Back to School: September 2026

It’s September! The start of the school year is here and that means it’s time for kids to learn, but what about adults? We don’t have any curriculum or teachers to teach us, we’re adults – we need to teach ourselves. However, how do we figure out what we should learn or what we even want to learn?  One thing to do is think about school – what did you like? Did you like Math? English? History? Science? Maybe art, gym, health, or one of those other “specials” in school (At least that is what those subjects were called when I was in school)? We all liked at least something at one point – what was yours?

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You Get a Say: Shared Decision-Making and Biomarker Testing in Young Adult Cancer

As a young adult cancer survivor, I remember how quickly treatment started moving and how much information I was expected to absorb along the way. There were appointments, new medical terms, treatment decisions, and a parade of acronyms, all arriving while I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I had cancer at 30.

If you have ever left an oncology appointment wondering what just happened, what half of those words meant, or whether you were supposed to have an opinion about the plan, I promise you are in very good company.

Young adults are often making cancer decisions while also thinking about fertility, work, school, finances, relationships, mental health, and plans for the future. Those parts of our lives do not become less important when cancer enters the picture. They often become even more important.

You deserve to understand your options and have a meaningful voice in what happens next. That is where shared decision-making comes in.

What Is Shared Decision-Making?

The National Cancer Institute defines shared decision-making as a process in which a patient and health care professional work together to decide on the best plan of care.

Your care team brings medical knowledge, clinical experience, and information about the potential benefits and risks of each option. You bring knowledge about your own life. You know what matters to you, how your body is feeling, what you are worried about, which side effects feel manageable, and what you need treatment to make room for.

Shared decision-making means receiving information in language you can understand, having time to ask questions, and being treated as an active participant in your care. You can ask your provider to explain something again, write it down, discuss another option, or take time to think. You can bring someone you trust to an appointment or request a second opinion.

This kind of partnership can be especially helpful when your care team is considering whether additional testing could provide useful information about your cancer. Biomarker testing is one example of a decision you may want to discuss together. It may offer clues about your cancer and possible treatment options, but whether testing is useful depends on factors such as your cancer type, stage, and treatment history. Your goals and priorities can then help guide the decisions that follow.

What Is Biomarker Testing?

Biomarkers are genes, proteins, gene changes, or other substances that can provide information about a cancer. They may help your care team better understand your cancer’s subtype, how it behaves, or whether it is likely to respond to a particular treatment.

You may hear biomarker testing called molecular testing, tumor profiling, somatic testing, genomic testing, or genetic testing of the tumor. Depending on your cancer and the purpose of the test, a laboratory may examine tumor tissue collected during a biopsy or surgery, blood, or another bodily fluid.

Examples of biomarkers include HER2 in breast, stomach, and some lung cancers; EGFR and ALK in lung cancer; tumor changes involving BRCA1 and BRCA2 in several cancer types; KRAS in colorectal, lung, and pancreatic cancers; and IDH in gliomas.

Biomarker testing may help identify a targeted therapy or immunotherapy, rule out treatments that are unlikely to help, clarify information about your cancer, or determine whether you may qualify for a clinical trial.

It is also important to understand the limits of biomarker testing. Its usefulness depends on your cancer type, stage, treatment history, and the biomarkers researchers currently understand. Testing may identify a treatment option, provide information that doesn’t change the current plan, or produce an uncertain result. A biomarker result can be important information without providing every answer.

Bringing Biomarker Testing Into the Conversation

If biomarker testing may be relevant to your cancer, ask your care team how it could inform your treatment options. You can also ask what the test examines, what sample is needed, how long results may take, what it may cost, and whether waiting for results could delay treatment. When the report is available, ask your oncologist to explain what it means for your care.

Questions to consider:

  • Has my cancer been tested for biomarkers, and can I have a copy of the report?
  • What did the test find, and does it change your recommendation?
  • Could the results identify a treatment or clinical trial?
  • What are the test’s limitations?
  • How might each option affect my fertility, energy, cognition, sexual health, work, or quality of life?
  • How much time do I have to decide?
  • What other options should we discuss?

