Chronic Cancer in May: Living in the Moment

It’s May! How is it the fifth month of the year already?! Time flies quickly when things are going on!

 

In terms of what has been going on, the Cactus Cancer Society Young Adult Cancer Advocate of the Year award competition ended on April 18th! I ended up being this year’s winner thanks to my generous donors, some people I have known for years, and others I met when they sent in their money! My campaign ended up raising $12,166 out of the over $33,000 that all the nominees raised combined. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention my amazing fellow nominees, who had all kinds of creative campaigns that raised a lot of money. This year, the top four nominees raised over $30,000! I think I speak on behalf of all of the nominees when I say: Thank you, everyone, for your support – monetary or otherwise. We could not have raised this money without you.

 

Summer is coming soon – what are you going to do this summer? I am going to try to go to the 5th Annual Young Adult Cancer Camp that takes place from September 3-6 at a YMCA camp 45 minutes outside of Pittsburgh. YA Cancer Camp is organized by YASU and Elephants & Tea. Registration opens May 5th, and it fills quickly – there’s only 100 spots! Last year, all the spots were filled in a little over two weeks, so register ASAP if you are interested!

 

May is a month full of memories for me – a lot of cancer-related ones. May 6th was my first visit to my first managing oncologist – we talked for a while, he did a bunch of tests, and then he did a surprise bone marrow biopsy (it should be illegal for those words to be within five miles of each other, in case you were wondering). Yes, a surprise bone marrow biopsy! We had finished talking, discussing my most likely diagnosis, and then he said he wanted to do a bone marrow biopsy. So, I ask the reasonable question of “Okay, so should I schedule that up front?”

“Nah, just go down the street, get some lunch, I heard the burger place is good, then come back and we’ll do it.”

 

I, being just a bit of an anxious person, start to freak out. I asked him for anything to help – some Ativan to calm me down, maybe a pain med to help with the pain of having my hip drilled into, and he declined, saying that his bone marrow biopsies “never” hurt.

 

He was wrong.

 

Then we had to take the train home. I strongly advise against taking a train 70 minutes home after a bone marrow biopsy. However, it is a good life hack if you don’t want to pay for a ticket! They didn’t ask me for a ticket when I was sweating like a pig and cursing like a sailor at every bump the train took!

 

May 18th was a very long day. We went back to that oncologist for the results of my bone marrow biopsy. Now going in, we knew that I had cancer – either Chronic T-Cell LGL Leukemia or Chronic NK Cell LGL Leukemia (my blood work showed one, and my first bone marrow biopsy the other). This time, we drove in and took lunch with us – that ended up being a very good thing, since we had a four-hour wait in the waiting room. 3 PM comes, and my name is called; we go back into an exam room. “Maybe the doctor will come now,” we think. Nah, that’d be too easy. The clock strikes 4, and the doctor walks in. What are the first words out of his mouth? “How are you feeling?” Nope! “How did you feel after the bone marrow biopsy?” Naaah.

“So, it’s rarer than we thought!”

 

Yes, those were literally the first words out of his mouth after he stepped into the room and closed the door. He told my parents and I that I didn’t have one, but I had both subtypes! I laughed, because of course me and my medically odd self get both types of a super rare cancer.

 

We started talking when he noticed my mom was taking notes. He says she doesn’t need to do that and says to the nurse with him, “Nurse, go get my markers. They’re at the nurse’s station.” He proceeded to grab my mom’s notebook and draw diagrams explaining how my cancer works and possible treatments.

 

We talked about treatment, and I asked him, “Okay, so it’s once a week, and it’s just like my epilepsy, I take pills to keep it under control?” and he told me, “Yeah. Exactly.”

 

It isn’t. Chronic cancer isn’t like that. I’ve told you guys about how my treatment has been in the past and how I am currently on my fourth line of treatment. I have a chronic cancer; there is no true end of treatment for me; if I get a break from medication, it’s just an invisible clock counting down to when I have to start up treatment again. Luckily…this trial drug is working, and I have been on it since August 2021. Every 12 hours, $1000 goes down the hatch. Thankfully, the medication is free, courtesy of the drug company running the clinical trial.

 

I live my life visit to visit, blood draw to blood draw – on the times I don’t see an oncologist, I sit by my phone waiting for the trial nurse to call and tell me what my counts are. Is my hemoglobin stable? Are my neutrophils still good? If they’re all good, we close the call with when I will talk to them next. For my local oncologist, that’s 8 weeks. For the trial team, that’s every 28 days. So I live my life in 28-day chunks.

 

However, those of us with chronic cancer need to try to pepper things in between those visits. We need to fill our time with things that aren’t the “I wonder how my next visit is going to be?” and “the nurse hasn’t called yet with my results, and the call was scheduled for 30 minutes ago, what’s wrong with my blood????” thoughts. Come up with things you want to do! The summer’s approaching! The time of hot weather, air conditioning, and cool drinks!


