Welcome to the comments and discussion of the Young Adult Cancer Book Club!  We are reading Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved by Kate Bowler.  Catch up on Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, and Chapter 7.

Let’s get started!

Chapter 8: Restoration

Commentary by Sarah H.:

I feel that I have had so many moments in the book where I have related to what Kate was saying. One that really stood out was in chapter 8 when she is talking to her mother in law and says “I think aging is a fucking privilege.” I find myself saying and thinking this a lot more since diagnosis. I cringe when I hear people complaining about new grey hairs or comparing what anti aging new thing they are trying. I feel we live in a society that is so afraid to get old, but none of them take a step back to look at the alternative. I find myself often telling people “getting old is my big goal in life and I am working really hard to achieve it.” I have had friends tell me that this perspective has made them take a step back and really think. A friend decided to grow her hair out and see what it looks like naturally. She has a clump of white right near the front that looks beautiful. She tells people “it is my badge of honor to show people what I have been through and what others don’t get to experience.” It sucks that it takes a serious diagnosis like cancer to get people to step back and think, but I will use my diagnosis to change others views.

 

Join in next Monday for the comments and discussion on Chapter 9: Ordinary Time!

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Thanks for joining us for Chapter 8: Restoration of  Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved by Kate Bowler!  Join in next Monday for the next chapter!

We will talk about a few chapters each Monday until the book is done.  If Monday happens to be a holiday, then the post will publish on Tuesday.  Once we finish the book, we’ll use one more Monday to talk about general feelings from the book and anything else you’d like to discuss.  We’ll also have a video chat book club discussion at the end!  Join in, in the comments every week!  Also, there will probably be spoilers so read along with us!

Excited about the young adult cancer book club?  Have any suggestions for future reads?  Let us know!

Welcome to the comments and discussion of the Young Adult Cancer Book Club!  We are reading Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved by Kate Bowler.  Catch up on Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, and Chapter 6.

Let’s get started!

Chapter 7: Certainty

Commentary by Mary Clare B.:

“The horror of cancer has made everything seem like it is painted in bright colors. I think the same thoughts again and again: Life is so beautiful. Life is so hard.”

The chapter Certainty is overflowing with moments of joy meeting the madness of rationalizing death and dying. Kate is in treatment and is spending her time writing about her experience and on a whim submits a piece to the NY Times and is published. Her work is seen and reacted to my many readers with divergent perspectives on her role as a cancer patient. Those that write to her are often sharp with their words and come with a message. She neatly places them in three camps: The Teachers, The Minimize-rs and the Solutions People. The Teachers are looking for a lesson in her suffering, the Minimizers are comparing her suffering to those in far worse circumstance, and lastly, the Solutions People are prescribing positively at shrill volumes. But there are the scant few letters she receives which don’t fall neatly into a box– often people sharing their own experiences with cancer or life-changing events. These people simply wish her well and bring the comfort that our struggle is universal.

At this point in the book, I was hungry for reflection and to have the narrative slow down. I struggled with this book because I am not particularly interested in the prosperity gospel. The writing style is lacking something I cannot easily put my finger on but it comes down to rushed prose and a lack of depth. To be completely honest, I am also wildly jealous of her large family and seemingly never-ending supply of friends and colleagues at her side. This chapter changed some of that for me and I was fascinated by her depictions of the letter writers and her feelings of floating on gratitude and joy. I remember so well those days of feeling so cared for, loved and if this was the end, then okay.

Commentary by Jessica B.:

This chapter focused on Kate’s life as she started going through treatment. This is when first writes about her cancer experience for the New York Times and faces a flurry of responses from the public, some seemingly helpful, but others, not so much. It doesn’t really benefit anyone to hear how someone else’s life went so much better than their own. From these responses, Kate finds 3 life lessons that people seem to be trying to teach her.

The first lesson comes from a group of people she dubs the “Minimizers”. These people seem to want to teach the lesson that she shouldn’t be upset about her diagnosis because the significance of death is relative. They think she shouldn’t worry so much about the end of her life because there is a larger picture that is more important. I can’t say I ever personally encountered anyone who tried to react in this manner, but I also didn’t write an article about my cancer that was published in the New York Times.

The second lesson comes from a group of people dubbed the “Teachers” who want to teach the lesson that this experience is supposed to be an education in mind, body, and spirit. They think, somehow, she’s supposed to end up learning from this experience, when really all she wants is a straightforward response about how much this all sucks. I also didn’t really encounter anyone who expected me to learn any great life lessons from having cancer or to have any great revelations from the experience.

The last group of people is dubbed the “Solutions People”. These people seem disappointed that Kate isn’t saving herself. They talk about how attitude is all she needs to make it all better. While I don’t necessarily agree with this 100%, I do think it helps to have a positive attitude. If you just give up, then even if your time is limited, you won’t be able to make the most of it.

It certainly makes sense that none of these “life lessons” are particularly helpful, but even while she was being flooded with unhelpful letters from strangers, Kate felt like she was floating on all of the love and prayers of the people around her. All of the advice she was receiving was nowhere near as helpful as just having the people she cared about around her as she went through treatment. I think that’s probably true for a lot of people. A cancer diagnosis has the ability to either bring out the best or the worst in people. Sometimes support comes from unexpected places. I received messages of support from high school classmates that I hadn’t seen in almost 15 years. My coworkers at a job I had only had for 2 months when I got my diagnosis were quick to jump in with offers of rides to treatment and grocery shopping trips when I needed them. They even organized a meal train when I wasn’t expecting it. All of the different types of people may think they know best, but really, when it comes down to it, sometimes just being there to show support makes all the difference.