You do not have to ask everything at once. Choose the questions that matter most, and bring a support person to take notes if helpful.

Help Us Color in the Gaps in AYA Cancer Care

At Cactus Cancer Society, we create spaces where young adults can talk honestly about what cancer care is actually like. We want to know how conversations about shared decision-making and biomarkers felt from your side of the exam room.

What did you understand? What felt confusing? What do you wish someone had explained differently? What helped you feel heard?

These questions will be part of our next four-week Creative Arts Book Club, Hue’s in the Moment?

Together, we’ll work through Into the Moment: A Journal and Coloring Book to Inspire Mindful Creativity by Dani DiPirro. Each online session will include coloring, journaling, grounding activities, creative connection, and good conversation with fellow young adult cancer patients, survivors, and thrivers.

During the final 30 minutes of each session, we’ll hold a compensated focus group about shared decision-making and biomarker education in young adult oncology. You do not need to have a particular biomarker, receive biomarker testing, or arrive with expert knowledge. We want to learn from a wide range of young adult cancer experiences.

As both a young adult cancer survivor and a clinician, I know these conversations can bring us back to decisions, questions, and moments that felt deeply personal, confusing, or vulnerable. I am sincerely grateful to everyone willing to share those experiences. Your perspective matters, and we will treat it with the care it deserves.

Who: Young adult cancer patients, survivors, and thrivers ages 18–45
When: Tuesdays, September 15, September 22, September 29, and October 6
Time: 5–7 p.m. PT / 6–8 p.m. MT / 7–9 p.m. CT / 8–10 p.m. ET
Where: Online via Zoom
Compensation: A $10 Amazon gift card for each focus group session attended, with $50 total for participating in all four sessions, plus a free copy of Into the Moment

REGISTER FOR HUE’S IN THE MOMENT

This season of Creative Arts Book Club is sponsored by Daiichi Sankyo (DSI), a pharmaceutical company focused on oncology. Focus group feedback will be shared with DSI in de-identified form, which means participants’ names and identifying information will not be included.

This information is intended for educational purposes and is not a substitute for personalized guidance from your health care team. Whether biomarker testing is appropriate depends on your individual diagnosis, treatment history, and circumstances.

Ask Perrie: Looking for Answers

Dear Perrie,

My mom was recently diagnosed with metastatic, stage four bone cancer following a brutal car accident. The diagnosis came from a scan that was done because she broke her pelvis in the accident. She was five years from having “recovered” from breast cancer. My biggest question, besides the “why” that everyone grapples with, is: If the doctors were doing their job and following up with her and doing check-ups to make sure the cancer wasn’t coming back, how is she already at stage four? Why weren’t they looking? Why didn’t they check? What could they have missed? Do we sue? Can I talk to her “care providers”

These thoughts are all-consuming, and I do believe there is someone to blame. Thoughts?

Dear Looking for Answers,

First, I want to say how sorry I am that your family is facing this. Receiving a metastatic diagnosis five years after a previous cancer diagnosis is devastating for patients and the people who love them, especially when it comes completely unexpectedly. It makes complete sense to me that your brain is searching for a “why.”

When something traumatic or unexpected happens, our brains often search for reasons, answers, and patterns in an attempt to understand what happened and keep ourselves and the people we love safe. Sometimes anger can become part of that search too, especially when something feels unfair, preventable, or impossible to make sense of.

I name that because you mentioned these thoughts are all-consuming. I want to make some space for why your brain may be returning to these questions over and over without dismissing the concerns underneath them. It may be helpful to get curious about what feelings or fears are sitting below some of these thoughts. Are you afraid someone failed your mom? Are you angry that this happened after your family thought cancer was behind you? Are you trying to understand whether anything could have changed what is happening now? Those questions may help you better understand what you need as you continue to support your mom.

