Book Club: Rising Strong, Chapter 4

rising strong chapter 4

Welcome to the comments and discussion of Chapter 4: The Reckoning of the book, Rising Strong by Brené Brown!  Catch up on Chapter 1: The Physics of Vulnerability, Chapter 2: Civilization Stops at the Waterline, and Chapter 3: Owning Our Stories.

Let’s get started!  Chapter 4!

Mallory:

Wow.  Reading this chapter, was hard for me.  The entire time, I had a story in my mind of a time in my past career when I’d messed up a little.  A time when I’d acted in a way that I didn’t like thinking about.  Shame washed over me consistently during my reading of Chapter 4.

Before running Lacuna Loft, I was an Aerospace Engineer.  I went to a top-5 ranked university, worked with well-known defense companies, finished my Master’s Degree, and started a Ph.D.  I researched high-temperature metal fatigue with the Air Force and then with NASA.  At one point in my graduate studies, I presented at a conference with some of my NASA colleagues and a lab-mate from school.  Near the end of my presentation, I was asked a question that I knew, I knew the answer to…but I just couldn’t find the correct response in my brain.  I quickly searched my brain, gave up, grew defensive, and said something totally useless.  The entire room full of professionals saw.  About 15 minutes later, on the escalator in the conference hotel, someone passing in the other direction gave me the proper answer.  By then, I already remembered what the correct response had been but thanked the man none-the-less.  I still think of this experience, more than 4 years and an entirely new career later.  It makes me think about my past life with nostalgia, anger, and sadness.  It makes me feel like an even bigger failure than thinking about my past career can already do at times.  Just reading Chapter 4 brought back all of these feelings.

This chapter was full of important nuggets of information, but the one that really helped assuage my feelings of shame and scarcity (feeling like I am not enough), was on the last page.  Brené Brown writes, “The most difficult part of our stories is often what we bring to them – what we make up about who we are and how we are perceived by others.  Yes, maybe we lost our job or screwed up a project, but what makes that story so painful is what we tell ourselves about our own self-worth and value.”  Nail hit directly on the head.  I eventually left graduate school because of cancer and the effect it was having on the pace of my productivity.

Those professionals saw a graduate student who almost had the research question figured out, but who needed a little more time figuring out the nuts and bolts.  Instead, I saw myself as someone who should have known the right answer in the right moment and who, therefore, was useless and unworthy.  My defenses sprung up to cover my discomfort with not knowing.  Ironically, in research, saying that you’re not sure and talking it through, even in front of a bunch of people, is totally understood.  I added negativity and hurt to the story that was perceived by me, and me alone.

Reading this book and really thinking about its lessons is like going to therapy each week.  Therapy was where I learned to be curious about emotions.  As a child, while fighting with my little brother, I was taught that the conflict was my fault, as I was the older sibling, and that I should stop.  Just, stop.  Not, figure out why I was angry and then sort through a better response of my emotions for both me and my brother.  Nope.  Just, stop.  Stop reacting, stop being angry, stop, stop, stop.  It took several years of therapy to realize that children become angry and fighting with my little brother didn’t make me a bad sibling, or a bad person.  Once again, what was painful about that story was what I told myself about my own self-worth and value.

Who else is loving this book?  Who else is finding certain chapters difficult to read?

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Thanks for joining us for our Chapter 4: The Reckoning of Rising Strong!  Join in next Monday for Chapter 5: The Rumble and in the meantime, learn more about the book club commentators!

If you’re just joining us, here are some logistics:

We will talk about a chapter each Monday until the book is done.  Then, we’ll use one more Monday to talk about general feelings from the book and anything else you’d like to discuss.  Join in, in the comments every week!  At the end, we’ll have a book club discussion via video chat!  Also, there will probably be spoilers.  Read along with us!

How are you enjoying our young adult cancer book club?

Book Club: Rising Strong, Chapter 3

Rising Strong

After 2 weeks away, we’re back!

