Confessions Of A Cancer Patient

survivor guilt

I’m awake, for maybe the fifth or sixth time tonight. Like other nights, it’s a cold sweat that wakes me. I rise up and stare sleepily at the light that shines through my blinds. My body aches, there is no comfortable position to sleep in. I rise slowly so I don’t wake him, and I hear a soft snore that tells me he’s deep in a dream. The weight of my own body almost feels like too much and balance takes real effort. It’s a long walk to our restroom only about 6 feet away. I dampen a cloth and moisten my face and my chest. Sore still both from accessing the port and a deeper pain that I can’t shake.

I haven’t slept a full night in I don’t know how long. In the mirror, I see the reflection of a woman I still don’t recognize. Short fuzzy hair, darkened nails and a round face, moon face they call it; they, the others, like me. I don’t like this woman. I feel a pit in my stomach, a feeling that’s familiar. A cross between angry and sad, my eyes water. It’s time to make my way back.

The more I sleep, the less I have to think. As I lay back down, I hope the next interval comes further out. Maybe I’ll sleep until I have to get up with the kids, but it’s unlikely. I stare up at the ceiling wishing I could cry. I know if I allow myself to start, it could be hard to stop.

The silence is deafening, I lay waiting and the hours pass.

This happens almost nightly, sleep escapes me and I just lay here. I watch him sleep and sometimes catch a giggle. I stare and watch his face as it changes from serious, to a smile and then fades away as quickly as it came. I lay there and wonder what he dreams of so vividly, and I hope it’s of our son (or daughter) in heaven. My heart aches more now, so I imagine something different. A dream where he is a popular Star Wars character, now I giggle.

To be honest, it could be much worse. I’m already expecting good news from a future scan. In fact, yesterday might have been my last chemotherapy session. I feel a sense of deep guilt at that realization, so many fight for so long and here I am, possibly done. I don’t know if I’m ready for what’s next, this “New Normal” the cancer community talks about. What I do know, is it’s in Gods hands now. So, I leave it up to him.

facebook…Connecting With Other Young Adult Cancer Survivors

connecting with other young adult cancer survivors

Welcome to a new series here on Lacuna Loft!  Over the next few weeks, we’ll be talking about different ways of connecting with other young adult cancer survivors.  Today we talk about facebook!

How are you liking this new series?  To recap, so far we’ve talked about connecting with other young adults using instagram and twitter.

Have you thought about using social media to find other survivors (instead of using it to realize that all of your non-cancer-having-young-adult friends seem to be having an easier time at life than you are right now?)  Take control over the interweb info that you consume and gain some young-adult-cancer-having love at the same time!

Today we look into the world of connecting with other young adult cancer survivors through facebook.  Now, don’t get me wrong, bookface (and social media in general) is often a challenge for young adult cancer survivors.  You see your friends posting happy photos, underlining just how much you might be missing out on while you deal with your cancer diagnosis, treatment, and survivorship.  But, today we’ll explain how you can easily find other young adult cancer survivors to talk to!

Now, unlike instagram and twitter where you can quickly use hashtags (#) to find a tribe of people, navigating facebook is easiest through the search bar at the top.  By simply typing young adult cancer in the search bar, you can quickly find a number of young adult cancer groups to join.  These different groups show up as a form of drop down menu where you can then click on one or more that interests you.  Other search terms also show up (at the bottom), providing you with more options for connecting with other young adult cancer survivors.   Many of these groups offer opportunities to post anonymous questions to receive feedback about your pressing issues and concerns.  The Stupid Cancer groups even offer the chance for meetups with other young adult cancer survivors in your area.


As I’ve said in the previous posts in this series, connecting with other survivors is a very powerful experience.  Knowing that you aren’t alone is a big deal…being able to share your good times and bad times with those who truly understand adds that extra bit of control to an otherwise frightening and out of control experience.

You can also use this search method to find other caregivers on facebook.  Many of the caregiving sites have very active members who will jump at the chance to offer any sort of support that you may be seeking!

P.S.  #youngadultcancer on instagram & #yacancer and #ayacsm on twitter