As far as the medical questions, I absolutely encourage you and your mom to bring these concerns directly to her care team. You deserve space to ask, “What happened?” and “What do we know now that we didn’t know before?” Her providers are going to be the people best positioned to explain her individual history, what they were monitoring, what they saw over time, and what they understand about her cancer now.

It may help to write your questions down before the appointment so everything doesn’t disappear the moment you walk into the room. You could ask what her follow-up plan had been after her original breast cancer treatment, whether there were any earlier findings that look different in hindsight, when they believe the current cancer may have developed, and whether there is anything about her previous records that they want to review again.

If your mom wants you involved in those conversations, she can also ask her medical team what they need from her so they are able to speak openly with you about her care. Sometimes having another person in the room to take notes, remember questions, or simply listen can be really helpful when everyone is overwhelmed.

If, after talking with her providers and reviewing her records, your family still has serious concerns about her care, you can seek a second opinion or ask another qualified specialist to review her case. It may also help to bring a trusted advocate or family member to appointments, take notes, and write down questions in advance.

In the meantime, I really want to encourage you to give some attention to yourself, too. You were just thrown into a completely different chapter of your mom’s cancer experience without warning. Fear, anger, grief, and uncertainty can take up an enormous amount of mental space, and you deserve support as you carry all of this. That might look like joining a caregiver or co-survivor support group, seeking individual therapy, or connecting with a breast cancer or caregiver community. You do not have to navigate this alone, and you are worthy of care and support, too.

Living Beyond Breast Cancer offers resources for people living with metastatic breast cancer, as well as for their family members and loved ones. They also provide support and opportunities to connect with others who understand the emotional challenges of breast cancer. Elephants and Tea offers writing workshops for caregivers, along with magazines and articles focused specifically on the caregiving experience.

You don’t have to stop asking questions or searching for answers. I just hope you can give yourself permission to recognize that you may be searching for two different things right now: information about what happened and a way to make sense of something that feels profoundly unfair. The first may come through conversations with her medical team. The second may take more time, support, and care.

Sending you and your mom so much care as you navigate what comes next,

Perrie

Ask Perrie is Cactus Cancer Society’s advice column for the questions that young adult cancer doesn’t come with instructions for. Community members submit anonymous questions, and Perrie offers thoughtful guidance, perspective, and practical ideas for navigating life during and after cancer.

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Finding Your People Online: Virtual Support Groups That Get It

Here’s the truth: connection doesn’t always happen in person. Sometimes it happens through screens, across time zones, between people who’ve never met but understand each other instantly.

That’s the beauty of virtual support groups. They take the loneliness that so often shadows cancer, especially for young adults, and turn it into something softer, something shared. Whether you’re tuning in from a hospital bed, your couch, or a tiny apartment with a stubborn Wi-Fi signal, you can still find your people.

You don’t have to be in the same room to be in the same story.

Why Virtual Support Matters

Young adult cancer life is full of contradictions: you might look fine but feel awful, crave community but feel too tired to socialize, want to talk about cancer but not only talk about cancer. That’s where online groups shine.

Virtual spaces create accessibility: physically, emotionally, and financially. No commute. No awkward waiting rooms. No pressure to “look okay.” You can show up in your pajamas, with your camera off, or just listen until you’re ready to speak.

And the benefits are real. Research shows that online peer and support groups for cancer survivors improve mood, reduce isolation, and increase overall quality of life (Uchino, 2006; Spiegel & Classen, 2000).

What Virtual Support Can Offer

  • Anonymity and flexibility. Show up however you need to. You can speak, type, or simply listen.

  • Shared language. No explaining chemo brain or scanxiety. Everyone just gets it.

  • Diverse community. Connect with people across diagnoses, geographies, and lived experiences.

  • Accessibility. Whether you’re immunocompromised, fatigued, or far from a major cancer center, you still have access to care and connection.

You don’t need to have the perfect words or energy to join. You just need curiosity and maybe a little courage.