Make a list – what are your long-term and short-term goals, things you want to do? It could be as simple as “visit as a friend” or as complex as “travel” (Cancer Camp? A First Descents trip? Something else?) – the sky’s the limit! Think of one for each and go from there – you don’t need to come up with anything huge, you might just want to hang out on Zoom with your friends and do some crafts as a long-term goal, or maybe you want to read that book that has been on your To Be Read list for a year now? Find something to do this summer, big or small – once you cross it off your list, you’ll let the dopamine flow and get that nice, happy feeling.

Let’s Talk About It: What It’s Like to Be a Guy with Cancer

There’s a version of the cancer story we hear all the time. And then there’s the version a lot of guys are actually living.

For a lot of young adult guys with cancer, things can look pretty steady on the outside and feel anything but on the inside. There can be pressure to keep it together. To not make things harder for other people. To push through, even when everything feels heavy, off, or just not right. Then there are societal norms that might make it harder for guys to access support. 

Research backs this up. Studies have found that men living with and beyond cancer can experience unmet supportive care needs, including psychological support, sexual health concerns, and navigating the health system (Chambers et al., 2015; Hoyt et al., 2013). Other research shows that young adults with cancer overall report unmet needs around counseling, information, fertility, and practical support, which is exactly why we don’t want to guess at what guys need. We want to ask directly (Keegan et al., 2012).

We Want To Hear From You

Ask A Cactus: Guy’s Edition is an anonymous survey created in partnership with I’m Not Done Yet Foundation to better understand what it’s actually like to be a young adult guy going through cancer.

We’re asking things like:
What actually helps when someone checks in
What makes it harder to talk about what’s going on
What people say that sounds supportive but actually isn’t
What people get wrong about your experience
What support should look like, but doesn’t yet

It takes about 10 minutes. You can skip any question you don’t feel comfortable answering. 

Why this matters

At Cactus Cancer Society, we build programs based on what young adults actually say they need.

And right now, we know there’s a gap. Guys often show up less in support spaces, and they’re more likely to feel unseen in conversations about cancer. A lot of what they’re carrying doesn’t get talked about in ways that feel natural or accessible. We don’t want to guess as to why that is. We want to get it right. Your answers help shape future programs, conversations, and spaces that actually feel relevant and worth showing up to.

A little extra incentive

After you complete the survey, you’ll get a unique code.

Email that code, along with your name and mailing address, to programs@cactuscancer.org, and you’ll be entered into a raffle for a free LEGO set as our thank-you for sharing your thoughts and insights on what it’s like to be a guy with cancer. 

👉 Got 10 minutes? Tell us what actually helps and what doesn’t.

References

Chambers, S. K., Hyde, M. K., Laurie, K., Legg, M., Frydenberg, M., Davis, I. D., Lowe, A., & Dunn, J. (2015). Experiences of Australian men diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer: A qualitative study of unmet supportive care needs. Psycho-Oncology, 24(12), 1632–1638.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25613370/

Hoyt, M. A., Stanton, A. L., Irwin, M. R., & Thomas, K. S. (2013). Cancer-related masculine threat, emotional approach coping, and physical functioning following treatment for prostate cancer. Health Psychology, 32(1), 66–74.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26202128/

Keegan, T. H. M., Lichtensztajn, D. Y., Kato, I., Kent, E. E., Wu, X.-C., West, M. M., Hamilton, A. S., Zebrack, B., Bellizzi, K. M., Smith, A. W., & AYA HOPE Study Collaborative Group. (2012). Unmet adolescent and young adult cancer survivors’ information and service needs: A population-based cancer registry study. Journal of Cancer Survivorship, 6(3), 239–250. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22457219/

Because They Get It: Peer Connection & Mentorship in Cancer Life

There’s a special kind of relief that comes from talking to someone who just gets it. No explaining, no softening, no apologizing for the hard stuff, just instant understanding.

That’s what peer connection is all about. When you’ve gone through cancer, even your most loving friends might not fully understand what it’s like to live in this new reality. The fatigue, the fear, the weird sense of being both “lucky” and “lost.” But another survivor? They know.

Peer support doesn’t erase the hard parts, but it makes them lighter to carry. It turns isolation into connection and sometimes, connection into healing.

For me, connecting to peers with blood cancer made all the difference in my mental health. It started online and eventually I gained a group of friends I’ve met IRL and keep in touch with each week. 

Why Peer Support Matters

The science backs up what you may already know: connection is medicine. Studies show that cancer survivors who engage in peer or group support report lower distress, higher quality of life, and greater sense of meaning (Spiegel & Classen, 2000; Uchino, 2006).

For young adults, that connection is even more critical. You’re navigating identity, relationships, and the future all while processing an experience that most people your age can’t relate to. Peer mentorship creates a bridge between “I’m the only one” and “I’m not alone.”

