When Your Mind Says Yes And Your Body Says No

Last week I was sick, not cancer-sick, just regular-sick. My symptoms were extreme fatigue and a mildly congested nose and throat. I took the day off from work and lay down in bed after breakfast. I thought, “I’ll just try to sleep for a short while.” I’m a notorious morning person, and though I’m a good napper, I can never sleep more than a half hour or so during the day. I figured I’d lie down for a bit, then get up and do some writing.

I woke up about an hour later, looked at the clock, and thought, “Okay, that was good, maybe I’ll get up now.”

And my body said, “NO!”

So I let myself get pulled back into sleep. I woke up again about an hour later and thought, “Okay, that was great, but I should really get up now.”

And my body said, “NO!”

This kept happening until I’d slept until almost noon, something I hadn’t done even when I was in college. But my body kept demanding it. It was almost audible, the force with which my body objected to my mind. I wanted to get up. I intended to get up. But my body knew that I needed to sleep, and so it insisted.

I don’t usually let my body speak to me like that. I ignore it, telling myself that I need to work more than I need to sleep, that I need to play with my son more than I need to do yoga. But when I was vulnerable, I had to let my body tell me what to do, and it reminded me that I need to listen to what my body wants. I have to check in often and try to give it what it needs: better food, sleep, a walk outside. I like to think that my mind is “me,” but my body is also “me,” and I can’t just override that whenever I want to.  Sometimes you just need to trust your body.

I’m not someone who believes that diet, exercise and sleep can prevent or cure illness entirely. I was only thirteen when I got cancer, and I was a very healthy, growing girl at that point. But for those of us who are ill, and for those of us who have been so, our biggest concern is prevention: preventing it from getting worse, preventing it from happening again. Our body knows more about that than our minds do. Our bodies know how to heal themselves, how to crave the things we need, and how to signal to us that we need to sleep. We need to listen to them, even when other voices- those of our bosses, family members, society- seem louder.

Trust your body to say “no,” even when you want to say “yes.”

Indestructible

I still remember the day my boyfriend told me he was Superman.

I was lying on the floor of my high school bedroom, my phone clutched in my hand. We were talking about his upcoming varsity soccer game; the opposing team played rough, and he played goalie. I asked him if he was worried about getting injured, and he laughed. “I’m indestructible,” he said. He didn’t sound like he was joking.

“Indestructible? But what if you broke something?”

“I’d heal.”

I plunged further. “And what if you got sick? Like, really sick?”

“I could fight it off. I’m strong, I’m healthy. No disease is going to get me!”

For a moment, I couldn’t speak. He definitely wasn’t joking, I could tell. He really believed that, at seventeen, he was Superman. And he believed it despite the fact that his girlfriend had been living with cancer for the past three years. Did he think I was somehow weaker than he? Did he think my body just wasn’t strong enough to fight off disease? If he was Superman, and I had a debilitating illness, then what was I?

It was that moment that I realized why I was different, not just from my boyfriend, but from all my peers. It wasn’t just that I missed school for treatments, that I was an expert at blood draws, that a vital part of my body had been removed. I was different because other seventeen-year-olds thought, in the ignorance of youth, that they would live forever. And I knew they were wrong.

For a long time, all I had wanted was to be normal again; to fit in with my friends who had no bigger worries than passing a test or finding a dress for Homecoming. But once I realized this vital difference between me and them, I no longer wanted it quite so much. I understood something they didn’t, and their ignorance, though blissful, would not be as helpful to them as my knowledge.

I learned at a young age that life was short. I knew there was no sense in wasting time, and it was important to figure out how I could live my best, happiest, most fulfilling life. I understood that I needed to love with my whole heart, focus on my passions, get rid of poisonous people and unnecessary things, not in the future, but right now. As a result, I think I got more of a head start on my adult life than my peers did. Maybe I never got the chance to feel indestructible. Maybe it would have been fun, for a short while, to be the Supergirl to my Superman. But the perspective I got from my cancer experience became its own superpower. 

I’ll take that superpower over invincibility any day.

Did you feel indestructible in your youth?  Has that changed with your cancer diagnosis or illness?

Why And How To Start Journaling

“Journal writing is a voyage to the interior.” -Christina Baldwin

Journaling is a mysterious hobby. I’ve been keeping a journal for years, but I’ve only discussed it with a handful of people- it just doesn’t come up in conversation that often. When someone does discover that I journal, though, they are invariably intrigued. I am asked, “How do you do it?” “When do you find time?” and “Do you have any tips?” However, it’s the unspoken question: “WHY do you keep a journal?” that’s the most meaningful of all.