Virtual Support Groups

The following organizations offer online spaces where you can find understanding, humor, and friendship no matter what stage you’re in.

Breastcancer.org Virtual Meetups — breastcancer.org

Weekly Zoom groups organized by diagnosis and stage, including metastatic and young-adult-specific meetups.

Bright Spot Network — brightspotnetwork.org

Designed for young adult survivors who are parenting small children. Programs include support groups, workshops, and community events.

Cancer Dudes — cancerdudes.org

A space for men moving forward after cancer, focusing on purpose, growth, and peer connection.

CancerCare Online Support Groups — cancercare.org

Free, 15-week virtual groups led by oncology social workers. Each group focuses on specific diagnoses, caregiver needs, or survivorship stages.

Cancer Survivors Network (American Cancer Society) — cancer.org

An active online discussion board connecting survivors and caregivers nationwide.

Gilda’s Club (Cancer Support Community Affiliate) — cancersupportcommunity.org

Offers free virtual support groups and YA-specific programs led by trained facilitators.

I Had Cancer — ihadcancer.com

A social network connecting fighters, survivors, and caregivers through profiles, blogs, and forums organized by diagnosis and life stage.

Living Beyond Breast Cancer (LBBC) Online Support Groups — lbbc.org

Peer-led Facebook and online groups for breast cancer patients, including young adult and metastatic-specific communities.

Pickles Group — picklesgroup.org

Virtual support for children and teens (ages 6–18) whose parent or guardian has cancer — because kids need community too.

SHARE Cancer Support — sharecancersupport.org

Peer-led nonprofit offering virtual support groups and navigation for breast and gynecologic cancers.

TNBC Foundation Online Support Groups — tnbcfoundation.org

Virtual programs and groups dedicated to those living with triple-negative breast cancer.

Ulman Foundation — ulmanfoundation.org

Virtual and in-person programs for young adults, including navigation, fitness, and community gatherings.

Young Adult Survivors United (YASU) — yasurvivors.org

Ongoing wellness and virtual support groups for young adult survivors and co-survivors, with fun and flexible formats.

How to Choose a Virtual Space That Fits You

Not every group will feel like home and that’s okay. The right one will. Here’s how to find it:

  1. Try a few formats. Some people love structured discussion groups, others prefer casual drop-ins.

  2. Notice how you feel afterward. Do you feel lighter, seen, or calmer? That’s a good sign.

  3. Look for moderated or professionally facilitated spaces. These ensure emotional safety and clear boundaries.

  4. Check accessibility. Some offer captioning, flexible schedules, or asynchronous options for low-energy days.

You can also reach out to your oncology social worker or Cactus Cancer’s team for suggestions. We love connecting folks with spaces where they’ll thrive.

You’re Already Connected

Virtual support groups remind us that healing doesn’t happen in isolation, it happens in community, even if that community is built on screens and shared playlists.

If you’re ready to find your people, explore our Virtual Support Group Directory on the Cactus Cancer Society website. From young adult drop-ins to diagnosis-specific meetups, there’s a place waiting for you.

Because no matter where you are, your couch, your clinic, your car connection is still possible. And it just might change everything. 💛



Because They Get It: Peer Connection & Mentorship in Cancer Life

There’s a special kind of relief that comes from talking to someone who just gets it. No explaining, no softening, no apologizing for the hard stuff, just instant understanding.

That’s what peer connection is all about. When you’ve gone through cancer, even your most loving friends might not fully understand what it’s like to live in this new reality. The fatigue, the fear, the weird sense of being both “lucky” and “lost.” But another survivor? They know.

Peer support doesn’t erase the hard parts, but it makes them lighter to carry. It turns isolation into connection and sometimes, connection into healing.

For me, connecting to peers with blood cancer made all the difference in my mental health. It started online and eventually I gained a group of friends I’ve met IRL and keep in touch with each week. 

Why Peer Support Matters

The science backs up what you may already know: connection is medicine. Studies show that cancer survivors who engage in peer or group support report lower distress, higher quality of life, and greater sense of meaning (Spiegel & Classen, 2000; Uchino, 2006).