And peer doesn’t just mean patient. Caregivers, co-survivors, and loved ones benefit, too. When you can talk to someone who’s been there whether that’s about scanxiety, intimacy, returning to work, or just existing in a changed body, something inside you exhales.

Peer Mentorship & Connection Programs

These are some compassionate peer connection programs for young adults and their loved ones:

Blood Cancer United: Peer Program — bloodcancerunited.com

Connects young adults with blood cancer to trained peer mentors who understand the journey firsthand.

Brain Tumor Patient & Caregiver Mentor Support (ABTA) — abta.org

Matches patients, survivors, and caregivers navigating brain tumors with trained mentors through the American Brain Tumor Association.

Cancer Hope Network — cancerhopenetwork.org

Free and confidential 1:1 peer support for anyone impacted by cancer. Mentors are trained survivors and caregivers who’ve been through it.

CancerCare: Peer Matching — cancercare.org

Professional-led programs that offer both group support and peer matching for patients and caregivers.

Colorectal Cancer Alliance: Buddy Program — ccalliance.org

Pairs newly diagnosed patients or caregivers with trained “buddy” mentors who share lived experience.

Connecting Champions — connectingchampions.org

A unique program that connects young adults with mentors in their career field during or after treatment — helping them rebuild purpose and future goals.

FORCE: Peer Navigation Program — facingourrisk.org

Peer navigation for individuals with hereditary cancers, including breast, ovarian, pancreatic, and prostate.

Imerman Angels — imermanangels.org

Global 1:1 peer support for patients, survivors, and caregivers. Matches are made by diagnosis, age, and experience for the best fit.

LUNGevity LifeLine — lungevity.org

Matches people living with lung cancer to volunteer mentors who’ve faced similar challenges.

NETCONNECT (Neuroendocrine Cancer Foundation) — ncf.net

Connects newly diagnosed neuroendocrine tumor patients with mentors who share lived experience.

SoulMates Program (Dana-Farber Young & Strong) — dana-farber.org

Peer mentor program for young adults with breast cancer, pairing them with survivors who offer guidance and encouragement.

Young Survival Coalition (YSC) — youngsurvival.org

Offers peer connections, local meetups, and online communities for young adults affected by breast cancer.

ZERO Prostate Cancer: Us TOO Support — zerocancer.org

Peer mentors and support groups for those impacted by prostate cancer.

How to Get the Most Out of Peer Support

You don’t have to show up with the right words — just honesty. Here are a few ways to make peer connection meaningful:

  1. Be yourself. You don’t have to be “inspirational” or have it all together. You can vent, cry, or laugh.

  2. Take what fits, leave what doesn’t. Not every mentor will be your person — and that’s okay. It’s about connection, not perfection.

  3. Stay open. You might join for support and end up becoming the support for someone else.

  4. Mix peer and professional care. You can have a therapist and a peer mentor. They serve different but equally vital roles.

You Don’t Have to Go Through This Alone

Peer support is proof that healing doesn’t happen in isolation, it happens in community. Every story shared, every “me too,” every text exchanged at midnight builds a little more light into the dark corners of survivorship.

If you’re ready to find someone who’s walked a similar path, explore our Peer Connection & Mentorship Directory to find programs that match your diagnosis, age, and needs.

Because sometimes the best medicine is another human saying, “I’ve been there and you’re going to be okay.” 💛



Ask Perrie: Dating After Everything

Dear Perrie,

I’m wondering about dating after cancer treatment. I just worry that everyone will pity me and not take me seriously as a potential partner. Also, how to navigate the potential of needing care later on? How do you deal with that?

Dear Dating After Everything,

This is a tender and vulnerable question, and it makes so much sense that dating after cancer would feel complicated. Cancer can change how you see yourself, and it can make you wonder how others will see you, too. Wondering whether your potential partner will pity you or take you seriously makes sense to me; it’s a common concern I’ve heard from other YAs navigating dating. This can show up in other relationships too, not just romantic ones! I want to gently redirect you to an important follow-up question: What would it mean about the person and/or the relationship if that did happen? 

I ask this question because often when we are someone who is navigating the world of oncology, disability, chronic pain, infertility, and more, we begin to look at ourselves as the common denominator and therefore the problem. Having needs that may differ from someone your age, or who you were before cancer, does not make you the problem. Instead, I want to offer that the right person for you will stay curious about your experiences and won’t feel burdened by your medical history.  Your cancer experience is part of you, but it is not all of you. The right person will be able to see that. Sure, “normies” may need a little guidance at first (they haven’t had this experience before, after all), but I want to encourage you to notice if someone isn’t taking you seriously or giving you pity even after a conversation, then that is data about that person or the relationship.

