Welcome to the comments and discussion of the Young Adult Cancer Book Club! We are reading Brave Enough by Kati Gardner!   Catch up on Chapter 1, Chapters 2-5, Chapters 6-8, Chapters 9-11, and Chapters 12-15.

Week 6: Chapters 16-20

Commentary by Sam A.:

These chapters spoke very well to my experience with wanting to be the fiercely independent person I was before my cancer treatment. I know what it is like to have to rely on others to help you do things you feel and know you can do on your own. In Chapter 16 Cason said it best when it says, “She .. was tired of having to wait on her mommy to come and help her.” As I didn’t lose a leg I did lose the ability to use my hands because of one of the chemotherapy treatments. It would be debilitating pain in my hands that felt like they were on fire. It was so bad that I needed help being fed, going to the bathroom, and bathing. These are things that I was used to doing on my own and took patience allowing another person to do it the way they were used to. Chemo definitely opened me up to letting go and allowing others to serve me when I needed them the most. It was so heartbreaking to know that something she felt had no consequence (and in any other situation would have no consequence) was the reason she lost her leg completely.

In Chapter 17 when she told Davis what had happened she told him “I was just so tired of waiting on everyone to help me. .. I just wanted to be the one to make the decision.” In a situation like this you want any control over even the smallest things. Your life seems so out of your control that you have to take it back like she did with shaving her head on her terms. I went through this as well hearing that it is most liberating thing to make that decision on your own instead of letting your hair fall out. You get to make the call on when it goes.

After her fall I love that Davis comforted her in a way that no one else did. When she tells him “It’s not fair. None of it is fair.” He knew that others would try and tell her it was going to be alright. I tried to stay super positive even though I knew my life was going to be different after this. It’s not fair to anyone that has to endure that kind of pain but you have to find ways to cope and move forward anyway.

I really felt for Davis when after his girlfriend finds out she is going to lose her leg his ex-girlfriend overdoses. Going in to chemo I felt some guilt about not being able to help a few close family members that were going through depression and severe anxiety that has affected them almost every single day of their lives. I’m glad Davis had a good counselor to tell him, “You cannot help everyone. You can only help yourself. You can’t control other people and what they do. …You can control how you choose to deal with it.” I honestly cared more about their well-being than my own. I knew I was going to be ok but it hurt knowing that they have had to endure that pain and in this moment there wasn’t much I could do to help them.

Sometimes you can feel pretty numb to what is happening to you. Before chemo I was in denial. When I went into chemo I was in denial. It wasn’t until I started losing my hair that I felt the reality of how it was affecting me that made it real. In chapter 20 Cason says, “Rationally, I know this is what had to happen.” I remember being pretty close to the end of my treatment. It was the week before the “red devil” would enter my body once again and cause me to be reliant solely on my mom. I had an anxiety attack about not knowing if my treatment would be enough to beat the cancer. I related to the words Cason said about ” .. there could still be some rogue cancer in my body.” That’s the scary thing about cancer. I was worried about how my anxiety would be after chemo. Was the treatment really working? Would I live my life in fear that it could come back? Would I be worried that someone I know and love would have to endure the same thing? I didn’t like feeling that those chances could be high. Luckily I had amazing doctors that validated me by giving me the hope I needed that the treatment was working exactly as expected. I think I stayed relatively positive throughout my experience. It took until after I resumed my life that I started feeling a little more resentment and anger for what I had to endure, unlike Cason who felt it pretty quickly after her surgery.

As I mentioned before I understand the guilt that comes especially when you have that much time to think and reflect on your life. In Cason’s situation, she had guilt from the small mistake she made. As Heather comforts her she says, ” You woke up one morning with a plan, you took a shower, something we all do, a basic necessity, and then you went to bed with one leg. That’s a lot to process and figure out.” I feel like there were a lot of things that I had to process and it wasn’t always cancer-related. I kept thinking about past relationships and other mistakes or “bad choices” I had made. Sometimes I used those things to justify why I was even in this situation in the first place.. which sounds crazy. I don’t know that it’s something everyone in my situation internalizes but for me my insecurities opened up in bigger and harsher ways than they had ever opened up before. There were times where I wanted to just do as Cason expressed and ” pull the covers over (my) head and sleep until all of this was over.. (and) hide in a dark room and wait for life to resemble what it had been”.It was at times hard to see the light at the end. In hindsight, I know what a blessing cancer had been for the personal progression in my life and it continues to be a blessing in ways I didn’t think possible.