For young adults, that connection is even more critical. You’re navigating identity, relationships, and the future all while processing an experience that most people your age can’t relate to. Peer mentorship creates a bridge between “I’m the only one” and “I’m not alone.”

And peer doesn’t just mean patient. Caregivers, co-survivors, and loved ones benefit, too. When you can talk to someone who’s been there whether that’s about scanxiety, intimacy, returning to work, or just existing in a changed body, something inside you exhales.

Peer Mentorship & Connection Programs

These are some compassionate peer connection programs for young adults and their loved ones:

Blood Cancer United: Peer Program — bloodcancerunited.com

Connects young adults with blood cancer to trained peer mentors who understand the journey firsthand.

Brain Tumor Patient & Caregiver Mentor Support (ABTA) — abta.org

Matches patients, survivors, and caregivers navigating brain tumors with trained mentors through the American Brain Tumor Association.

Cancer Hope Network — cancerhopenetwork.org

Free and confidential 1:1 peer support for anyone impacted by cancer. Mentors are trained survivors and caregivers who’ve been through it.

CancerCare: Peer Matching — cancercare.org

Professional-led programs that offer both group support and peer matching for patients and caregivers.

Colorectal Cancer Alliance: Buddy Program — ccalliance.org

Pairs newly diagnosed patients or caregivers with trained “buddy” mentors who share lived experience.

Connecting Champions — connectingchampions.org

A unique program that connects young adults with mentors in their career field during or after treatment — helping them rebuild purpose and future goals.

FORCE: Peer Navigation Program — facingourrisk.org

Peer navigation for individuals with hereditary cancers, including breast, ovarian, pancreatic, and prostate.

Imerman Angels — imermanangels.org

Global 1:1 peer support for patients, survivors, and caregivers. Matches are made by diagnosis, age, and experience for the best fit.

LUNGevity LifeLine — lungevity.org

Matches people living with lung cancer to volunteer mentors who’ve faced similar challenges.

NETCONNECT (Neuroendocrine Cancer Foundation) — ncf.net

Connects newly diagnosed neuroendocrine tumor patients with mentors who share lived experience.

SoulMates Program (Dana-Farber Young & Strong) — dana-farber.org

Peer mentor program for young adults with breast cancer, pairing them with survivors who offer guidance and encouragement.

Young Survival Coalition (YSC) — youngsurvival.org

Offers peer connections, local meetups, and online communities for young adults affected by breast cancer.

ZERO Prostate Cancer: Us TOO Support — zerocancer.org

Peer mentors and support groups for those impacted by prostate cancer.

How to Get the Most Out of Peer Support

You don’t have to show up with the right words — just honesty. Here are a few ways to make peer connection meaningful:

  1. Be yourself. You don’t have to be “inspirational” or have it all together. You can vent, cry, or laugh.

  2. Take what fits, leave what doesn’t. Not every mentor will be your person — and that’s okay. It’s about connection, not perfection.

  3. Stay open. You might join for support and end up becoming the support for someone else.

  4. Mix peer and professional care. You can have a therapist and a peer mentor. They serve different but equally vital roles.

You Don’t Have to Go Through This Alone

Peer support is proof that healing doesn’t happen in isolation, it happens in community. Every story shared, every “me too,” every text exchanged at midnight builds a little more light into the dark corners of survivorship.

If you’re ready to find someone who’s walked a similar path, explore our Peer Connection & Mentorship Directory to find programs that match your diagnosis, age, and needs.

Because sometimes the best medicine is another human saying, “I’ve been there and you’re going to be okay.” 💛



Ask Perrie: Dating After Everything

Dear Perrie,

I’m wondering about dating after cancer treatment. I just worry that everyone will pity me and not take me seriously as a potential partner. Also, how to navigate the potential of needing care later on? How do you deal with that?