Commentary by Krista L.:

I think after a cancer diagnosis everyone experiences the well-meaning neighbor, friend, or even health provider who makes some sort of statement close to, “everything happens for a reason.” Even if it’s something I believe, I don’t think it’s something others should tell me. Even if they don’t know what else to say. Kate’s husband answers this head on with the great line of, “I’d love to hear it…the reason my wife is dying…” And for that, I loved Chapter 7.

I think it also hits the nail on the head about a few things, but even generally speaking, once I was diagnosed with cancer, I started getting lots of different comments like these. Not to the extent Kate does, but I think she talks very well about the things that people said and wrote that helped her and the things that did not. Also, it sheds some light on something that I have had a hard time putting a finger one. Once I was diagnosed and started telling people, I felt like I was thrust onto this stage where people were giving me lots of advice and stories to make me feel better, and then watching my every move to see what I did with it. It’s a strange feeling and I think Kate does a good job of explaining why these advisors and stories didn’t necessarily help her personally. “My problems can’t be solved by those formulas-those cliches-when my life was never generic to begin with. God may be universal, but I am not.”

Join in next Monday for the comments and discussion on Chapter 8: Restoration!

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Thanks for joining us for Chapter 7: Certainty of  Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved by Kate Bowler!  Join in next Monday for the next chapter!

We will talk about a few chapters each Monday until the book is done.  If Monday happens to be a holiday, then the post will publish on Tuesday.  Once we finish the book, we’ll use one more Monday to talk about general feelings from the book and anything else you’d like to discuss.  We’ll also have a video chat book club discussion at the end!  Join in, in the comments every week!  Also, there will probably be spoilers so read along with us!

Excited about the young adult cancer book club?  Have any suggestions for future reads?  Let us know!

Welcome to the comments and discussion of the Young Adult Cancer Book Club!  We are reading Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved by Kate Bowler.  Catch up on Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, and Chapter 5.

Let’s get started!

Chapter 6: Christmas Cheer

Commentary by Yolanda M.:

This chapter opens up with Kate talking about how much her family loves Christmas which. She discussed how this Christmas she was looking for a miracle in regards to her colon cancer. As they were setting a course for her treatment, waiting for test results to see what kind of cancer cells they were dealing with, she finds out she has “Magic Cancer” and qualifies for a clinical trial. She starts everything in motion but soon finds out that her insurance wont cover the clinical trial and the cost is far more than she can afford. It is here she is faced with a tough decision, does she take money from her parents which is their savings and retirement? She doesn’t want to bankrupt her family all to save her life.

Kate remembers back to her Christmas services back in Canada and she fondly remembers her old Sunday School teacher Carol who shares that she has cancer. Carol’s faith spoke of knowing God better through her battle with cancer. Once Kate set up her own home with the trimmings of Christmas, its then she realizes that she doesn’t just want to know God better, but she she also wants to save her family.

In a desperate attempt to get into the clinical trial Kate contacts 2 professors she knows connected to the hospital, telling them she has been turned down by insurance and she is grasping for straws. Within 24 hours, Kate receives emails from far and wide stating that she will no longer have any issues with insurance coverage, her family is spared and her life may be saved!

With her insurance issues out of the way, Kate moves forward with seeing if she qualifies for the clinical trial. After she completes the initial tests, she starts to think about the phrase she shouted to her father out of frustration “I am not a normal person!” She questions if who she portrays to be on social media is who she really is – the person who thinks she can save herself. As she goes through chemo she despises her body and hair yet she posts on Facebook pretty selfies and nicknames her chemo pack “Jimmy” all in hopes to hide the ugliness of chemo. She didn’t want to be seen as just another cancer patient.

Commentary by Sharon L.:

Christmas is coming and Kate is awaiting some Christmas cheer. Here she is, having spoken with the palliative care doctor and received the news that she can either maybe live, die almost immediately, or have a magic cancer. The magic cancer means that she may qualify for a clinical trial. So now the Christmas cheer that Kate awaits is the news of which type of cancer cells she has.

Fortunately, she has the magic cancer, but then she receives the bad news that her insurance does not cover it and it will cost $100,000 to begin the trial. Her father, who will do anything for his daughter, tells her that they have the money. In all honesty, her family has agreed to liquidate their assets, which would leave them in a bind. Kate, not able to live with herself if they did that, turns to her colleagues, who, with their connections are able to get her in the trial.

So, Kate and her father drive down to Atlanta for the initial testing to see if she qualifies for the clinical trial. The chapter ends with Kate having her father take a picture of her at the sign for the cancer clinic as they leave, so that when she gets in the trial people can see her in the moment. It was a good thing that he did take that photo because she does qualify for the clinical trial.

This chapter was very difficult for me to read because the second time I was diagnosed it was November and I had to wait two weeks for the hospital to decide what type of cancer I had and what kind of treatment I would need. Since this was the second time I had cancer, I already felt guilty because my family had spent so much money on me and we couldn’t take vacations and I couldn’t do anything about it. But, my father was always there for me, taking me back and forth to appointments and treatments, trying to make me laugh.
I really think that there is some truth to that sign in the cancer clinic at Emory that said Laughter is the Best Medicine.

Commentary by Juliette K.:

In this chapter, Kate is praying for a Christmas miracle. She’s hoping for a diagnosis that she has a 3% chance of, that will allow her into clinical trials. She gets the “magic cancer” diagnosis she hoped for, then she can’t cover the cost of the trials. Her insurance won’t cover it and she doesn’t want to bankrupt her family so she calls some friends at the university and they pull some strings to get her treatment funded.

