therapists, and organizations that understand what it means to live in a body that does not follow the rules.

Finding Support That Actually Gets It

Healing does not mean fixing what is “wrong.”
It means creating safety, relief, and meaning within the reality of your body.

Disability-affirming and chronic illness-informed mental health care often focuses on:

  • Body neutrality and acceptance
    Separating your worth from productivity, wellness, or symptom control.

  • Energy pacing and boundaries
    Planning life around realistic energy limits to reduce flares and burnout.

  • Medical trauma recovery
    Processing fear, anger, grief, and exhaustion from years of care systems that missed the mark.

  • Self-advocacy
    Building confidence and language to communicate your needs clearly with providers.

The right therapist will honor your lived experience, not try to cure it.

Resources for Chronic Illness & Disability Mental Health

These organizations offer validation, education, and community for people balancing illness, disability, and mental health:

Center for Chronic Illness
https://thecenterforchronicillness.org
Provides virtual support groups, education, and resources for people managing chronic illness. Many programs are free and facilitated by professionals who understand both the mental and physical toll of long-term health conditions.

Chronic Illness Hotline
Call or text 512-288-8488
Peer-to-peer support run by people with lived experience of illness and disability. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone who truly gets it.

Disability Rights Education and Defense Fund (DREDF)
https://dredf.org
A national leader in disability rights advocacy offering education, policy work, and resources to help people understand their rights and access equitable healthcare.

Pain Connection (U.S. Pain Foundation)
https://uspainfoundation.org/pain-connection
A national network of peer-led support groups for individuals living with chronic pain and their caregivers, along with education and advocacy resources.

Practical Ways to Support Your Mental Health Right Now

You do not need a perfect plan. You just need permission to start.

  • Honor your pacing
    Rest is not laziness. It is symptom management.

  • Use adaptive tools
    Mobility aids, accessibility devices, and energy-saving hacks are forms of self-respect, not surrender.

  • Create emotional accessibility
    Let your people know what kind of support you need, whether that is quiet presence, distraction, or help with logistics.

  • Connect with peers
    Disability-affirming communities can reduce isolation in ways even excellent medical care cannot.

  • Seek professionals who get it
    Use directories like Inclusive Therapists or TherapyDen to find providers experienced in chronic illness and disability-informed therapy.

You Deserve a Life That Fits You

Living with cancer and chronic illness or disability does not make you broken. It makes you complex, adaptive, and worthy of care that honors that complexity.

You do not have to prove your pain.
You do not have to perform gratitude.
You do not have to make others comfortable at your own expense.

Healing is allowed to look unconventional.
Rest is allowed to be productive.
Joy is allowed to exist alongside pain.

If you are ready to explore resources that support your whole self, body, mind, and everything in between, visit our Disability, Chronic Illness, & Mental Health Resource Directory for peer support groups, advocacy networks, and organizations that speak your language.

Because your story does not end with a diagnosis.
It expands from it. 💛