Dear Dating After Everything,

This is a tender and vulnerable question, and it makes so much sense that dating after cancer would feel complicated. Cancer can change how you see yourself, and it can make you wonder how others will see you, too. Wondering whether your potential partner will pity you or take you seriously makes sense to me; it’s a common concern I’ve heard from other YAs navigating dating. This can show up in other relationships too, not just romantic ones! I want to gently redirect you to an important follow-up question: What would it mean about the person and/or the relationship if that did happen? 

I ask this question because often when we are someone who is navigating the world of oncology, disability, chronic pain, infertility, and more, we begin to look at ourselves as the common denominator and therefore the problem. Having needs that may differ from someone your age, or who you were before cancer, does not make you the problem. Instead, I want to offer that the right person for you will stay curious about your experiences and won’t feel burdened by your medical history.  Your cancer experience is part of you, but it is not all of you. The right person will be able to see that. Sure, “normies” may need a little guidance at first (they haven’t had this experience before, after all), but I want to encourage you to notice if someone isn’t taking you seriously or giving you pity even after a conversation, then that is data about that person or the relationship.

Dating asks you to be seen, and that can feel vulnerable in a different way after going through something as significant as cancer. I also want to remind you that you get to decide how and when you share your story. Some people feel more comfortable being open early on, and others wait until there is more trust. There isn’t a right or wrong way to disclose your medical history. What matters is that it feels aligned with your comfort and your sense of safety! You get to decide if and when the person you are dating is safe enough (emotionally) to share this tender part of yourself with. 

The question about future care is a big one. Cancer can make the possibility of needing care feel more immediate and more real. At the same time, needing care at some point is part of being human and a normal part of being in a long-term relationship. There is a saying in disability spaces that disability is the only identity any of us can enter at any time. What you are naming is something many people carry, even if they are not always saying it out loud

A small reframe for you: You do not have to solve that question at the beginning of dating or a relationship. In fact, you may not want to solve it that early. 

Early on, it is enough to focus on whether this person is kind, whether they listen, whether they show up consistently, and how you feel in their presence. As a relationship grows, conversations about support, capacity, and care tend to happen more naturally. When those conversations come up, you can approach them with openness. You might share that your cancer experience has shaped how you think about support and that being able to talk about those things matters to you.

It may also help assuage any anxiety around long-term care by starting to have these conversations with yourself. For example, if and when you do need long-term care, what would be your priorities? Your major concerns? Are there any steps you could take now to have a plan in place? Things like a power of attorney, a will, or making some financial decisions could help you to feel empowered in navigating these concerns long before a long-term partner enters the picture. 

There is also something really important I am hearing underneath all of this. You are wondering if you will be seen as a full partner, someone who is desired, chosen, and taken seriously. 

Please hear me, you are worthy of all of that. Your worth in a relationship is not defined by your medical history. The right people will recognize that and see you for the full expansive human you are. If you find that you struggle with this idea, it may be time to join YA group spaces or seek out a qualified mental health therapist. Memorial Sloan Kettering has a podcast with several episodes on dating inside cancer, or you might even check out Elephants and Tea and see what other YA’s are writing about on this topic. You might also find some of these options supportive in the journey around cancer, dating, and self-love: 

Rooting for a love (and self-love) that accepts you fully,
Perrie 

Ask Perrie is Cactus Cancer Society’s advice column for the questions that young adult cancer doesn’t come with instructions for. Community members submit anonymous questions, and Perrie offers thoughtful guidance, perspective, and practical ideas for navigating life during and after cancer.

Submit your own question

Ask Perrie: More Than Just Tired

Dear Perrie,

I am a few years out of active treatment, and I still have significant post-treatment fatigue. Not looking for strategies to combat fatigue, but more on how to explain it to other people that my “tired” (bone-deep exhaustion) is different than other people’s “tired.” It’s hard, because I also look physically well now and I’m able to “function” well. Advice needed, Perrie!!

