Book Club: Rising Strong, Chapter 1

young adult cancer book club

Welcome to the comments and discussion of Chapter 1: The Physics of Vulnerability of the book, Rising Strong by Brené Brown!  A big shout out to Random House for donating all of our books this time around!

Let’s get started!  Chapter 1!

Marnie:

Introduction: Truth and Dare
The introduction actually resonated with me before I even made it to the first page of Chapter One.

Brené says “On a cultural level, I think the absence of honest conversation about the hard work that takes us from lying facedown in the arena to rising strong has led to two dangerous outcomes: the propensity to gold-plate grit and a badassery deficit.”

She describes “gold-plating grit” as the tendency to sanitize our stories of falling into something uplifting and redemptive, while glossing over the painful details and emotional consequences. I feel this happens more often than not when we speak of our cancer experiences. We summarize and move quickly to a more positive ending, leaving out the ugly bits – fear, pain, anguish, heartbreak, weakness, grief, devastation, and more. I believe we do this for multiple reasons – the first of which is sparing ourselves the pain of reliving the hurt again, especially if the experience is still fresh or ongoing. It is also very difficult for us to admit vulnerability, often describing it as weakness in ourselves or our character, so we definitely don’t want to voluntarily share it with others. As Brene suggests, we feel too much shame to let others see the intimate process of overcoming hurt. I think we also do this to spare our loved ones from their own pain of having to watch (often helplessly) while we struggle and fall.

I did this myself with my first cancer diagnosis – I was the queen of gold-plating grit. At first I didn’t want to talk about any of it at all and when I finally did, I would move quickly through to end on a high note, skipping all the difficult parts in between. I was finally able to admit something horrible was happening to me, but was not acknowledging the emotional consequences. This felt wrong to me and kept me from rising up and moving on. As Brene says, if we do not acknowledge the real hurt and fear, if we strip the emotional consequences, we remove the qualities that make grit and resilience important – toughness, tenacity, perseverance, knowledge, courage.

Brené also mentions a “badassery deficit”, which I think goes hand in hand with gold-plating grit. Cancer fighters and survivors are often called badass (or kickass, warrior, inspiration, brave, courageous, etc.). But so many of us shun those adjectives and push back, feeling we don’t deserve or haven’t earned those descriptions. I think this happens often when we have been gold-plating grit and are not being honest about our experience with cancer. I agree wholeheartedly with Brene that people standing fully in their own truth despite discomfort and vulnerability are true badasses. I wish more cancer survivors were able to see this about themselves, to see admitting vulnerability and being honest about the difficulties encountered does not make us weak. It is the opposite – a true measure of our strength and courage.

Chapter 1: The Physics of Vulnerability
This chapter discusses Brené’s “rules of engagement for rising strong”. These ten truths are fundamental for being able to get back up after falling or failing. I found myself nodding agreement to just about every word here, but a few sections stood out for me.

I want to be in the arena. I didn’t realize this at first when I was diagnosed with cancer, but it quickly became evident. I couldn’t just sit back and let these awful things happen to me, even when I thought I wanted to or didn’t think I had the energy or strength. I did want to get up, time and time again after being knocked on my ass and kicked while I was down there. I want to be brave. And honest. And open. With myself and those around me.

A lot of cheap seats in the arena are filled with people who never venture onto the floor. This paragraph was more about criticism, cruelty, or other negative feedback, but as a cancer survivor it meant something different to me. As I read this, I was remembering all the times I was told what I “should have” done or how things would be or what I could do to “fix” something, all by people who had no idea what I was going through. This is a good cancer, an easy one. This is nothing to worry about. You’ll be fine. If only you had eaten better before (or did eat better now). You should drink juice and take vitamins. You just need to exercise. I still get worked up when people say these things, whether to me or others (ok…admittedly quite often more than “worked up”). I dare greatly and share my story as often as I can, so I can help others to understand what being in the arena is like.

Once we fall in the service of being brave, we can never go back. Oof…big one. Every cancer survivor I have ever met has, at one time or another, wanted desperately to go back to where they were before the diagnosis. Yet part of being in the arena and rising strong is to realize the place “before” no longer exists…there is no ”back to normal”. This can be a difficult, often devastating realization, something which yet again shoves us to the ground in the arena. But as Brene says, this awareness can also ignite our sense of purpose and our commitment to daring greatly. Walking the line between wanting to go back and moving forward is a fundamental piece of rising strong.