Dating asks you to be seen, and that can feel vulnerable in a different way after going through something as significant as cancer. I also want to remind you that you get to decide how and when you share your story. Some people feel more comfortable being open early on, and others wait until there is more trust. There isn’t a right or wrong way to disclose your medical history. What matters is that it feels aligned with your comfort and your sense of safety! You get to decide if and when the person you are dating is safe enough (emotionally) to share this tender part of yourself with. 

The question about future care is a big one. Cancer can make the possibility of needing care feel more immediate and more real. At the same time, needing care at some point is part of being human and a normal part of being in a long-term relationship. There is a saying in disability spaces that disability is the only identity any of us can enter at any time. What you are naming is something many people carry, even if they are not always saying it out loud

A small reframe for you: You do not have to solve that question at the beginning of dating or a relationship. In fact, you may not want to solve it that early. 

Early on, it is enough to focus on whether this person is kind, whether they listen, whether they show up consistently, and how you feel in their presence. As a relationship grows, conversations about support, capacity, and care tend to happen more naturally. When those conversations come up, you can approach them with openness. You might share that your cancer experience has shaped how you think about support and that being able to talk about those things matters to you.

It may also help assuage any anxiety around long-term care by starting to have these conversations with yourself. For example, if and when you do need long-term care, what would be your priorities? Your major concerns? Are there any steps you could take now to have a plan in place? Things like a power of attorney, a will, or making some financial decisions could help you to feel empowered in navigating these concerns long before a long-term partner enters the picture. 

There is also something really important I am hearing underneath all of this. You are wondering if you will be seen as a full partner, someone who is desired, chosen, and taken seriously. 

Please hear me, you are worthy of all of that. Your worth in a relationship is not defined by your medical history. The right people will recognize that and see you for the full expansive human you are. If you find that you struggle with this idea, it may be time to join YA group spaces or seek out a qualified mental health therapist. Memorial Sloan Kettering has a podcast with several episodes on dating inside cancer, or you might even check out Elephants and Tea and see what other YA’s are writing about on this topic. You might also find some of these options supportive in the journey around cancer, dating, and self-love: 

Rooting for a love (and self-love) that accepts you fully,
Perrie 

Ask Perrie is Cactus Cancer Society’s advice column for the questions that young adult cancer doesn’t come with instructions for. Community members submit anonymous questions, and Perrie offers thoughtful guidance, perspective, and practical ideas for navigating life during and after cancer.

A Birthday Worth Sharing

We turned 11… and honestly, we’re feeling a little sentimental about it. What started as a small seed in the desert has grown into something real, something steady, something that keeps showing up for young adults facing cancer in all the ways that matter. That only happened because of this community. Because of people like you.

So this year, instead of doing the whole “bring a gift” thing, we wanted to flip it. To make something that feels like us. Something you can step into, experience, and maybe even carry with you after it’s over.

You’re Invited: A Day of Creativity for a Cause!

Our birthday celebration is a joyous opportunity for community, connection, and creativity. It’s a day of creativity for a cause, where you’ll be guided by Cactus Cancer Society staff through art workshops and join us for the culmination of the Young Adult Advocate of the Year (YAAY).

Get Your Tickets Here 🎟️

Our birthday party is a 5-hour virtual creative hang happening Saturday, April 18, 2026, 9:00 am–2:00 pm PT / 11:00 am–4:00 pm CT / 12:00 pm–5:00 pm ET. Pop in for one session. Stay for a few. Come and go as you need. Throughout the day, you’ll find low-pressure art tutorials that are approachable, fun, and rooted in helping you be courageously creative. 

Or… treat yourself on the auction tab!

If your love language is more “add to cart,” this is your moment. This year, we are offering a virtual auction all week long! The auction has meaningful one-of-a-kind art pieces created in our very own Neurographic Art Workshop this past March. Each piece is made with intention by a young adult cancer survivor and is available for bidding!

There is also a whole section of Fantastic Finds that you can grab instantly without bidding back and forth. There are items like Round-Trip For Two, where you’ll receive airfare for your very own summer vacation, or an Art Supply Mystery Bag, which is perfect if you want to surprise yourself creatively! There are items like the Embroidered Cactus Cancer Society Hat and the Embroidered Patch that are cute, meaningful, and very wearable! And of course, we are offering the Rooted In Resilience Anthology, on sale for $30, filled with real stories from this community and absolutely worth spending time with!

Snag yourself a lil’ something here

Want to go a step further? Help fund what happens behind the scenes 🌵

Check out the Fund Our Mission section, where you can directly support the programs that make all of this possible, which is honestly the heart of everything we do. You can sponsor an Art Workshop Supply Box for $50 or a Builders Workshop Supply Box for $50, both of which help us get materials into the hands of young adults who want to create but might not otherwise have access. You can also support the Creative Arts Book Club for $20 to help keep that space for connection and reflection.