She talks humorously about her unending false positivity and she is beginning to realize that it’s not serving her.

Join in next Monday for the comments and discussion on Chapter 7: Certainty!

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Thanks for joining us for Chapter 6: Christmas Cheer of  Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved by Kate Bowler!  Join in next Monday for the next chapter!

We will talk about a few chapters each Monday until the book is done.  If Monday happens to be a holiday, then the post will publish on Tuesday.  Once we finish the book, we’ll use one more Monday to talk about general feelings from the book and anything else you’d like to discuss.  We’ll also have a video chat book club discussion at the end!  Join in, in the comments every week!  Also, there will probably be spoilers so read along with us!

Excited about the young adult cancer book club?  Have any suggestions for future reads?  Let us know!

Welcome to the comments and discussion of the Young Adult Cancer Book Club!  We are reading Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved by Kate Bowler.  Catch up on Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, and Chapter 4.

Let’s get started!

Chapter 5: Surrender

Commentary by Michal N.:

Chapter 5 picks up where chapter 1 left off, when Kate is about to have surgery for colon cancer (“the second-least sexy cancer…At least it’s not rectal cancer.”). After the surgery, she is relieved to find out that she won’t need a colostomy bag. The bad news is that her stage IV diagnosis makes her, in her words, “a spaghetti bowl of cancer.” She observes that bad news in the hospital is delivered by a “green” doctor (the most anxious type) at 4 AM, when they start rounds – not ideal circumstances for discussing how long you have left to live. Yet she has a surprising reaction to all of this – feelings of love towards everybody around her. “Drugged Kate” is very vocal about her feelings and full of life advice. She enjoys having visitors and especially appreciates “the power of touch” (as opposed to people’s words) – something she has in common with the prosperity gospel believers she has studied for her doctoral dissertation. But she feels lonely between visitors, and misses her Mennonite community in Canada, particularly “how wonderful they are at suffering together.” She is especially traumatized by the idea that her young child will grow up without her.

The title of this chapter is “Surrender”, which she notes is a positive quality for many Christians but a negative one for prosperity gospel believers. To them, “surrendering” means giving up, and they believe they have the power to will things into existence through sheer faith. As a young person with a serious cancer diagnosis, she seems to acknowledge that much of what they believe in is absurd, yet something about their message of hope speaks to her. Likewise, though she understandably seems wary of the food and herbal supplement “cures” her friends try to force upon her, she admits that she is (perhaps against her better judgment) drawn to the idea of being, or feeling, in control. As a child, she admired Sisyphus, even though his persistence is not usually thought of as something to be admired. She says about the prosperity gospel believers, “They are addicted to self-rule, and so am I.” I think this is something probably all cancer patients, and anyone who has experienced any kind of trauma, struggles with. It is very easy to blame oneself for things one has no control over, even while knowing that bad things happen to good people all the time. It is also easy to be tempted by any promise of a cure, even if its effectiveness is dubious. Kate is clearly very self-aware and has a good sense of humor about the reality she’s faced with. Sometimes the humor is very dark: “I am preparing for death and everyone else is on Instagram.” Yet it is comforting to read her thoughts, which I am sure many of us can relate to.

Commentary by Betsy B.:

There’s a lot to cover in this chapter (I could go on for awhile about all the goofy things I’ve said under anesthesia too), but I’ll focus on the theme of grieving I noticed, while Kate struggles to come to terms with her diagnosis.

Throughout the chapter Kate seems to be going thru the five stages of grief. In the opening paragraph, she writes about bargaining, asking her god to be the “god of yes.” To make her better so she can live the life she’s planned with her family.

There are many depressing instances too. When she talks to her friends and family about not having enough time, that she hoped her “life and my love will not undo each other.” One of the most impactful moments comes when she is describing how she is sinking faster than everyone else and someday she will drown. “I am preparing for death and everyone else is on Instagram.” Thankfully I went thru my cancer treatment before most social media existed, but I still experienced that sad and surreal feeling of watching my friends go to college and live their lives, while I was isolated in a hospital room for two months.

As cancer survivors, we can all relate to the denial stage. “If I hide the reality, then maybe I’m not sick,” she writes near the end of the chapter. I powered thru my treatments with a very unhealthy amount of denial and avoidance, so this really hit home. Most people deny what’s happening because we do not want to let go of our control—it’s part of what makes cancer so terrifying. “Control is a drug, and we are all hooked,” she writes. Because of Kate’s ties to the prosperity gospel, she has been taught to never surrender. If something bad happens or if she fails, it is because she did something wrong. Like those people on Instagram proclaim: You have to keep believing, think positive, eat the magical kale, hashtag blessed. Kate grapples with reconciling this thought process with her cancer. How can she possibly surrender?

Eventually, Kate begins to grudgingly accept that her faith may have misled her when she realizes that there might not be a rainbow at the end of this storm, no lesson to be learned. “When will I learn that surrender is not weakness?” she writes. Surrender does not have to mean dying or giving up. Surrender is not weakness and sometimes it is necessary.

Commentary by Chelsea P.:

In this chapter, Surrender, Kate explores the topic of what it’s like to count up your time, to bargain with God for more time, and the idea of surrender. It was also in this chapter that I found it strangely hard to relate to Kate although many of our experiences have been similar. Finally, it is in chapter 5 that I really noticed that Bowler’s writing style can be rather poetic at times.

For obvious reasons, it seems to be common for mankind to reach out to God in times of need. Kate Bowler has been no exception to that rule. Upon being diagnosed, she realized that she was not done living. Her time left “…will not be sufficient to raise a little baby to adulthood. It will not be the life [she had] promised to [her] husband” (p.53). So her first reaction is to pray to God to ask him for more time, to be cancer-free.