The journey belongs to no one but you; however, no one successfully goes it alone. This was another big one for me. This was a huge hurdle when I was first diagnosed (and continues to be, if I am honest). I saw the diagnosis and resulting emotions as some sort of failure on my part, a weakness or character flaw. The last thing I wanted was to admit I was vulnerable and needed help. But cancer doesn’t really care what we want and I soon found myself at a point where I literally could not get through my daily life without help from others. I was ashamed of needing to ask for help and felt as if those around me would think less of me if I did ask. This was one of the biggest, most important and life-changing lessons I have ever learned…that we all need connection and we all need help at some point in our lives. And asking for help, admitting vulnerability, is not only a strength but can also be a gift to those you seek help from, who have likely been feeling powerless and wondering what they can do to ease your suffering.

Comparative suffering is a function of fear and scarcity. Right after my diagnosis, people would say things to me about how their lives or their trials were nothing compared to mine (this still happens, actually). I always respond by saying something about each of us carrying our own burdens, which cannot be compared. However, I found myself doing the exact same thing when I first started attending support groups or talking to other survivors. You had brain cancer? Well, mine was just breast, no big deal. You had a double mastectomy and four reconstruction surgeries? I only had a lumpectomy. You had 20 rounds of super harsh chemo? I did four of the easy kind. I was dismissing my own experiences, minimizing the hell I was living in. This was a harsh wake-up call for me, to realize our experiences are a matter of perspective and we need to honor our own struggles, no matter what they are.

Courage is contagious. Brené says “rising strong changes not just you, but also the people around you…your experience can profoundly affect the people around you whether you’re aware of it or not.” This has been a large part of my own truth, my own path toward authenticity. I will share my story (or parts of it) with anyone who wants to listen. If one tiny part of my experience can help another person, it is worth every moment and helps us both rise strong. Even if I am not sharing my story out loud, I can still make a difference for others by standing in my own truth and demonstrating how someone can rise strong.

 

Thanks for joining us for our Chapter 1: The Physics of Vulnerability of Rising Strong!  Join in next Monday for Chapter 2: Civilization Stops at the Waterline and in the meantime, learn more about the book club commentators!

If you’re just joining us, here are some logistics:

We will talk about a chapter each Monday until the book is done.  Then, we’ll use one more Monday to talk about general feelings from the book and anything else you’d like to discuss.  Join in, in the comments every week!  At the end, we’ll have a book club discussion via video chat!  Also, there will probably be spoilers.  Read along with us!

How are you enjoying our young adult cancer book club?

Book Club: Rising Strong, Commentators

Lacuna Loft book club

Meet the wonderful volunteers who are offering their comments and discussions of the book, Rising Strong by Brené Brown!  You’ll hear from an assortment of them each week, learning how they respond to each chapter of the book!  We’ll be updating this list as you hear from each of the commentators.

marnie-photo

My name is Marnie and I am a survivor of two cancers. I was diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma (breast cancer) in 2012 and papillary thyroid cancer in 2015. I also live with chronic pain and chronic fatigue syndrome related to the treatments received for those diagnoses.

That initial cancer diagnosis brought me to my knees. It paralyzed me with anger and fear and destroyed my strength, confidence, and self worth. I existed in a haze, trying to figure out what “normal” was supposed to be and questioning whether I would ever get there again. Though devastating, that diagnosis also prompted me to realize life is fleeting and uncontrollable and should be lived with excitement and joy. It led me to discover my inner strength and determination to get up and move forward. It reminds me to be grateful for every new day.

I have found amazing support and connection in the young adult survivor community, which continues to help me through the ups and downs of being a cancer survivor. Because of that support and connection, I am vocal about sharing my story and fiercely passionate about helping others navigate their cancer experiences and advocate for their own wellness.

If I had a life motto, it would be “I cannot be stopped…the universe isn’t done with me yet”. I am just getting started.

 

Interested in joining the chorus?  Email info@lacunaloft.org to add your voice to the book club!