Thank You For Being Here

However you choose to join us in celebration, we want you to know that these are the kinds of actions that make it possible for a young adult cancer survivor to log on, try something new, and feel even a little less alone. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being a part of this community. Thank you for showing up for the young adults who need this space. We can’t wait to celebrate with you!

When Cancer Isn’t the Only Battle: Disability, Chronic Illness, & Mental Health

Cancer rarely shows up alone.
For many young adults, it lands in a body that was already managing autoimmune disease, chronic pain, fatigue syndromes, disability, mental health conditions, or invisible illness long before the words “you have cancer” ever entered the chat.

So when cancer enters the picture, life does not politely pause.
You are still juggling appointments, medications, flares, side effects, work expectations, relationships, and whatever scraps of energy you have left. People may call you “strong,” but what you might actually feel is tired, frustrated, overstimulated, and wildly unseen.

And if you have ever thought, Why does this feel harder for me than it seems for everyone else? you are not imagining it.

The overlap between cancer, disability, chronic illness, and mental health creates real, measurable stressors that most people, and honestly many providers, do not talk about enough.


The Mental Health Toll of the Both and

Living with both cancer and chronic illness means your body is constantly negotiating with itself. Fatigue, pain, brain fog, and treatment side effects blur together until it is hard to tell where one condition ends and another begins.

From a clinical perspective, this overlap often leads to:

  • Medical burnout, or emotional exhaustion from years of appointments, self-advocacy, and system navigation

  • Hypervigilance, where you are constantly monitoring symptoms, flares, or changes

  • Identity grief, or mourning past versions of yourself while trying to survive the present

  • Chronic stress activation, where the nervous system stays stuck in fight or flight, worsening pain, fatigue, sleep issues, GI symptoms, and mood

You might notice feeling detached or numb, angry at your body, ashamed for needing help, guilty for resting, anxious before appointments, or quietly sad without knowing exactly why.

Many people minimize their pain because they are afraid of being labeled difficult, dramatic, or non-compliant. Those labels cause real harm, especially for young adults, women, people of color, LGBTQIA+ folks, and people with invisible disabilities who are already less likely to be believed in medical settings.

Here is the truth. Your symptoms do not need to be extreme to be real.
You deserve care that sees the full picture, not just diagnoses in isolation.


When the System Is Not Built for Complex Bodies

Healthcare systems are not designed for overlap. Full stop.

You might have specialists who do not communicate with each other, treatment plans that contradict one another, insurance that covers one diagnosis but ignores the rest, intake forms with no space for nuance, or providers who treat mental health as optional.

Clinically, experiences like ableism, medical gaslighting, and accessibility barriers are strongly associated with increased anxiety, depression, trauma responses, and healthcare avoidance. Research from DREDF highlights how these systemic failures directly contribute to mental distress for disabled and chronically ill people.

If you feel more anxious, shut down, or emotionally exhausted after medical interactions, that is not a personal failure. That is your nervous system responding to repeated invalidation.

And there is hope. Support exists when it comes from communities, therapists, and organizations that understand what it means to live in a body that does not follow the rules.


Finding Support That Actually Gets It

Healing does not mean fixing what is “wrong.”
It means creating safety, relief, and meaning within the reality of your body.

Disability-affirming and chronic illness-informed mental health care often focuses on:

  • Body neutrality and acceptance
    Separating your worth from productivity, wellness, or symptom control.

  • Energy pacing and boundaries
    Planning life around realistic energy limits to reduce flares and burnout.

  • Medical trauma recovery
    Processing fear, anger, grief, and exhaustion from years of care systems that missed the mark.

  • Self-advocacy
    Building confidence and language to communicate your needs clearly with providers.

The right therapist will honor your lived experience, not try to cure it.


Resources for Chronic Illness & Disability Mental Health

These organizations offer validation, education, and community for people balancing illness, disability, and mental health:

Center for Chronic Illness
https://thecenterforchronicillness.org
Provides virtual support groups, education, and resources for people managing chronic illness. Many programs are free and facilitated by professionals who understand both the mental and physical toll of long-term health conditions.

Chronic Illness Hotline
Call or text 512-288-8488
Peer-to-peer support run by people with lived experience of illness and disability. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone who truly gets it.

Disability Rights Education and Defense Fund (DREDF)
https://dredf.org
A national leader in disability rights advocacy offering education, policy work, and resources to help people understand their rights and access equitable healthcare.

Pain Connection (U.S. Pain Foundation)
https://uspainfoundation.org/pain-connection
A national network of peer-led support groups for individuals living with chronic pain and their caregivers, along with education and advocacy resources.


Practical Ways to Support Your Mental Health Right Now

You do not need a perfect plan. You just need permission to start.

  • Honor your pacing
    Rest is not laziness. It is symptom management.

  • Use adaptive tools
    Mobility aids, accessibility devices, and energy-saving hacks are forms of self-respect, not surrender.