More than anything, it seemed to me that she is more concerned about how her death will affect those around her, specifically her husband and her son. She does not appear to feel sorry for herself nor does she explore the idea of a bucket list. Bowler grapples instead with the need to surrender and explains that, in the Christian meaning of the word, Surrender is akin to “letting go and sinking into the arms of God, whereas Presbyterians would see her as a “passive vehicle of God’s grace” and to the believers in the prosperity gospel, “surrender sounds like defeat” (p. 82-83). Is surrender giving up, or is it placing one’s trust in God?

I mentioned earlier that I was able to draw many parallels between my own experiences. Similarily, I have a young son (who was 4 months old when I was diagnosed), a cold, clinical oncologist similar to the one she described and a huge support system of friends, family and community members who mean the best but have difficulties understanding. That being said, I am an atheist at heart and therefore find it very difficult to fully relate to her fully.

Finally, I just wanted to point out some of the more poetic quotes from this chapter that I enjoyed reading (and re-reading!). Some of these spoke to me for varying reasons; others I simply found interesting as metaphors for our cancer diagnoses.

“Live unburdened. Live free. Live without forevers that don’t always come. These are my best hopes for you, that you press forward at last. I don’t know how to die, but I know how to press this crushing grief into hope, hope for them” (p. 60).

“I am on a boat caught in the storm and I say to the crew in a bright voice, Don’t worry about me. I was already going to die” (p. 66).

“Life is a series of losses…with age we slowly lose our sense and even our pleasures, our parents and then our friends, preparing us for our own absence” (p.68-69).

“The water is rising and the leaves may break and it will sweep us all away. But until then, I am here. I will not let go” (p. 71).

Join in next Monday for the comments and discussion on Chapter 6: Christmas Cheer!

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Thanks for joining us for Chapter 5: Surrender of  Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved by Kate Bowler!  Join in next Monday for the next chapter!

We will talk about a few chapters each Monday until the book is done.  If Monday happens to be a holiday, then the post will publish on Tuesday.  Once we finish the book, we’ll use one more Monday to talk about general feelings from the book and anything else you’d like to discuss.  We’ll also have a video chat book club discussion at the end!  Join in, in the comments every week!  Also, there will probably be spoilers so read along with us!

Excited about the young adult cancer book club?  Have any suggestions for future reads?  Let us know!

Welcome to the comments and discussion of the Young Adult Cancer Book Club!  We are reading Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved by Kate Bowler.  Catch up on Chapter 1, Chapter 2, and Chapter 3.

Let’s get started!

Chapter 4: Seasons

Commentary by Christy R.:

Kate sees her life as a series of many ups and downs, with there being seasons of disappointments intertwined with moments of extreme happiness. She describes how she and Toban were struggling to make ends meet at the beginning of their marriage and had to postpone starting a family. They spent 10 years trying not to get pregnant while she was in school and money was tight. Now they finally decided it was time, Kate was dealt the unfortunate hand of having to undergo multiple fertility treatments.

A takeaway for me here is that waiting for your breakthrough can be exhausting!

I think back to all the moments I needed to catch a break myself during my own treatments. It can seem to pile up and add to the exhaustion you already are feeling. Asking the question of, “Why me?”

It was during her season of waiting, she notices that waiting is a major theme for prosperity in the church. It encourages believers to sow seeds of faith and wait for the rain and harvest. Scripture had said, “To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” But one Sunday the First Lady of the church grew tired of waiting and proclaimed everyone to stand up and claim their blessings. This lead Kate to ask for a baby.

Kate found herself in a place of having to pretend to be happy for other women who seem to live this blessed life. But she believed through prayer and a little bit of luck, she was finally able to get pregnant.

This set off on what would be a path to an amazing year for Kate. The release of her first book on the prosperity gospel, birth of her son Zach, and a reset she felt on life. A new found happiness.

Commentary by Hillary W.:

Chapter 4, with the birth of Kate’s son, was difficult to read. When Kate talks of her “outrageous happiness” I felt helpless knowing what was about to follow. Young adult cancer is particularly insidious because it hits us at a time in our lives when we’re often experiencing these amazing highs – in Kate’s case, she has a baby and her first book has just been published. My son was a similar age to Kate’s when I was first diagnosed so I felt a personal connection and a genuine sense of dread and foreboding as the chapter ended with the word “blessed.” Cancer decimates the ability to be blissfully unaware.

Commentary by Marie-Elyse B.:

My initial reaction after reading chapter four of everything happens for a reason was that, up to now, this was the chapter that least represented me or anything i’ve been through before, during, or after my cancer diagnosis. Whereas chapter three called to me on multiple levels, chapter four was mostly about Kate’s dream of motherhood, which is something that has never been on my mind. Even if the treatment I had could have caused infertility, and the chances were slim, I never wanted children and that was the least of my worries when I was diagnosed (and still is).

On the other hand, after re-reading the chapter, there is something Kate and I had in common: an impossible dream. Before my diagnosis, I was always traveling, auditioning for orchestras, in order to, one day, land the perfect job. As an orchestra musician, this can be a painful, long, and depressing process. After multiple auditions and still no job, I found myself also trying to find answers to all those refusals: new teachers, therapy, etc. Without much success at first and also making “trading” prayers to whoever could be listening up there. Then the impossible: a few months before I started having health issues, I did it. I won the perfect job, far from my family, but in my home country. And same as Kate, that answered wish seemed like it came with a great price when a few months living my dream. I was told that my shoulder problems were not instrument-related, but a lymphoma to which I would have to stop working in order to get chemotherapy treatments. I also felt the same thing as Kate about waiting. I had waited all those years before having my own place, before getting a pet, getting into a serious relationship, etc. All these things in hold to reach my dream, just to see it crumble as soon as it became real. Maybe I shouldn’t have waited? Maybe it was better this way? Even now that I’m in remission and doing way better, even now that I’m back to my dream job I wonder, should I have waited this long to pursue those other paths in my life?