 

Join in next Monday for the comments and discussion on chapters 21-26!
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We will talk about a few chapters each Monday until the book is done. If Monday happens to be a holiday, then the post will publish on Tuesday. Once we finish the book, we’ll use one more Monday to talk about general feelings from the book and anything else you’d like to discuss. We’ll also have a video chat book club discussion at the end! Join in, in the comments every week! Also, there will probably be spoilers so read along with us!  Excited about the young adult cancer book club?  Have any suggestions for future reads?  Let us know!

Welcome to the comments and discussion of the Young Adult Cancer Book Club! We are reading Brave Enough by Kati Gardner!   Catch up on Chapter 1, Chapters 2-5, and Chapters 6-8.

Week 4: Chapters 9-11

Commentary by Taylor K.:

Chapter 9 starts with Davis waking up in the hospital after things went south with Ethan. He doesn’t have a great relationship with the law, so he is debating telling his parents and the police what really happened. Cason visits and he tells her the truth. The next day, Cason’s counts start to plummet so she is getting a blood transfusion. Heather and Davis stop by to distract her from the blood. They decide to play Uno and make a bet about shaving Cason’s head. She loses the game (and the bet) almost on purpose to finally have some control in her life.

I really resonated with those feelings. When I started losing my hair, I was in shock for a bit. I thought maybe it would stop before it got too bad? The realization that that definitely wouldn’t happen then brought on the same control thoughts that Cason had. This is what I had control of so my husband and I blasted some music and made it a party. Bon Voyage, hair!

This section ends with Dr. Henderson looking over Davis himself and talking about what happened. Dr. H. gave his support and reasoning for Davis to tell the truth. Afterwards, Cason and Davis agree to make yet another bet over Uno about going to the cops. Davis loses but like Cason, doesn’t really mind following through with the bet.

Commentary by Krystal H.:

These chapters contain one of my favorite scenes in the book—the shaving scene!

I connected with this scene on multiple levels. It seems to be something that Cason is open to doing, but there’s the issue of her mom’s approval and Cason’s own reluctance to go through with it. Then comes along Davis, with a silly card game and a gentle push to finally do it in the guise of a bet.

Sometimes, that sort of light-hearted support is what we need to actually do something that’s good for us, but that we’re also reluctant to do. I definitely needed something along those lines when I was starting my diagnosis process. I didn’t want to go to the doctor about the lump in my neck, and my friends lovingly chided me into downloading an app to search for doctors in the area.

The shaving scene itself was adorable. I almost wished I had decided to shave my head, instead of just letting everything fall out. In the end, I think just letting it go was my way of dealing with that aspect of the cancer experience, and I’m happy with my decision. I think I needed a slow goodbye to the super-long hair that I’d carried around all my life. Watching it fall away, in the end, was very freeing.

Speaking of different ways to deal with things, I feel like Cason’s mom really illustrates just how hard it is for some family members/friends to come to grips with what’s happening to their loved ones. I have so many friends whose families don’t get it, or who don’t want to acknowledge the trauma that cancer causes. I had friends who couldn’t seem to come to grips with it, too. Cason, in these chapters, is acknowledging what’s happening to her in a healthy way, accepting the things she can and cannot change—and acting on it.

Her mom, on the other hand, is still trying to hold on to normalcy when things just aren’t normal anymore. Even though she’s a frustrating character, I’m glad she’s written like that. I feel like sometimes we just expect family members to automatically be super supportive and accepting, but they’re people too, with their own mess and character flaws and issues to deal with. Acceptance from family members isn’t always forthcoming, and this is reality for a number of my cancer friends. I feel like Cason’s mom’s struggle with acceptance over her daughter’s illness quite nicely illustrates the complexities of such a situation—simultaneously conveying the pain felt by Cason at her mom’s denial, while also clearly showing her mother’s love for her.

Join in next Monday for the comments and discussion on chapters 12-15!
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We will talk about a few chapters each Monday until the book is done. If Monday happens to be a holiday, then the post will publish on Tuesday. Once we finish the book, we’ll use one more Monday to talk about general feelings from the book and anything else you’d like to discuss. We’ll also have a video chat book club discussion at the end! Join in, in the comments every week! Also, there will probably be spoilers so read along with us!  Excited about the young adult cancer book club?  Have any suggestions for future reads?  Let us know!

Welcome to the comments and discussion of the Young Adult Cancer Book Club! We are reading Brave Enough by Kati Gardner!   Catch up on Chapter 1 and Chapters 2-5.