If you’re just joining us, here are some logistics:

We will talk about a chapter each Monday until the book is done.  Then, we’ll use one more Monday to talk about general feelings from the book and anything else you’d like to discuss.  Join in, in the comments every week!  At the end, we’ll have a book club discussion via video chat!  Also, there will probably be spoilers.  Read along with us!

How are you enjoying our young adult cancer book club?

Have A Spirited Weekend

The book club starts next week, the writing group started this week, and so much fun is right around the corner!

Here are some spirited weekend links from around the interwebs…

[list type=”like”]
[list_item]our young adult cancer book club starts next week![/list_item]
[list_item]a victory for the Women Air Force Service Pilots[/list_item]
[list_item]understanding how Hillary Clinton would govern[/list_item]
[list_item]how to help someone with depression[/list_item]
[list_item]learn how Lacuna Loft is unique[/list_item]
[list_item]how to coach your brain to stop being angry[/list_item]
[list_item]interested in teaching a creative workshop at Lacuna Loft? Email us! info@lacunaloft.org[/list_item]
[/list]

Have a spirited weekend Lacuna Lofties!

Have A Sunny Weekend

Who doesn’t love a 4 day work week, right?!  We’ve been busy over here at Lacuna Loft and are ready for a weekend!  What are you up to?

Here are some sunny weekend links from around the interwebs…

[list type=”like”]
[list_item]a too much socialization hangover[/list_item]
[list_item]survivor guilt[/list_item]
[list_item]going to the barber shop after cancer[/list_item]
[list_item]how dogs see with their noses[/list_item]
[list_item]a one-gal-band Justin Bieber cover[/list_item]
[list_item]spatter vs splatter[/list_item]
[list_item]a mock Mars mission and what they studied[/list_item]
[/list]

Have a sunny weekend Lacuna Lofties!

Have A Contented Weekend

This week, all of our links are meant to help you become more involved with Lacuna Loft!  Whether you’re interested in joining a program, connecting with us on social, or volunteering, there are so many different options to become a part of the Lacuna Loft team!  Don’t be shy, join us!

Here are some contented weekend links from around the interwebs…

[list type=”like”]
[list_item]join our fall writing group![/list_item]
[list_item]volunteer with Lacuna Loft![/list_item]
[list_item]connect with us on instagram![/list_item]
[list_item]join round 3 of our book club![/list_item]
[list_item]connet with us on facebook![/list_item]
[list_item]want to lead a creative workshop? Contact us![/list_item]
[list_item]share your stories with us![/list_item]
[/list]

Have a contented weekend Lacuna Lofties!  We’ll see you back after the Monday holiday!

Have A Cheerful Weekend

cancer related links

This week we are specializing in some wonderful, cancer related links.  You’ll find personal stories about coaching, saying goodbye, dating, and more.  Plus, a recipe that looks super scrumptious just for fun!

Here are some cheerful weekend links from around the interwebs…

[list type=”like”]
[list_item]german apple pancake[/list_item]
[list_item]volunteer with Lacuna Loft![/list_item]
[list_item]cancer changes everything[/list_item]
[list_item]saying goodbye[/list_item]
[list_item]coaching cancer[/list_item]
[list_item]cancer and the single woman[/list_item]
[list_item]the battle we didn’t choose[/list_item]
[/list]

Have a cheerful weekend Lacuna Lofties!

Don’t Apologize For Having Fun

chronic illness after cancer

I recently ran across this article, written by a young woman who suffers from chronic illness.  Many young adult cancer survivors are left with lasting side effects from their cancer and the treatments involved, including chronic illnesses.  Hiding behind a veil of sickness can sometimes seem easier than attempting to live a full and happy life though, as people start to ask questions when “so many” “carefree” photos of you show up on social media.  How is it, in a time when everyone and their mother is on social media posting the happiest photos of their days, we can still forget that there is more to life?  There is pain, and sadness, and loneliness, and worry that we often hide from the world of social media.

“Someone’s ignorance and unkind judgments had made me feel guilty about enjoying my life to the best of my ability…”

Check out the full article here.  It is a wonderful read.

Have A Happy Weekend

The book club choice has been announced, the open write night is next week, and a creative workshop will be announced next week too! (spoilers!!!)  So much is happening!