Join in next Monday for the comments and discussion on Chapter 5: Surrender!

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Thanks for joining us for Chapter 4: Seasons of  Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved by Kate Bowler!  Join in next Monday for the next chapter!

We will talk about a few chapters each Monday until the book is done.  If Monday happens to be a holiday, then the post will publish on Tuesday.  Once we finish the book, we’ll use one more Monday to talk about general feelings from the book and anything else you’d like to discuss.  We’ll also have a video chat book club discussion at the end!  Join in, in the comments every week!  Also, there will probably be spoilers so read along with us!

Excited about the young adult cancer book club?  Have any suggestions for future reads?  Let us know!

Welcome to the comments and discussion of the Young Adult Cancer Book Club!  We are reading Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved by Kate Bowler.  Catch up on Chapter 1 and Chapter 2.

Let’s get started!

Chapter 3: Magic Tricks

Commentary by Amy C.:

So far this book is not something that aligns with my life beliefs. I am not a religious person so that throws me off a bit. Chapter 3 Magic Tricks kept with the first two chapters. It starts with a negative tone. She describes a magic show she went to where she did not have a great time which lead into her comparing that to sudo-medical cures like the headphones for an autistic child. Then moves to preachers mailing out wallets promising to multiply the dollars and special bracelets. Although she scoffs at these ideas she does say she tried everything when her arms wouldn’t work. The idea of trying everything and anything no matter how ridiculous really resonates with me. “Caring less about whether it made any sense, just needed it to work”.

When she said she had tried everything and talked to so many doctors. I would have thought she would have tried a Physical Therapist. Maybe because I worked in that industry, but that was my first thought when she was describing her symptoms. So it’s interesting that her doctors went to surgery before trying physical therapy. Especially something like that could be spotted on an X-ray or MRI.

It is interesting that she had this life changing experience before cancer. It makes another diagnosis somewhat harder. After making it through this and thinking you are recovered then having another setback is extremely tough.

The end of the chapter connects back to the Prosperity Gospel. At that time she became the symbol of hope for those close to her. That God will help those that keep him in their hearts. All in all a somewhat strange chapter. The beginning about magic doesn’t really connect with her finding a physical therapist and a valid medical reason for her condition.

Commentary by Krystal H.:

I’ll be honest. This chapter was hard for me because it reminded me of so many friends who I’ve known in my life who, essentially, believe in the “name it, claim it” stuff. They might call it something else, like positive confession. Others have called it “having a prophetic tongue,” so one must be careful what they speak and call upon themselves.

One of my friends, during my diagnosis, used this line on me. He told me that I was calling cancer into my body just by talking about the diagnostics and telling people that I might be dealing with cancer.

That moment is one of the moments of those painful months that stands out crystal clear in my memory. That, and when he asked me if I was getting off on the attention (seriously, dude??).

These rituals … holding vigil over a dead body (like in the chapter), refusing to allow me to even say the word ‘cancer’ for fear that I was calling it … it’s like trying to hold back the wind. There are some things that we just cannot change. There are things that are out of our control, no matter how hard we try to deny that fact. Health is not in our control. Not fully. When we die—nah. No control over that, either.

Cancer is a harsh sieve through which all our circumstances get sifted. Some of the things we want most to be substantial and solid—our health, our mortality, even our friends and family—are nothing but sand that slips away. All that’s left are the pebbles that we previously overlooked.

Learning this lesson has been HARD. I don’t get to pretend that I’m immortal anymore. I push myself to live in the present, focusing so much more on the quality of my life, rather than living in fear about the quantity.

Hopefully, when my time’s up, I won’t have regrets from a life clinging to sand. Hopefully, I’ll have taken those little pebbles left in the sieve, polished them and loved them, and I’ll leave behind a treasure of gems.

Commentary by P.O.:

In chapter 3, “Magic Tricks,” Bowler recalls attending a magic show. Seeing the magic trick from afar, she sees a magic trick gone wrong and whatever was supposed to happen, didn’t. Something had malfunctioned. Bowler then describes magic she has seen up close. Recalling situations from studying the prosperity gospel, she describes parents buying their dying child shoes in hopes that the child could walk, preachers promising money to multiply in wallets that they mailed out to believers. Bowler is showing how when one is far removed, you see that it’s just a performance, a magic trick- an illusion. Sometimes it works and other times it doesn’t. But when affected by tragedy or looking for answers, it’s easy to buy into “magic tricks.” Bowler is looking for answers for her condition. She tries anything to restore her arm strength. She is buying into magic tricks too- the special bracelet, magnets and detoxifying foot bath- all in attempt to cure her- “I was trying everything and caring less about whether it made any sense. I just needed it to work.” This same idea applies to the Physical Therapist (PT)who easily diagnoses her and easily restores her- despite other healthcare providers unable to help her. Whatever the PT did works. Subsequently good things start to happen in Bowler’s professional life. The people that she is studying in her prosperity gospel research note that these are all signs that the prosperity gospel philosophy works. Althoug Bowler is just researching the prosperity gospel, has she bought into it somewhat herself at this point? To what extent, as individuals or as a culture, do we believe that there are reasons and explanations for why good things happen? To what extent do we believe we deserve it or owed it? What about when bad things happen? How is that explained? We celebrate and maybe believe we deserve the good, but what about the bad? Did we deserve that? It is interesting the reasons we tell ourselves why a good or bad thing happens and how far we go and the things we do to try to change something even if it doesn’t make sense. Getting a cancer diagnosis is just something that happened. I didn’t deserve or was being punished. I also didn’t deserve my loving parents and siblings. Did I do something to make that happen? No. I had nothing to do with that. There are just some things in life that happen-the good and the bad- and we didn’t do anything to deserve it.