In the interest of shedding some light on a secretive habit, and hopefully inspiring some of you to give it a try, here are my answers to those questions…

How to start journaling

First, figure out your preferred medium (how you write best). When I started my journals as a teenager, I used big sketchpads and bold markers. (I was inspired by the work of the artist/writer Sark.) I have about 15 of these journals, and I’ve managed to keep them safe and private throughout several location changes. They are a storage issue, though, so I’m grateful that I’m now more comfortable writing on my laptop. I keep a word document called “journal” (original, I know; if you don’t trust your housemates not to snoop, call it “alfalfa pie recipe” or something as unappealing) and start a new file every year.

How to create a journal entry

I like to start with a day/date heading, so that if I choose to look back on previous entries, I can orient myself easily. Other people prefer writing blog-post style, or simply picking up where they left off the day before. It’s your choice.

The biggest potential roadblock to journaling is the dreaded “blank page” syndrome, where you’re sitting there having no idea how to start. You can solve that problem by starting the same way every time, either with a journal prompt (the same one every day, or a variety- Lacuna Loft can help with this); a list, a la Bridget Jones’s Diary; or by cataloging what you did that day. I take the last option, and I’ve never once had to sit and watch the cursor blink. Generally, starting with what I did becomes how I felt about what I did, which leads into deeper topics. If it doesn’t, well, at least I wrote something.

When to journal

This is entirely up to you, of course, but from personal experience I strongly recommend writing every day. Once you skip a day or two, it becomes a lot harder to reestablish the habit. It also helps to write at the same time every day. I like to journal first thing in the morning.

And now the big question:

Why keep a journal?

This is a personal question, and everyone will have a different answer. I don’t mind sharing my reasons, in the hopes that one or more will resonate with you.

1. It keeps me feeling positive and grateful. Like most people, I tend to focus on the negative things that happen to me. Writing about my life gives me instant perspective on my problems. It helps me to remember that when my doctor called with questionable test results, my husband stood there and massaged my shoulders, then offered to get me frozen yogurt. Telling the story of that moment brings the positive memories into greater focus.

2. It helps me release feelings I didn’t know I had. Throughout my teens and twenties, I had a lot of trouble getting in touch with my own feelings. I would act out by overeating or fighting with family, and I would know I was unhappy, but I honestly didn’t know why. Journaling helped put an end to that phase in my life, by giving me time and space to talk about my feelings to the one person who really needed to understand them (me).

3. It’s a great warm-up to the other writing I do. I’m also a musician, and I’m a big believer in a daily warm-up that sets the tone for the practicing my students and I do each day. The same goes for writing. Once I’ve journaled, I feel much more ready to dive into the bigger projects I have scheduled.

4. It documents my memories. I often return to journal entries from meaningful times in my life, such as when my son was born, to remind me what really happened and how I felt about it. It’s also a great resource if my husband and I disagree about when something happened- I can just look it up!

5. Maybe my journals will be a memoir one day. Hey, it could happen!

Best of luck with your journal habit! If you’d like to talk more about journaling, I’d love to hear from you. Please email me at leannesowul@gmail.com, or visit my website, leannesowul.com.

How To Keep Your Sense Of Humor

“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”

-Bill Cosby

It is the rare person who can hang on to her sense of humor while living with illness or while caregiving. It’s not for lack of trying; it’s just that we wind up sacrificing humor for other things we need more: pride, dignity, a sense of control. But laughter really is the best medicine, because it can make more bitter medicines easier to swallow. Here are five ways to keep your sense of humor during difficult times.

1. Partner With A “Tigger.”

In her book Happier at Home, Gretchen Rubin writes about the Eeyore-Tigger relationship: when one person speaks and acts gloomily, the other instinctively reacts by trying to cheer him up. Most people are the Eeyore in some of their relationships, and the Tigger in others (though some people simply tend one way or the other). When you’re living with long-term illness, it’s almost impossible not to be the Eeyore at least some of the time; it’s natural and understandable. But it doesn’t have to be your permanent state of being if you find a Tigger to partner with.