Dear More Than Just Tired,

First, I want to validate that your experience makes sense, and you are far from alone in this. So many young adults I talk to share this exact tension: they look “functional” (especially as young adults). Some may even have a habit of pushing through chronic symptoms so they can still participate in regular life, but end up crashing later. This all happens while carrying bone-deep fatigue and the internal battle of managing capacity as an adult. That’s a lot. 

One tool that can really help put language to this is Spoon Theory. If you’re not familiar, it’s a way of describing energy as a limited number of “spoons” you start the day with. Every task (like getting dressed, working, socializing, even thinking through something emotional) costs a spoon. Using this framework with others can sometimes help them visualize what it’s like to balance capacity while living with chronic fatigue. 

So, instead of saying “I’m tired,” you might say: “I only have a certain number of spoons each day, and I have to choose carefully how I use them.” Or “If I spend my energy here, I might not have enough left for something later. I’ve found that language like this can sometimes help ‘normies’ understand that chronic fatigue isn’t about willpower or effort, it’s about capacity. In my personal life, I’ve even set up a system at home so my husband knows my spoons/capacity that day. I’ll write on the whiteboard or text him how many spoons I have, which helps us adjust our schedule accordingly. 

It may also help to pair Spoon Theory with language such as “dynamic disability” and “invisible illness”. Dynamic disability means your abilities are not fixed. Your capacity can shift day to day or even hour to hour, so what feels manageable one day may feel impossible the next. Invisible illness means what you’re experiencing may not be obvious to others. You might look “fine” while your body is working overtime just to function. Together, these terms can help explain why chronic fatigue is so hard for others to see or understand and help to reinforce your limits when discussing your fatigue with others. 

Lastly, it may also be supportive to get concrete about what support actually looks like. People often want to help, but don’t know how, having never lived through cancer or chronic fatigue. You might say something like, “It helps when plans are flexible,” “I may need to cancel at the last minute,” “Offering options instead of expectations makes things easier,” or “Low-energy time together still means a lot to me.” These types of statements set expectations and communicate directly the type of support that feels most helpful for YOU. You might need to practice these statements on your own at first, and that’s okay! I’ve been known to have a mirror conversation or two to help myself practice naming my needs.

All that said, there is a hard truth we can’t avoid when communicating our needs: Even the best explanation won’t make everyone understand.

You can do your best to explain your experience. You can offer tools to understand. You can be vulnerable and honest. But you cannot control whether someone truly gets it. What you can control is how you care for yourself in response. That’s where boundaries come in. That might sound like, “I need to head out early so I don’t overdo it.” “I can’t commit to that right now.” “I need a slower day today.” Try not to over-explain, and try not to apologize for having real limits! Boundary work is often easier said than done, because we then have to sit with someone’s uncomfortable reactions to our boundaries. I recommend checking out Nedra Glover, a licensed therapist and author who discusses boundary-setting extensively, as a tool for support. 

And as a side note, if you do share vulnerably (which is always optional) with someone and take the time to explain your fatigue, your limits, your reality, and they dismiss it, minimize it, or continue to expect more from you than you can give… that’s important information about the relationship. Don’t get me wrong, some people will meet you there. They’ll adjust expectations, move plans around, respect your limits, and truly care about your capacity. They’ll make a real effort to accommodate your needs and still include you. These types of relationships are worth their weight in gold. And still…. others won’t. Part of navigating life after cancer is learning to invest your energy in the relationships that can honor your reality, not fight against it.

There is also something really powerful in your question. I can tell that you are learning how to listen to and honor your body, name your limits, and advocate for yourself in ways most people never have to. This work is hard, but it’s absolutely vital in reconnecting with yourself after an experience like cancer. I’m really proud of you for doing the hard things! 

With you in it,
Perrie 🌵

Ask Perrie is Cactus Cancer Society’s advice column for the questions that young adult cancer doesn’t come with instructions for. Community members submit anonymous questions, and Perrie offers thoughtful guidance, perspective, and practical ideas for navigating life during and after cancer.

SUBMIT YOUR OWN QUESTION