Commentary by Laura P.:

Magic – is it real or just a trick? In chapter three, Kate Bowler considers the magic tricks she has witnessed: a botched magic show, the sad desperate acts of parents trying to fix their children, and the convenient preachers and healers who promise riches and health. At some point we all get a little desperate for magic, and sometimes we get tricked.

Kate Bowler describes that gratifying feeling when magic seems to be on your side. For her it was getting an answer as to why her arms were failing her, healing from this debilitating injury, landing her dream job, and securing a contract to write a book. For me, it felt like magic was on my side when I found out my cancer was stage one and curable. Magic was the too-good-to-be-true moment when I finished treatment and heard the word remission. Bowler also describes the devastation of magic failing through a story of friends who gathered around to pray all day and night in an effort to resurrect a life that ended too soon. For me, magic failed when my cancer came back.

Cancer survivors have to navigate so many magic tricks. This chapter made me reflect on all the ways I have tried tapping into magic while reaching for the elusive cure from my lymphoma. I’ve tried to balance my dosha. I’ve tried to harness the power of positive thinking. I’ve swallowed herbal supplements and shots of wheat grass. Kate Bowler writes, “I was trying everything and caring less about whether it made any sense. I just needed it to work.” This is just so relatable.

Join in next Monday for the comments and discussion on Chapter 4: Seasons!

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Thanks for joining us for Chapter 3: Magic Tricks of  Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved by Kate Bowler!  Join in next Monday for the next chapter!

We will talk about a few chapters each Monday until the book is done.  If Monday happens to be a holiday, then the post will publish on Tuesday.  Once we finish the book, we’ll use one more Monday to talk about general feelings from the book and anything else you’d like to discuss.  We’ll also have a video chat book club discussion at the end!  Join in, in the comments every week!  Also, there will probably be spoilers so read along with us!

Excited about the young adult cancer book club?  Have any suggestions for future reads?  Let us know!

Welcome to the comments and discussion of the Young Adult Cancer Book Club!  We are reading Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved by Kate Bowler.  Catch up on Chapter 1.

Let’s get started!

Chapter 2: Object Lesson

Commentary by Xenia R.:

This chapter begins with Kate sharing with the reader an earlier life event when her “body failed her.” She goes on to describe how her arms stopped working, became numb, and were unable to perform the simplest of tasks when she was 28 while working on her dissertation. “Life had become an obstacle course of things to be overcome to the sound of a ticking clock.”

Completing her dissertation meant that Kate had to visit various churches where spiritual healings would be taking place and she would become the main attraction. The church leaders would usher her into a room and ask her questions trying to figure out why this had happened to her. She was viewed as a puzzle that needed to be solved.

Kate was also visiting doctors to figure out the cause of this paralysis, 35 doctors in six months. The anecdote she shares is of how a pair of doctors assumed the cause of her issue was being large chested and doing a lot of yoga, even though Kate informed them she does not partake in yoga.

The chapter continues with Kate sharing that she had to move back to her parents so that they could help her complete her dissertation by typing her dictation. You can’t help but grin when she describes spending hours watching Law and Order episodes and eating Chinese take-out (we’ve all been there).

In the closing pages of the chapter Karen shares the details of another doctor’s visit, his rationale was that everything was in her head and she was referred to psychiatry. Her reaction was to call her friend, Chelsea, whom she had grown up with. “We both grew up with unlimited hope that life was fair. But that confidence to crumble in our hands as our twenties wore on.” Karen continues to write that “spiritual law offers an elegant solution to the problems of unfairness.”

The chapter ends with Karen describing her “endless cycle of hope and disappointment” being admitted to the hospital for surgery only to find out that she was pregnant. Both she and her husband were elated, however, within a few hours she was sobbing in her husband’s arms on the floor of the bathroom having miscarried the baby.

Commentary by Mariel N.:

Chapter 2, Object Lesson, gives us more background on the author’s past and how her “body has failed her before.” A statement that I have felt and said many times before, as well. The chapter, though, feels like not only has her body failed her but also the doctors were failing her and the gospel.

As she loses the ability to use her arms while writing her dissertation, she fights for medical help while doctors have difficulty finding a diagnosis. She advocates for herself by seeing doctor after doctor and demanding testing to be done. And after all of that, the last doctor diagnosed her with a psychosomatic disorder, which infuriated her. I can relate to her frustration and feeling like doctors are letting you down because before I was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 28, several doctors insisted I was too young to have breast cancer and gave other preliminary diagnoses. Some doctors didn’t even think I needed further testing.

She discusses the prosperity gospel and how people use proof to show their lives are successful and moving in a positive direction. But what does it mean then when you get a serious medical condition? The prosperity gospel also has a set of God’s principles and rules that should be followed. These give a cause and effect and answer any question of the fairness of life. If something bad happens, then you must have not followed the rules. As a cancer survivor, this thought process is difficult for me to follow. This suggests that getting cancer is due to something I have done or in response to another action. For me, this thought has crossed my mind but it creates a greater sense of anxiety moving forward. I do see how this can give an explanation to experiencing a terrible event. It gives reason to a very unfair situation. However, do I now move through life questioning everything that I do because it may cause a terrible effect?

