First, I want to say how sorry I am that you and your family are going through this. There is so much uncertainty in what you shared, and on top of that, you are caring for 14-month-old twins. It makes complete sense to me that you are feeling overwhelmed, and I’m glad you reached out for more support here with us.

I want to start with the waiting portion of what you’ve shared, because waiting for answers when cancer is a possibility can be excruciating. There are still questions about what is happening with your boyfriend’s health that his medical team will need to answer, and I know that having to wait another two weeks for the colonoscopy probably feels impossibly long right now. When we don’t have all the information, our brains often try to fill in the missing pieces. Unfortunately, anxious brains are rarely known for filling those spaces with comforting possibilities! 

Sometimes when we are scared, every possibility can feel like too much. Many end up on the wrong side of Dr. Google, stuck ruminating on “what ifs,” or feel frozen by the emotions. It can help to slow things down when you are feeling this way, and do your best to help your brain focus on what’s right in front of you right now. You don’t have all the information yet, which means your brain may be trying to solve problems you don’t have enough information to answer, like treatments or what the next steps will look like. When you notice yourself getting pulled far into the future, it may help to ask yourself, “What do I actually know to be true right now, and what do I need in this moment?” I can’t promise that it will remove the fear entirely, but often this simple act of slowing down and becoming more present-focused can turn down the temperature. 

I’m also really struck by the fact that he hasn’t told anyone this news. I absolutely understand and respect that this is his health information and that he gets to decide who knows about it. At the same time, you are living through this experience too, and it sounds like holding everything by yourself is becoming a lot.

I wonder if it might be worth having a conversation with him about how you can respect his privacy while still getting some support for yourself. Maybe there is one trusted person you both feel comfortable bringing into the circle, or perhaps your support comes from someone outside of your immediate life, such as a therapist or caregiver support group.

Being the romantic partner of a young adult navigating cancer can put you in a really unique position. You are still his partner, but you may also find yourself taking on pieces of caregiving, parenting, appointments, advocacy, logistics, and emotional support, all while having your own fears about someone you deeply love. It can be really easy for your needs to move further and further down the list when the person you love is sick.

I know the whole “put your own oxygen mask on first” saying can feel a little cliché, but it’s stuck around for a reason. Caring for yourself is vital to continuing to show up for the people you love. That doesn’t mean you need an elaborate self-care routine right now. It may simply mean making sure you have people you can lean on, accepting help with the twins if available, getting enough food and rest when you can, or having a place where you don’t have to be the strong one. You are allowed to need care while caring deeply for him.

I’d also encourage you to look into the Colorectal Cancer Alliance. They offer support and navigation for patients, caregivers, and family members, which may be especially helpful as you figure out what resources are available to your family. CancerCare also provides free counseling, support groups, education, and other resources for people affected by cancer, including caregivers and loved ones.

Most importantly, I want you to know that needing support does not take anything away from what your boyfriend is experiencing. You love someone who is going through something frightening, you are parenting two very young children together, and you have been trying to carry an enormous amount of uncertainty largely on your own. It makes sense that you have reached a point where you need some care and support too.

Sending you and your family so much care,

Perrie

First, I want to say how sorry I am that your family is facing this. Receiving a metastatic diagnosis five years after a previous cancer diagnosis is devastating for patients and the people who love them, especially when it comes completely unexpectedly. It makes complete sense to me that your brain is searching for a “why.”

When something traumatic or unexpected happens, our brains often search for reasons, answers, and patterns in an attempt to understand what happened and keep ourselves and the people we love safe. Sometimes anger can become part of that search too, especially when something feels unfair, preventable, or impossible to make sense of.

I name that because you mentioned these thoughts are all-consuming. I want to make some space for why your brain may be returning to these questions over and over without dismissing the concerns underneath them. It may be helpful to get curious about what feelings or fears are sitting below some of these thoughts. Are you afraid someone failed your mom? Are you angry that this happened after your family thought cancer was behind you? Are you trying to understand whether anything could have changed what is happening now? Those questions may help you better understand what you need as you continue to support your mom.

As far as the medical questions, I absolutely encourage you and your mom to bring these concerns directly to her care team. You deserve space to ask, “What happened?” and “What do we know now that we didn’t know before?” Her providers are going to be the people best positioned to explain her individual history, what they were monitoring, what they saw over time, and what they understand about her cancer now.

It may help to write your questions down before the appointment so everything doesn’t disappear the moment you walk into the room. You could ask what her follow-up plan had been after her original breast cancer treatment, whether there were any earlier findings that look different in hindsight, when they believe the current cancer may have developed, and whether there is anything about her previous records that they want to review again.

If your mom wants you involved in those conversations, she can also ask her medical team what they need from her so they are able to speak openly with you about her care. Sometimes having another person in the room to take notes, remember questions, or simply listen can be really helpful when everyone is overwhelmed.

If, after talking with her providers and reviewing her records, your family still has serious concerns about her care, you can seek a second opinion or ask another qualified specialist to review her case. It may also help to bring a trusted advocate or family member to appointments, take notes, and write down questions in advance.

In the meantime, I really want to encourage you to give some attention to yourself, too. You were just thrown into a completely different chapter of your mom’s cancer experience without warning. Fear, anger, grief, and uncertainty can take up an enormous amount of mental space, and you deserve support as you carry all of this. That might look like joining a caregiver or co-survivor support group, seeking individual therapy, or connecting with a breast cancer or caregiver community. You do not have to navigate this alone, and you are worthy of care and support, too.

Living Beyond Breast Cancer offers resources for people living with metastatic breast cancer, as well as for their family members and loved ones. They also provide support and opportunities to connect with others who understand the emotional challenges of breast cancer. Elephants and Tea offers writing workshops for caregivers, along with magazines and articles focused specifically on the caregiving experience.

You don’t have to stop asking questions or searching for answers. I just hope you can give yourself permission to recognize that you may be searching for two different things right now: information about what happened and a way to make sense of something that feels profoundly unfair. The first may come through conversations with her medical team. The second may take more time, support, and care.

Sending you and your mom so much care as you navigate what comes next,

Perrie