  • Create emotional accessibility
    Let your people know what kind of support you need, whether that is quiet presence, distraction, or help with logistics.

  • Connect with peers
    Disability-affirming communities can reduce isolation in ways even excellent medical care cannot.

  • Seek professionals who get it
    Use directories like Inclusive Therapists or TherapyDen to find providers experienced in chronic illness and disability-informed therapy.


You Deserve a Life That Fits You

Living with cancer and chronic illness or disability does not make you broken. It makes you complex, adaptive, and worthy of care that honors that complexity.

You do not have to prove your pain.
You do not have to perform gratitude.
You do not have to make others comfortable at your own expense.

Healing is allowed to look unconventional.
Rest is allowed to be productive.
Joy is allowed to exist alongside pain.

If you are ready to explore resources that support your whole self, body, mind, and everything in between, visit our Disability, Chronic Illness, & Mental Health Resource Directory for peer support groups, advocacy networks, and organizations that speak your language.

Because your story does not end with a diagnosis.
It expands from it. 💛

Ask Perrie: More Than Just Tired

Dear Perrie,

I am a few years out of active treatment, and I still have significant post-treatment fatigue. Not looking for strategies to combat fatigue, but more on how to explain it to other people that my “tired” (bone-deep exhaustion) is different than other people’s “tired.” It’s hard, because I also look physically well now and I’m able to “function” well. Advice needed, Perrie!!

Dear More Than Just Tired,

First, I want to validate that your experience makes sense, and you are far from alone in this. So many young adults I talk to share this exact tension: they look “functional” (especially as young adults). Some may even have a habit of pushing through chronic symptoms so they can still participate in regular life, but end up crashing later. This all happens while carrying bone-deep fatigue and the internal battle of managing capacity as an adult. That’s a lot. 

One tool that can really help put language to this is Spoon Theory. If you’re not familiar, it’s a way of describing energy as a limited number of “spoons” you start the day with. Every task (like getting dressed, working, socializing, even thinking through something emotional) costs a spoon. Using this framework with others can sometimes help them visualize what it’s like to balance capacity while living with chronic fatigue. 

So, instead of saying “I’m tired,” you might say: “I only have a certain number of spoons each day, and I have to choose carefully how I use them.” Or “If I spend my energy here, I might not have enough left for something later. I’ve found that language like this can sometimes help ‘normies’ understand that chronic fatigue isn’t about willpower or effort, it’s about capacity. In my personal life, I’ve even set up a system at home so my husband knows my spoons/capacity that day. I’ll write on the whiteboard or text him how many spoons I have, which helps us adjust our schedule accordingly. 

It may also help to pair Spoon Theory with language such as “dynamic disability” and “invisible illness”. Dynamic disability means your abilities are not fixed. Your capacity can shift day to day or even hour to hour, so what feels manageable one day may feel impossible the next. Invisible illness means what you’re experiencing may not be obvious to others. You might look “fine” while your body is working overtime just to function. Together, these terms can help explain why chronic fatigue is so hard for others to see or understand and help to reinforce your limits when discussing your fatigue with others. 

Lastly, it may also be supportive to get concrete about what support actually looks like. People often want to help, but don’t know how, having never lived through cancer or chronic fatigue. You might say something like, “It helps when plans are flexible,” “I may need to cancel at the last minute,” “Offering options instead of expectations makes things easier,” or “Low-energy time together still means a lot to me.” These types of statements set expectations and communicate directly the type of support that feels most helpful for YOU. You might need to practice these statements on your own at first, and that’s okay! I’ve been known to have a mirror conversation or two to help myself practice naming my needs.

All that said, there is a hard truth we can’t avoid when communicating our needs: Even the best explanation won’t make everyone understand.

You can do your best to explain your experience. You can offer tools to understand. You can be vulnerable and honest. But you cannot control whether someone truly gets it. What you can control is how you care for yourself in response. That’s where boundaries come in. That might sound like, “I need to head out early so I don’t overdo it.” “I can’t commit to that right now.” “I need a slower day today.” Try not to over-explain, and try not to apologize for having real limits! Boundary work is often easier said than done, because we then have to sit with someone’s uncomfortable reactions to our boundaries. I recommend checking out Nedra Glover, a licensed therapist and author who discusses boundary-setting extensively, as a tool for support. 

And as a side note, if you do share vulnerably (which is always optional) with someone and take the time to explain your fatigue, your limits, your reality, and they dismiss it, minimize it, or continue to expect more from you than you can give… that’s important information about the relationship. Don’t get me wrong, some people will meet you there. They’ll adjust expectations, move plans around, respect your limits, and truly care about your capacity. They’ll make a real effort to accommodate your needs and still include you. These types of relationships are worth their weight in gold. And still…. others won’t. Part of navigating life after cancer is learning to invest your energy in the relationships that can honor your reality, not fight against it.