The chapter ends with the author, Kate, going through another tragedy, a miscarriage. Her body had failed her once again. We know from the first chapter that she has a son, so that gives me hope that she was able to get through this tragic time. I’m looking forward to continuing to read and to see how these life and health events affect her views on the gospel, the prosperity gospel, and how she handles “everything happens for a reason”.

Commentary by Lauren W.:

“I was sad and angry in equal measure most of the time”  I’m not sure anything quite sums up a cancer diagnosis quite like that sentence. And Kate wasn’t even talking about cancer in this case – it was about the unexplainable occasional loss of mobility in her arms, years before her cancer diagnosis. Most of the chapter is spent on the consequences of that loss of mobility – unable to shake hands, having to move home with her parents, an endless stream of doctors who can’t figure it out (and won’t take the time to).

10 years out from my own cancer diagnosis, I still get hit by the sad and angry. When I think about whether or not I’ll ever be able to have kids. When I look down at the zipper scar running down the center of my stomach. When I overreact to basic health things because I’m terrified that once again it’s going to be cancer. And that’s not fair. It’s also why I really related to Kate (and her best friend’s) loss of the “unlimited hope that life was fair.” Because I truly haven’t thought that in over a decade.

One of the most interesting parts of Chapter 2: Object Lesson for me was the intersection of Kate’s research into the prosperity gospel and her real-life interaction with it. The dissidence between what the prosperity gospel is about – healing through prayer – and not being able to find an answer to heal what was happening. The back and forth between her research and her life is engaging – I’m always waiting to see how this ties back into what’s going on with her.

Join in next Monday for the comments and discussion on Chapter 3: Magic Tricks!

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Thanks for joining us for Chapter 2: Object Lesson of  Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved by Kate Bowler!  Join in next Monday for the next chapter!

We will talk about a few chapters each Monday until the book is done.  If Monday happens to be a holiday, then the post will publish on Tuesday.  Once we finish the book, we’ll use one more Monday to talk about general feelings from the book and anything else you’d like to discuss.  We’ll also have a video chat book club discussion at the end!  Join in, in the comments every week!  Also, there will probably be spoilers so read along with us!

Excited about the young adult cancer book club?  Have any suggestions for future reads?  Let us know!

Welcome to the comments and discussion of the Young Adult Cancer Book Club!  We are reading Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved by Kate Bowler.

Let’s get started!

Chapter 1: Diagnosis

Commentary by Lauren H.:

“I thought this life was only getting started, but now I am supposed to contemplate it’s sudden conclusion.”

In the first chapter of Kate Bowler’s Everything Happens for a Reason (And Other Lies I’ve Loved), aptly titled “Diagnosis,” perhaps no line will be more relatable to young adult cancer patients and survivors than the one above. Bowler writes in this chapter of how her life seemed to be aligning on a positive trajectory: a husband she loves, a dream career, and a young child. Until suddenly it’s not. With one phone call, after months of doctors not finding the cause of her stomach pain, her entire view of her existence is shifted. She has cancer, and it’s everywhere.

Confession: this is the first cancer memoir I’ve read since my own diagnosis a year and a half ago. I’ve avoided the genre somewhat purposefully, worried about the impact on my own emotional state. But I had watched Bowler’s TED Talk and seen a recent interview about her story, so I figured I’d be able to get through this chapter fine. Yet when I pulled out the book to read while in the infusion chair last week, I found myself tearing up several times. With her honest writing style and descriptions of her physical, mental, and emotional state, I found myself empathizing with her situation—while also flashing back to my own diagnosis story.

When Bowler is in the hospital room with two of her friends, preparing for surgery, she says aloud, “I just don’t know what to do.” Her friend Beth responds, “Die.” This brutal honesty was striking, and as a reader, took me aback. It is, of course, the thing on all of our minds when we are told we have cancer, especially Stage IV cancer. But often, it is something we dance around, that we try instead to focus on the positive…I am going to beat this disease, I am going to beat the odds. And to have someone else state this outcome so simply, so directly, can be so powerful. It’s not what we want to hear, but it’s perhaps what needs to be said aloud.

Commentary by Jessica K.:

I love that this book is steeped in spirituality. Even though I do not practice Christianity, I am highly spiritual. My spirituality helped get me through last year, when I was undergoing treatment for Stage 2 Breast Cancer at age 29.

At first, I was a bit annoyed that the author assumed that all cancer patients have a “why is this happening to me” moment. (In her words, “Why? God are you here? What does this suffering mean?”). For me, I knew almost instantly why I got cancer and what it meant. I got it because I could handle it. Of all the people I knew and of my immediate family, I was in the best shape (mentally, emotionally, and physically) to bear this burden. I was best equipped for this enormous challenge.

I also needed to learn some important life lessons. Until my experience with breast cancer, I didn’t really know how to accept help from others. And, most importantly, I didn’t trust myself fully. I’ve been called intense more than once, so it’s no surprise that I needed to get cancer to learn these life lessons (which others apparently learn under regular circumstances). Going through treatment while continuing to work full time led me to realize that I can handle pretty much anything, and I really can trust myself no matter what life throws at me. I learned these things from my cancer, and for that I am grateful.