I’ve been lucky enough to have two “Tigger partners” when I needed them most. My best friend from high school got me through long hospital days by cracking one-liners, playing dirty mad libs, and one memorable time, making out with a balloon (until the nurse walked in and caught her). Nowadays, as I deal with sick family members and my own occasional “cancer returning” scare, my husband takes on the role. From inappropriately dark jokes, to puns, to prodding me not to take myself so seriously, my husband keeps my spirit going.

2. Monitor Your Media.

This is not the time to binge-watch hospital or prison dramas, or read dark fiction designed to provoke moral dilemmas. Put yourself on a diet of funny, and vary it by delving into different types of humor, from I Love Lucy to old SNL-cast movies, to raunchy contemporary comedies. Read memoirs by Tina Fey and Ellen DeGeneres, and lighthearted YA or romance novels that you know will end happily. If your body becomes what you eat, your brain becomes what you read and watch.

3. Take A Cue From A Child.

No one knows how to let loose and find the light in life better than a child. If you don’t have one, borrow one. Set the kid in an environment made for play and exploration, and then, no matter how silly or embarrassing, follow his lead. If she wants to crawl through tunnels and slide down slides, do it. If he smears ice cream all over his face, do that too. It won’t take long before you find your fun-loving inner child. (If you’re unable to physically do what the child does, that’s fine, too- just watch and live vicariously.)

4. Fake It Till You Make It. 

Laugh. Right now. Just laugh. It’ll start out fake, but eventually it’ll turn real. Laughter is contagious, and you can infect yourself. Once you’ve found how well it works, plan it into your day. Make a “laugh break” whenever you need it most. Schedule it on your calendar as “LOL” and then really laugh out loud.

5. Make A Humor Habit.

Add bits of humor into your everyday life. If you find a page online that consistently makes you laugh, whether it’s LOLCat or Damn You AutoCorrect, make it your home page. If you like a particular comic in the Sunday paper, cut it out and stick it on the fridge. If you always laugh and relax with a certain friend, ask her to call or email you on a regular basis. There are plenty of small ways to add humor into your day; little rays of sunshine that can add up to serious day-brightening.

What are some other ways to keep your sense of humor during difficult times? Feel free to comment and share! 

Welcome Leanne! – No Longer One In A Million!

Lacuna Loft is excited to continue introducing some guest bloggers!  These great folks represent a variety of perspectives on the myriad of topics covered here at Lacuna Loft.  Before everyone starts really getting into the nitty-gritty of all they have to say, we wanted to introduce them a bit.  Without further ado, here is Leanne!

—

“You’re literally one in a million.” That was what my doctors told me, when I was diagnosed with papillary thyroid cancer at age thirteen. My terrible odds were due to several factors: my young age; the aggressiveness of the cancer; the relatively low rate of thyroid cancer at the time (though it’s now one of the few cancers on the rise in the United States). I liked to think “one in a million” also referred to my amazing personality, but my family was good at dispelling any ego I might have had over that!

I fought for four years, through multiple surgeries, radioactive iodine treatments (a treatment unique to thyroid cancer) and the process of stabilizing my thyroid hormone dosage. At seventeen, I was given a clean bill of health, and I’m happy to say I’ve been cancer-free for fifteen years, though there has been the occasional lymph node scare, and the fluctuation of thyroid medication is never-ending.

Since I was a teenager when all of this happened, I didn’t process the experience as well as I might have done as an adult. I’ve spent the last several years thinking and feeling through it all, and one of the things I’ve learned is that I don’t want to be “one in a million” in any sense. Those odds are much too isolating; I want to be part of the cancer fighter and survivor community. I’m excited to be here at Lacuna Loft, where I can get to know the amazing “cancer club” here, as well as members of other long-term illness “clubs.”

Speaking of other long-term illness, my life has recently been touched by chronic Lyme disease, which my sister and mother have both battled over the past few years. In addition, my best friend, the one who sat at my bedside after every surgery, contracted breast cancer last year. Long-term illness is a big part of my and my family’s lives, a fact I’ve accepted but not necessarily embraced.

One thing I’ve learned is that I can process all of these life challenges through writing. I have my own blog, Words From the Sowul, where I think deep and search for meaning in life (some might say “philosophize”) from a cancer survivor’s perspective. I’m also currently writing a book about living life with a cancer survivor’s/fighter’s perspective, which Mallory (Lacuna Loft’s proprietress) has graciously agreed to be a part of. If any other cancer survivors are interested in sharing stories of positive life gains associated with cancer, please contact me at leannesowul@gmail.com.

Thank you for welcoming me into the Lacuna Loft community! I look forward to getting to know you all!