Welcome to the comments and discussion of Chapter 3: Owning Our Stories of the book, Rising Strong by Brené Brown!  Catch up on Chapter 1: The Physics of Vulnerability and Chapter 2: Civilization Stops at the Waterline.

Let’s get started!  Chapter 3!

Mallory:

This chapter was short and sweet.  So much to think about and ponder were packed into this tiny chapter.  My biggest take away was this quote, “What are the consequences of putting down the weapons and taking off the armor?”

Telling our stories, whether they be about cancer or not, takes a lot of vulnerability.  One must be willing to take off the armor, put down the weapons, and open up to someone else.  When we do this we open ourselves up to the opinions and points of view of someone else too…someone who may not have also gone through what you experienced.  We do this to pick ourselves back up again after a big event has knocked us to pieces.  Brené Brown says, “Integrating is the engine that moves us through the reckoning, the rumble, and the revolution, and the goal of each of these processes is to make ourselves whole.”  Yes, yes, yes.

When I was in the process of leaving graduate school…well, that’s not really the truth of it.  When I was in the process of trying to stay in graduate school, is more like it, I wrote a letter to the head of my department advocating for myself and telling more of the extenuating circumstances that were threatening my time in graduate school in the first place.  My letter explained that my mother had died and that very soon after I was diagnosed with cancer.  The letter divulged that I was still, 2 years post cancer treatments, experiencing fatigue and chemo brain but that, while my progress was now slower than other students’, I could still do the research, get published, keep solid grades, find myself funding, and overall be a successful graduate student (I’d done all of those things post-cancer).  The letter was 1.5 pages long, and asked that I be allowed to continue in graduate school.  The letter argued that I be allowed to continue on a path I had been preparing for, for almost 8 years.  Before submitting the letter, I showed it to my thesis advisor, expecting him to be a good advocate for me as well.  I was wrong.  My advisor explained that the letter needed to be at most 500 words (about a page) because the department head was a busy man and that I should delete everything that explained how ‘incapable’ I currently was….soooo basically he told me to remove a lot of what was authentic and vulnerable about the letter.  I don’t believe I’ve told that story publically before.

It took me years to reclaim my story and to know that the loss was theirs and not mine.  It took many loving people, both professionally and personally, telling me that I was still worthy, that I was still intelligent, before I truly began to reclaim myself and my story.  If you are reading this, know that your story is valid.  Your story is important.  And know, you are enough.

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Thanks for joining us for our Chapter 3: Owning Our Stories of Rising Strong!  Join in next Monday for Chapter 4: The Reckoning and in the meantime, learn more about the book club commentators!

If you’re just joining us, here are some logistics:

We will talk about a chapter each Monday until the book is done.  Then, we’ll use one more Monday to talk about general feelings from the book and anything else you’d like to discuss.  Join in, in the comments every week!  At the end, we’ll have a book club discussion via video chat!  Also, there will probably be spoilers.  Read along with us!

How are you enjoying our young adult cancer book club?

Book Club: Rising Strong, Chapter 2

book club

Welcome to the comments and discussion of Chapter 2: Civilization Stops at the Waterline of the book, Rising Strong by Brené Brown!  Catch up on Chapter 1: The Physics of Vulnerability.

Let’s get started!  Chapter 2!

Mallory:

This chapter focused on the mess in the middle…that part in every story when the internal battles are happening, the solution forms itself, and the really hard work happens.  I can relate to this in so many ways.  My personal struggles with cancer, caregiving, and survivorship, as well as my professional life, have had many a messy middle.  This middle part is where “the protagonist looks for every comfortable way to solve the problem.  By the climax, he learns what it’s really going to take to solve the problem.  This act includes the “lowest of the low.”

This middle is where the second guessing happens, where we internally debate the “right” and “wrong” ways to handle something (or to ignore something).  Brené relates this story process with the process of Rising Strong.  In the Rising Strong process, the middle part is the Rumble.  The part where honesty is a must, where growth is inevitable, and where we learn just a little bit more about this journey of being human.