There is also something really powerful in your question. I can tell that you are learning how to listen to and honor your body, name your limits, and advocate for yourself in ways most people never have to. This work is hard, but it’s absolutely vital in reconnecting with yourself after an experience like cancer. I’m really proud of you for doing the hard things! 

With you in it,
Perrie 🌵

Ask Perrie is Cactus Cancer Society’s advice column for the questions that young adult cancer doesn’t come with instructions for. Community members submit anonymous questions, and Perrie offers thoughtful guidance, perspective, and practical ideas for navigating life during and after cancer.

AYA Awareness Week: What We’re Still Missing

April 6th through April 10th is Adolescent and Young Adult (AYA) Cancer Awareness Week, a time dedicated to bringing attention to the unique realities of people diagnosed with cancer between the ages of 15 and 39, a group that often falls in between pediatric and older adult care and is frequently overlooked in research, resources, and support.

According to the National Cancer Institute, about 89,000 young people in this age range are diagnosed with cancer each year in the United States, accounting for about five percent of all diagnoses.

What’s less often talked about is that for some cancers, rates are actually rising in younger generations. According to the American Cancer Society, colorectal cancer in people under 50 has been increasing by about 2–3% each year, even as rates decline in older adults. It has also become one of the leading causes of cancer-related death among young adults, with about 1 in 5 new cases now diagnosed in people under 55.

The National Cancer Institute notes that young adults are also more likely to be diagnosed at later stages, in part because symptoms are often dismissed or attributed to less serious conditions. And this trend isn’t limited to one type of cancer. Research highlighted by the National Institutes of Health shows that several cancers, including breast, pancreatic, kidney, and colorectal, are increasing in younger generations, pointing to a broader shift in cancer trends.

So yes, awareness matters. But awareness alone doesn’t change what it feels like to be dismissed in a doctor’s office, or to navigate disability, fertility, identity, and everything in between. Recently, our Rooted Voices Advisory Board came together to reflect on AYA Awareness Week. We asked a simple but honest question: What’s really needed in the AYA space with all that is going on the world today? What emerged was thoughtful, direct, and deeply grounded in lived experience.

Here are a few of the themes that came forward.

Being taken seriously, earlier

Many young adults shared how difficult it can be to get answers when their concerns aren’t taken seriously. Being told you’re “too young,” reassured too quickly, or asked to wait it out can delay diagnosis and add another layer of stress to an already overwhelming experience.

Several board members described having to push for testing or advocate more strongly than expected, especially when symptoms were initially minimized. Over time, this can create hesitation. People begin to question their own instincts, wonder if they’re overreacting, or delay speaking up again, even when something still feels off.

Board members also pointed to the need for stronger provider training in bedside manner, clearer guidance for young adults on when and how to advocate for additional testing, and clinical environments where concerns are met with curiosity instead of dismissal. Small shifts in how concerns are received can make a meaningful difference, not just in outcomes, but in how safe and supported someone feels seeking care.

Turning advocacy into something tangible

Accessible education around prevention and early detection, including HPV vaccines, pap smears, mammograms, and genetic testing, was also highlighted as an ongoing need. Without clear, centralized information, many young adults are left to piece things together on their own or learn about options later than they should.

That same gap shows up in how we talk about self-advocacy. It’s often encouraged, but not always explained in a way that feels usable in real moments of care.

Board members expressed interest in more concrete, shared tools, such as a toolkit or living resource document that young adults can return to and build on over time. This could include language for how to approach second opinions, guidance for navigating pushback or uncertainty, and clear next steps when care is denied or delayed.

Tools like this can help make advocacy feel more possible, especially in moments when it’s hardest to know what to say or do.

Making space for grief in all its forms

Grief showed up in many different ways in this conversation. Not only in response to loss, but in the ongoing, layered ways it can exist alongside a cancer experience. Changes in identity, plans, relationships, and sense of certainty all carry their own forms of grief. They identified a need for ongoing spaces to process grief, community-based ways to remember and honor those who have died, and support that acknowledges grief as an integral part of the experience, not something separate from it. 

Making resources easier to find and use

A number of participants reflected on how difficult it can be to find and navigate available resources. They shared that finding information and resources about fertility preservation and storage, financial assistance and grants, insurance navigation and appeals, and workplace and school accommodations has been challenging. In many cases, resources do exist, but they are scattered or not clearly communicated. There is a strong desire for more centralized, easy-to-understand information that young adults can actually use in real time.

Expanding what support can look like

Support groups can be meaningful, but they may not meet every need. Young adults are often navigating multiple layers of experience at once, and many are looking for support that feels more tailored and reflective of who they are. This includes identity-affirming spaces, creative and flexible ways to process and connect, and broader representation across cancer types, including rare diagnoses. Support is most effective when it reflects the complexity of the people it’s meant to serve.

