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With Love – Entry Twelve

anxiety after young adult cancer

I have come to the realization that I’m completely alone. Not so much physically but emotionally. Does that make sense? I felt like this often growing up. Outnumbered, comes to mind. My parents had each other, as did my brothers, I always felt out of place. Odd man out.

Today, my husband tried to set me up on a play date. It sounds extremely inappropriate except it’s not, it’s pathetic. Lately, I’ve been depressed. He can see it, I can feel it and we’re both pretty tired of it.

I’m at a point in my life where I am healthy and thriving, medically speaking. Especially considering the last few months. So, why don’t I feel relief? I should be thrilled but I’m not.

I became emotional a few days ago, I cried and pouted and told my husband how crazy I felt but that maybe all I needed was a break. Almost instantly I thought, “How selfish of you Jeanette. The kids are your life, you love and cherish them. You shouldn’t need a break!” Still there I was at the kitchen table, distraught and confused at my own emotions. Staring, with eyes burning at my husband, who was busy making plans to fish. Myself, jealous at his unwavering dedication to the sport (if you can call it that).

“This is what we’ll do” he says, “I’ll call my friend and see what his wife is doing this weekend. You and her can hang out while him and I take the kids fishing.”

How do I tell him no? As much as I like her and I want a friend, how do I explain that I’m not ready? See, in my mind, all I can imagine happening… Is what happens with almost every other person I encounter. They ask how I’m doing? They ask what’s next? Am I in remission? They tell me how hard it must have been, how brave I am and they try extremely hard to sympathize.

Meanwhile, I just want to talk about Grays Anatomy and McDreamy! I want to talk about celebrities and their failed marriages. I’d love to have a glass of wine and talk parenting mishaps, like when I accidentally gave my kids the wrong lunch bags. I’d love to be invited over to talk marriage hardships and gossip, like normal women. I WANT to leave Cancer out of it!

My ideal “friend date” is a movie night in with candy, cheesecake and popcorn, because who says you can’t pair them. Giggles and laughter that bring tears to my eyes. Good food and great company. My family and theirs. I don’t do well in social situations, I’m extremely awkward. I can’t do it alone. He can’t just drop me somewhere and go. Not right now.

It would help, if I’d been invited at all and my husband hadn’t set me up. I’m the type of person who strongly dislikes invading ones space. While I want friends, I don’t want someone to be a friend because they feel sorry for me. Would it be horrible if right now I just said “I honestly don’t want friends, I’m simply not ready”?

I just want some time to pick up the pieces of my broken puzzle and put it back together. Patiently. I don’t want to feel pressure or stress. Most days, I don’t even want to leave the house. Maybe I just want to wallow.

Just give me a moment.

This piece was originally published here.