Stories can be big and small.  They can be the process of our morning, a big change at work, a move across the country.  Big or small, being honest with ourselves and allowing the middle part to happen, not glossing over it hoping for an easy fix or a quick ending, is essential to learning how to Rise Strong.

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Thanks for joining us for our Chapter 2: Civilization Stops at the Waterline of Rising Strong!  Join in next Monday for Chapter 3: Owning Our Stories and in the meantime, learn more about the book club commentators!

If you’re just joining us, here are some logistics:

We will talk about a chapter each Monday until the book is done.  Then, we’ll use one more Monday to talk about general feelings from the book and anything else you’d like to discuss.  Join in, in the comments every week!  At the end, we’ll have a book club discussion via video chat!  Also, there will probably be spoilers.  Read along with us!

How are you enjoying our young adult cancer book club?

Book Club: Rising Strong, Chapter 1

young adult cancer book club

Welcome to the comments and discussion of Chapter 1: The Physics of Vulnerability of the book, Rising Strong by Brené Brown!  A big shout out to Random House for donating all of our books this time around!

Let’s get started!  Chapter 1!

Marnie:

Introduction: Truth and Dare
The introduction actually resonated with me before I even made it to the first page of Chapter One.

Brené says “On a cultural level, I think the absence of honest conversation about the hard work that takes us from lying facedown in the arena to rising strong has led to two dangerous outcomes: the propensity to gold-plate grit and a badassery deficit.”

She describes “gold-plating grit” as the tendency to sanitize our stories of falling into something uplifting and redemptive, while glossing over the painful details and emotional consequences. I feel this happens more often than not when we speak of our cancer experiences. We summarize and move quickly to a more positive ending, leaving out the ugly bits – fear, pain, anguish, heartbreak, weakness, grief, devastation, and more. I believe we do this for multiple reasons – the first of which is sparing ourselves the pain of reliving the hurt again, especially if the experience is still fresh or ongoing. It is also very difficult for us to admit vulnerability, often describing it as weakness in ourselves or our character, so we definitely don’t want to voluntarily share it with others. As Brene suggests, we feel too much shame to let others see the intimate process of overcoming hurt. I think we also do this to spare our loved ones from their own pain of having to watch (often helplessly) while we struggle and fall.

I did this myself with my first cancer diagnosis – I was the queen of gold-plating grit. At first I didn’t want to talk about any of it at all and when I finally did, I would move quickly through to end on a high note, skipping all the difficult parts in between. I was finally able to admit something horrible was happening to me, but was not acknowledging the emotional consequences. This felt wrong to me and kept me from rising up and moving on. As Brene says, if we do not acknowledge the real hurt and fear, if we strip the emotional consequences, we remove the qualities that make grit and resilience important – toughness, tenacity, perseverance, knowledge, courage.

Brené also mentions a “badassery deficit”, which I think goes hand in hand with gold-plating grit. Cancer fighters and survivors are often called badass (or kickass, warrior, inspiration, brave, courageous, etc.). But so many of us shun those adjectives and push back, feeling we don’t deserve or haven’t earned those descriptions. I think this happens often when we have been gold-plating grit and are not being honest about our experience with cancer. I agree wholeheartedly with Brene that people standing fully in their own truth despite discomfort and vulnerability are true badasses. I wish more cancer survivors were able to see this about themselves, to see admitting vulnerability and being honest about the difficulties encountered does not make us weak. It is the opposite – a true measure of our strength and courage.

Chapter 1: The Physics of Vulnerability
This chapter discusses Brené’s “rules of engagement for rising strong”. These ten truths are fundamental for being able to get back up after falling or failing. I found myself nodding agreement to just about every word here, but a few sections stood out for me.