What We’re Doing (and Still Learning)

At Cactus Cancer Society, AYA Awareness Month is not just about visibility. It’s about listening and responding.

Many of our programs are shaped directly by conversations like this:

  • Creative spaces like The Inner Canvas, where grief and identity can be explored without pressure
  • Programming that centers lived experience alongside professional insight
  • CE Programs where providers can learn more about how to effectively support YAs with cancer 
  • Ongoing efforts to make resources more visible, usable, and relevant, including our recently updated resource section 

And we know there is still more to build.

Awareness Isn’t the End Goal

AYA Awareness Month matters. Awareness is only the beginning. What young adults are asking for is care that is informed, accessible, and responsive to the reality of their lives.

Part of that is in the small moments. Like being listened to, being taken seriously, having access to information that’s actually clear and easy to find, knowing what questions to ask, and feeling supported enough to ask them.

It’s also in the way support shows up over time. Not just at diagnosis, but in the in-between, in the long-term, and in the parts that don’t always get talked about. We’ll keep listening. And we’ll keep building alongside this community.

Got feedback you want to share with us on what you think the YA Cancer Community needs? Reach out to us at info@cactuscancer.org 

Ask Perrie: Reclaiming Your Voice

Dear Perrie,

How do you advocate for yourself at doctors’ appointments and hospitals when you have been failed by the medical system before? (ie. missed diagnosis and now new problems are arising….)

Dear Reclaiming Your Voice,

This is such an important question, and I’m so glad you asked it! The truth is that many young adult cancer survivors experience medical mistrust. In the U.S., it’s not uncommon to encounter providers who are burnt out, overworked, and treat patients like numbers rather than people. Missed diagnoses, medical gaslighting, and difficulty trusting the system again are, unfortunately, experiences I have heard from many other young adult cancer survivors.

Despite that, we still have to advocate for ourselves. Recognizing and validating the real barriers and emotions that might get in the way is an important first step. Pushing through with a toxic positivity mindset isn’t very sustainable and can often leave folx feeling even more frustrated than before.

If you find yourself shutting down during appointments, you may need a way to come back into your body and stay present, using tools like mindfulness, fidgets, note-taking, or asking for follow-up appointments. If you find yourself overwhelmed, triggered, or angry in these appointments, you may need to practice deep regulation and communicating your concerns, even when big feelings are in the room.

A helpful tip, in any situation, is to start keeping an organizational system. You likely have access to a virtual chart, and if so, I would practice reviewing your medical notes, labs, and visit summaries before appointments. I’ve recommended to people in the past to have their own medical binder or notebook. But really, you can grab any piece of paper or even the notes section of your phone and jot down your thoughts and the top 5 questions you want to address in your next appointment. Organizing yourself this way can help you stay grounded in what is most important to cover in your appointments, even when you are feeling overwhelmed, scared, or tapped out. 

It can also be incredibly supportive to bring someone with you to appointments when possible. Having a support person can be another great grounding tool and a way for someone to have your back when you need to speak up for yourself. If it’s not possible to have a support person, you could also ask permission to record doctors’ appointments so you can listen back to them later. Recording offers a way for you to review information and return to it, a helpful strategy if it takes time for you to process information. 

It’s also completely okay to ask your provider to slow down. If something is confusing, or they are using a term you don’t understand, it’s okay to ask, “Can you explain that another way?” or “Can you walk me through your thought process as to why this test is the best option, or this other option isn’t a good idea?” Asking providers to clarify their reasoning and thoughts can help you to better understand your care and give you the opportunity to notice if your concerns are being taken seriously. If you find that you are consistently being dismissed, even after you’ve spoken up, then it might be time to pivot.

An important part of self-advocacy is remembering that seeking a second opinion or switching providers is not offensive; it is an act of prioritizing your needs. After all, this is your health! This is a normal and reasonable part of medical care for young adults with cancer or complex medical histories. Seeking another perspective or giving yourself permission to find a new doctor with whom you develop a better relationship does not mean you are difficult; it means you are taking your health seriously. 

Finally, I want to acknowledge that rebuilding trust in medical spaces can take time. If you find that you are still struggling, I want to gently encourage you to reach out for therapy, community support, or other spaces where you can process these experiences. Medical trauma is real, and you deserve support in navigating the impact it may have had on your relationship with healthcare. Advocating for yourself does not mean you have to be perfectly confident or fearless. Sometimes it simply means showing up, asking the question anyway, and reminding yourself that your experiences in your own body matter.

You deserve to be heard. You deserve to be believed. And you deserve care that takes you seriously.

In your corner,
Perrie 

Ask Perrie is Cactus Cancer Society’s advice column for the questions that young adult cancer doesn’t come with instructions for. Community members submit anonymous questions, and Perrie offers thoughtful guidance, perspective, and practical ideas for navigating life during and after cancer.