Getting back to being annoyed with the author. I thought about this some more. While it was true that I didn’t have those “why me” thoughts when I was diagnosed, or even during treatment, I definitely had them after. When everything was done and my body was wrecked from being pumped with poison and burned every day with radioactivity, I was tired and I was pissed. I was mad that the people who looked at me didn’t know that I was a cancer patient anymore. I was mad because I wasn’t getting the special kindness from strangers that I got when I was fully bald (even if it was just pity – who doesn’t like it when people hold doors for you, or just smile?).

I was really mad that I had gained 20 pounds and now had to rebuild my body. I had struggled with my body for years and finally been in a great place when I was diagnosed. This one really messed me up. “It’s not fair!” “It’s not my fault that I could only eat soup and bread for 6 months!” “This @#$%^ sucks.” All of these things were true, and I needed some time to wallow in my self-pity.

It took me a while to figure out ways to be grateful, rather than angry or sad, but eventually, I got there. I am so grateful that I have the opportunity to rebuild, where so many others do not.
One last thing, because I was supposed to write about Chapter One, which is called Diagnosis. Other than the fact that our diagnoses were really different (she had a lot of symptoms leading up to hers, which must have been terrifying, whereas I thought the worst thing I’d have coming out of my routine OB/GYN appointment was an STD, if anything), we handled the news the same way.

I didn’t know that other people handled their diagnoses the same way that I did, and that made me feel more normal. I thought pretty much everyone went home and cried about it, or took time off to digest the news. And, while I’m sure there are innumerable patients who did just that, I loved reading about the author’s persistence and ability to attack her Cancer ‘to-do list’ just like any other ‘to-do list.’

Commentary by Miranda M.:

We begin the book by learning how Kate quickly incorporates a coping technique for the crippling pain she feels numerous times a day. It is a testament to how we often power through big challenges. Even when she is told of her diagnosis over the phone, she thinks of others. The words that she is compelled to repeat are “But, I have a son.” Yet, through the daunting days of her initial diagnosis, others are there for Kate too. Her friend Beth has the courage to answer the spiraling questions of what the future contains, with one simple loaded word: Die. Seemingly harsh, it was what helped snap the present moment into focus.

Join in next Monday for the comments and discussion on Chapter 2: Object Lesson!

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Thanks for joining us for Chapter 1: Diagnosis of  Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved by Kate Bowler!  Join in next Monday for the next chapter!

We will talk about a few chapters each Monday until the book is done.  If Monday happens to be a holiday, then the post will publish on Tuesday.  Once we finish the book, we’ll use one more Monday to talk about general feelings from the book and anything else you’d like to discuss.  We’ll also have a video chat book club discussion at the end!  Join in, in the comments every week!  Also, there will probably be spoilers so read along with us!

Excited about the young adult cancer book club?  Have any suggestions for future reads?  Let us know!

The young adult cancer book club has been moving slowly behind the scenes, getting ready for Round 8 to start.

Chosen by you, the next Book Club read is Kate Bowler’s book, Everything Happens For A Reason And Other Lies I’ve Loved.  I’m really excited to read this book altogether.  The books are now in the Lacuna Loft offices and are ready to be sent to those of you who signed up to receive one of the 24 free books in exchange for sharing your commentary on one of the book’s chapters.  I’m so happy to announce that the books will go out this week!  We actually went crazy this time and 32 of you are receiving a free book!

To give everyone a change to dig into the book, we’ll be sending out the books this week, they’ll arrive sometime in the next week (media mail takes a while sometimes…), and we’ll give you the month of July to start reading.   During July, we’ll send out chapter assignments to the 32 young adult cancer patients, survivors, and caregivers who received a free book.  Then, we’ll start sharing commentary in August!  I know that seems like forever away but August will arrive before you know it and this way, everyone has a chance to start reading.

Once this round of the young adult cancer book club officially starts, there are several ways for you to be involved in the book club:

1. Read the book along with us and check out the Young Adult Voices blog each Monday, starting August 5th for the next book chapter’s installment!
2. If you get behind, check out this page for all of the posts for Round 8 of the book club.
3. If you’d like to contribute your comments about a chapter, email info@lacunaloft.org at least a few days ahead of the Monday when that chapter will be discussed, with your comments and a short bio of yourself.

Chosen by you, the next Book Club Read is Kate Bowler’s book, Everything Happens For A Reason And Other Lies I’ve Loved.  I’m really excited to read this book altogether.

I am super excited for the book club to be starting its 8th round. Round 1, Round 2, Round 3, Round 4, Round 5, Round 6, and Round 7 were a huge success and I expect nothing less from Round 8!  So!  How does it work?  Lacuna Loft offers a free book to 24 young adult cancer patients/survivors (everyone who has been diagnosed with cancer is considered a survivor at Lacuna Loft) in exchange for sharing their commentary on one of the book’s chapters.  Each week, we will share those comments on the book, as well as personal thoughts and stories.  After we’ve completed the book, we’ll have a video chat where people can talk with one another about the book and life in general.

Normally, this is also the post where we have a sign-up ready to go for the book orders but we’re not quite ready yet.  In the meantime, go here to be notified when we are accepting sign-ups for the 24 free books (in exchange for your commentary on a chapter!) and we’ll send you an email the second the books are available to order from us!

Once this round of the young adult cancer book club officially starts, there are several ways for you to be involved in the book club:

1. Read the book along with us and check out the Young Adult Voices blog each Monday for the next book chapter’s installment!
2. If you get behind, check out this page for all of the posts for Round 8 of the book club.
3. If you’d like to contribute your comments about a chapter, email info@lacunaloft.org at least a few days ahead of the Monday when that chapter will be discussed, with your comments and a short bio of yourself.