I want to be in the arena. I didn’t realize this at first when I was diagnosed with cancer, but it quickly became evident. I couldn’t just sit back and let these awful things happen to me, even when I thought I wanted to or didn’t think I had the energy or strength. I did want to get up, time and time again after being knocked on my ass and kicked while I was down there. I want to be brave. And honest. And open. With myself and those around me.

A lot of cheap seats in the arena are filled with people who never venture onto the floor. This paragraph was more about criticism, cruelty, or other negative feedback, but as a cancer survivor it meant something different to me. As I read this, I was remembering all the times I was told what I “should have” done or how things would be or what I could do to “fix” something, all by people who had no idea what I was going through. This is a good cancer, an easy one. This is nothing to worry about. You’ll be fine. If only you had eaten better before (or did eat better now). You should drink juice and take vitamins. You just need to exercise. I still get worked up when people say these things, whether to me or others (ok…admittedly quite often more than “worked up”). I dare greatly and share my story as often as I can, so I can help others to understand what being in the arena is like.

Once we fall in the service of being brave, we can never go back. Oof…big one. Every cancer survivor I have ever met has, at one time or another, wanted desperately to go back to where they were before the diagnosis. Yet part of being in the arena and rising strong is to realize the place “before” no longer exists…there is no ”back to normal”. This can be a difficult, often devastating realization, something which yet again shoves us to the ground in the arena. But as Brene says, this awareness can also ignite our sense of purpose and our commitment to daring greatly. Walking the line between wanting to go back and moving forward is a fundamental piece of rising strong.

The journey belongs to no one but you; however, no one successfully goes it alone. This was another big one for me. This was a huge hurdle when I was first diagnosed (and continues to be, if I am honest). I saw the diagnosis and resulting emotions as some sort of failure on my part, a weakness or character flaw. The last thing I wanted was to admit I was vulnerable and needed help. But cancer doesn’t really care what we want and I soon found myself at a point where I literally could not get through my daily life without help from others. I was ashamed of needing to ask for help and felt as if those around me would think less of me if I did ask. This was one of the biggest, most important and life-changing lessons I have ever learned…that we all need connection and we all need help at some point in our lives. And asking for help, admitting vulnerability, is not only a strength but can also be a gift to those you seek help from, who have likely been feeling powerless and wondering what they can do to ease your suffering.

Comparative suffering is a function of fear and scarcity. Right after my diagnosis, people would say things to me about how their lives or their trials were nothing compared to mine (this still happens, actually). I always respond by saying something about each of us carrying our own burdens, which cannot be compared. However, I found myself doing the exact same thing when I first started attending support groups or talking to other survivors. You had brain cancer? Well, mine was just breast, no big deal. You had a double mastectomy and four reconstruction surgeries? I only had a lumpectomy. You had 20 rounds of super harsh chemo? I did four of the easy kind. I was dismissing my own experiences, minimizing the hell I was living in. This was a harsh wake-up call for me, to realize our experiences are a matter of perspective and we need to honor our own struggles, no matter what they are.

Courage is contagious. Brené says “rising strong changes not just you, but also the people around you…your experience can profoundly affect the people around you whether you’re aware of it or not.” This has been a large part of my own truth, my own path toward authenticity. I will share my story (or parts of it) with anyone who wants to listen. If one tiny part of my experience can help another person, it is worth every moment and helps us both rise strong. Even if I am not sharing my story out loud, I can still make a difference for others by standing in my own truth and demonstrating how someone can rise strong.

 

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Thanks for joining us for our Chapter 1: The Physics of Vulnerability of Rising Strong!  Join in next Monday for Chapter 2: Civilization Stops at the Waterline and in the meantime, learn more about the book club commentators!

If you’re just joining us, here are some logistics:

We will talk about a chapter each Monday until the book is done.  Then, we’ll use one more Monday to talk about general feelings from the book and anything else you’d like to discuss.  Join in, in the comments every week!  At the end, we’ll have a book club discussion via video chat!  Also, there will probably be spoilers.  Read along with us!

How are you enjoying our young adult cancer book club?

