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Harsh Realities

Last spring my husband and I went on a week long trip to Paris for a conference he was presenting some research at.  I have never felt so relaxed and energized in my life.  I returned home with a fabulous feeling of renewal.  This year though, coming back from vacation has been difficult.  Many many many changes have happened in my life in the past year and many have brought anxiety and fear and even a little anger…though some of those changes have brought about Lacuna Loft and I can’t complain too much about that.

Cancer and illness result in changes.  They alter our family structure and boundaries.  Plus, spending so much time with so many people in close proximity is tiring for my introverted tendencies.  My post-cancer self has new needs and expectations…some of which I am still learning to navigate…and doing so in front of others still brings about occasionally strong feelings of unease.  I internally peg myself as high-maintenance and needy and since I say none of this out loud, the name calling can go on unfettered for a while.  I grieve for my mom who is no longer physically here and for my old self who I, at times, worship and wish would return.  These feelings are real and they are painful.  Yet in the moment, I find myself completely incapable of explaining to the lovely family with whom I am traveling why I am sometimes detached and uninterested, enveloped in my grief for 2 individuals, 3 years gone.

How do we learn to accept that some people are not coming back?  How do we combat the harsh realities of tragedy and upset?

I have heard so many people talking about returning from cancer or illness with this new found, live in the moment type of mindset.