Here are some happy weekend links from around the interwebs…

[list type=”like”]
[list_item]cherry clafoutis[/list_item]
[list_item]volunteer with Lacuna Loft![/list_item]
[list_item]Sigur Rós Disney style[/list_item]
[list_item]25 reasons why dogs are the best[/list_item]
[list_item]NASA 3D satellite images just released[/list_item]
[list_item]how to start exercising[/list_item]
[list_item]how the camera adds 10 lbs[/list_item]
[/list]

Have a happy weekend Lacuna Lofties!

A First Timer’s Go At Meditation

guided meditation

I’ve been told again and again that meditation is great.  I’ve attended a talk by the wonderfully gifted founder of True North Treks where he explained exactly how accessible meditation is and how awesome its health benefits are.  I even downloaded this app a few months ago.  Then I moved to a new place where I knew almost no one and tried my best to help my family adjust to a new part of the country and a new way of life.  Carving out a few minutes of each day to be mindful and meditate seemed easy enough but I never actually acted on it.

I finally decided that I needed to make a new and positive change.  I realized that I was almost always tense in this new place.  I stayed at home more often than not because staying there with my two pups felt most familiar.  Even at my new home, I felt anxious, distracted, and searching for even more distraction.  So far, I hadn’t been able to just sit and feel calm and relaxed in my new environment.  Something needed to shift.  Small hiccups in my day would produce tears.  One small unwanted change in the flow of my day and my entire sense of personal stability would be derailed.

Enter Headspace.  Thanks to their Get Some / Give Some program, Lacuna Loft has been given free subscriptions to their guided meditations that we’re giving to young adult cancer survivors or caregivers that you can access from your computer or smart phone.  (If you want one and you’re a young adult cancer survivor or caregiver, go here!)

My first 10 days of meditating were life changing…  10 minutes of calm and focus and breathing makes a world of difference in my day.  Then I moved onto the next 10, and the next.

Simple enough right!  Start with 10 minutes, for 10 days.  Then you can use your free subscription to move onto the other great, guided meditation sessions Headspace provides.

Let us know how meditating works for you!

Young Adult Cancer Book Club Round 3 Starts September 19th!

young adult cancer book club

The Lacuna Loft Young Adult Cancer Book Club is starting Monday, September 19th!  The book, as chosen by you, is……Rising Strong by Brené Brown!!!

It was definitely a close call between two of the choices but Rising Strong ultimately won.  I’ve been keeping track of some last minute suggestions for what books we might read in our 4th round of the book club too!  Lacuna Loft is offering a free book to 20 young adult cancer survivors or caregivers.  To get your free book, email info@lacunaloft.org with your name, mailing address, and a little bit about yourself.

I am super excited for the book club to be starting its 3rd round.  Round 1 and Round 2 were a huge success and I expect nothing less from Round 3!  Each week, young adult cancer survivors and caregivers will share comments on the book, as well as personal thoughts and stories.  After we’ve completed the book, we’ll have a video chat where people can talk with one another about the book and life in general.

There are several ways for you to be involved in the book club.

  1.  Read the book along with us and check out the Young Adult Voices blog each Monday for the next book chapter’s installment!
  2. If you get behind, check out this page for all of the posts for Round 3 of the book club.
  3. If you’d like to contribute your comments about a chapter, email info@lacunaloft.org at least a few days ahead of the Monday when that chapter will be discussed, with your comments and a short bio of yourself.

Lacuna Loft is offering a free book to 20 young adult cancer survivors or caregivers.  To get your free book, email info@lacunaloft.org with your name, mailing address, and a little bit about yourself.

If you’d prefer to order yourself a book, you can find it listed on Amazon here…(remember to order using Amazon Smile and choose to support Lacuna Loft!)

Here are some logistics:

We will talk about a chapter each Monday until the book is done.  If Monday happens to be a holiday, then the post will publish on Tuesday.  Once we finish the book, we’ll use one more Monday to talk about general feelings from the book and anything else you’d like to discuss.  Plus, this time around we’ll have a video chat book club discussion at the end too!  Join in, in the comments every week!  Also, there will probably be spoilers so read along with us!

Excited about the young adult cancer book club?  Have any suggestions for future reads?  Let us know!