Book Club: Rising Strong, Commentators

Lacuna Loft book club

Meet the wonderful volunteers who are offering their comments and discussions of the book, Rising Strong by Brené Brown!  You’ll hear from an assortment of them each week, learning how they respond to each chapter of the book!  We’ll be updating this list as you hear from each of the commentators.

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marnie-photo

My name is Marnie and I am a survivor of two cancers. I was diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma (breast cancer) in 2012 and papillary thyroid cancer in 2015. I also live with chronic pain and chronic fatigue syndrome related to the treatments received for those diagnoses.

That initial cancer diagnosis brought me to my knees. It paralyzed me with anger and fear and destroyed my strength, confidence, and self worth. I existed in a haze, trying to figure out what “normal” was supposed to be and questioning whether I would ever get there again. Though devastating, that diagnosis also prompted me to realize life is fleeting and uncontrollable and should be lived with excitement and joy. It led me to discover my inner strength and determination to get up and move forward. It reminds me to be grateful for every new day.

I have found amazing support and connection in the young adult survivor community, which continues to help me through the ups and downs of being a cancer survivor. Because of that support and connection, I am vocal about sharing my story and fiercely passionate about helping others navigate their cancer experiences and advocate for their own wellness.

If I had a life motto, it would be “I cannot be stopped…the universe isn’t done with me yet”. I am just getting started.

 

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Interested in joining the chorus?  Email info@lacunaloft.org to add your voice to the book club!

If you’re just joining us, here are some logistics:

We will talk about a chapter each Monday until the book is done.  Then, we’ll use one more Monday to talk about general feelings from the book and anything else you’d like to discuss.  Join in, in the comments every week!  At the end, we’ll have a book club discussion via video chat!  Also, there will probably be spoilers.  Read along with us!

How are you enjoying our young adult cancer book club?

Young Adult Cancer Book Club Round 3 Starts September 19th!

young adult cancer book club

The Lacuna Loft Young Adult Cancer Book Club is starting Monday, September 19th!  The book, as chosen by you, is……Rising Strong by Brené Brown!!!

It was definitely a close call between two of the choices but Rising Strong ultimately won.  I’ve been keeping track of some last minute suggestions for what books we might read in our 4th round of the book club too!  Lacuna Loft is offering a free book to 20 young adult cancer survivors or caregivers.  To get your free book, email info@lacunaloft.org with your name, mailing address, and a little bit about yourself.

I am super excited for the book club to be starting its 3rd round.  Round 1 and Round 2 were a huge success and I expect nothing less from Round 3!  Each week, young adult cancer survivors and caregivers will share comments on the book, as well as personal thoughts and stories.  After we’ve completed the book, we’ll have a video chat where people can talk with one another about the book and life in general.

There are several ways for you to be involved in the book club.

  1.  Read the book along with us and check out the Young Adult Voices blog each Monday for the next book chapter’s installment!
  2. If you get behind, check out this page for all of the posts for Round 3 of the book club.
  3. If you’d like to contribute your comments about a chapter, email info@lacunaloft.org at least a few days ahead of the Monday when that chapter will be discussed, with your comments and a short bio of yourself.

Lacuna Loft is offering a free book to 20 young adult cancer survivors or caregivers.  To get your free book, email info@lacunaloft.org with your name, mailing address, and a little bit about yourself.

If you’d prefer to order yourself a book, you can find it listed on Amazon here…(remember to order using Amazon Smile and choose to support Lacuna Loft!)

Here are some logistics:

We will talk about a chapter each Monday until the book is done.  If Monday happens to be a holiday, then the post will publish on Tuesday.  Once we finish the book, we’ll use one more Monday to talk about general feelings from the book and anything else you’d like to discuss.  Plus, this time around we’ll have a video chat book club discussion at the end too!  Join in, in the comments every week!  Also, there will probably be spoilers so read along with us!

Excited about the young adult cancer book club?  Have any suggestions for future reads?  Let us know!