Week 3: Chapters 6-8

Commentary by Aerial D.:

We dive right into the middle of Cason’s first chemo round. Her child life specialist, Heather, is introduced and is communicating to Cason and her mom, Natalie, about the different programs that Cason is eligible for. Natalie is uninterested, if not borderline offended that Heather would assume any of this applies to the two of them. I think this probably coming from a place of denial. I can only imagine how hard it is for Natalie to accept that her daughter’s dance trajectory will not come to fruition. However, this is not helping Cason at all, and luckily Heather is pretty receptive to this and is able to come back and have a more productive conversation while Natalie is grabbing lunch.

As we get to know Davis more, we learn how much of a battle with narcotics he still has. Every day takes considerable willpower to not use. Volunteering at the hospital seems to be helpful and he enjoys helping take care of Cason. Unfortunately, he runs into a dealer, Ethan, on the way out of NA and has quite a kerfuffle. We later learn he ends up in the ER.

When we pivot back to Cason, she starts losing her hair and almost in the same breath, we learn that she also made it into the Studio Company. This turns into a particularly low point for her. Having cancer is finally starting to set in, as the chemo is making her more sick, her physical appearance is quickly changing, and now a goal that she had been working on for a long time is finally in her grasp but she is unable to reap the rewards of achieving it. This, in a nutshell, I feel like perfectly sums up several young adult cancer survivors’ lives. Cancer never comes at a convenient time and definitely completely derails whatever goals are trying to be achieved at the time of diagnosis.

I’m looking forward to seeing how Cason accepts and handles what her diagnosis and treatment plan throw at her, and how she is able to adapt!

 

Join in next Monday for the comments and discussion on chapters 9-11!
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We will talk about a few chapters each Monday until the book is done. If Monday happens to be a holiday, then the post will publish on Tuesday. Once we finish the book, we’ll use one more Monday to talk about general feelings from the book and anything else you’d like to discuss. We’ll also have a video chat book club discussion at the end! Join in, in the comments every week! Also, there will probably be spoilers so read along with us!  Excited about the young adult cancer book club?  Have any suggestions for future reads?  Let us know!

Welcome to the comments and discussion of the Young Adult Cancer Book Club! We are reading Brave Enough by Kati Gardner!   Catch up on Chapter 1.

Week 2: Chapters 2-5

Commentary by Dana M.:

Chapter 2:  It’s appropriate to start Cason’s story with her first day of chemo. For many cancer patients, it’s not until treatment starts that the severity or impact of cancer begins to hit you. Up until treatment begins, there’s a lot of talk about what to expect, and options for treatment, but you probably haven’t self-identified as a cancer patient or person with cancer.

One thing that Cason describes is her feelings toward her oncologist. It’s a difficult relationship since you want to trust your medical team, and there is usually a level of respect, but they are also someone who delivers terrible news sometimes. On page 28, it says “Dr. Henderson had looked at Cason and as delicately as he could, had destroyed her life”. A couple of pages later, it also says “She knew he wasn’t responsible… but it was like her brain couldn’t help but hate him” (pg 33). I have definitely felt this toward my oncologists at times, where there is a gut reaction to hate this person who is delivering bad news, or causing you pain with treatments like chemo or surgery. Sometimes I’ve had to remind myself that the oncology team wants to help you and that is their job; they don’t want to watch you suffer. You just need a reminder not to kill the messenger.

At the end of Chapter 2, there’s an interaction between Cason and her mother, where her mom describes Cason as tough because she’s a dancer. “Cason thought that was the most idiotic thing she’d heard lately. Cancer and dancing… could never be compared on the scale of toughness. It was obvious that Natalie Martin was not the one with a disease or she would know this.” (pg 34) I loved this bit because I completely agreed with it. Until you’re the one fighting to live, you have no idea how strong you can be or how much you can handle. Some people cope well with their illnesses, and others don’t, but it has nothing to do with your day job. Many people will say things like “you’re so strong” or “you’re so brave”, and you’re sitting there thinking “my choices were basically to go into treatment or do nothing. You wouldn’t call me brave if I wanted treatment for a broken bone.” Also, as much as some people want to help, or think they’re helping, they may say the wrong thing.

Chapter 3:  This chapter sums up how I often feel when thinking of friends with cancer or other illnesses. On page 39, Amanda, Davis’s mother, says “it’s out of our control… we can send out good thoughts.” Like Davis, I sometimes think that’s a load of BS. “It never felt active enough… he wanted to be able to do something” (pg 39). Sometimes I think it’s harder to be a supporter than it is to be the person who is ill. As a supporter, you can only do so much to help the other person, but prayer and good thoughts aren’t active enough and you often feel helpless in terms of what you can do.

Chapter 4:  This chapter explores the dichotomy of wanting support as a cancer patient or supporter or wanting to disconnect more and avoid support groups. Cason seems to be more interested in finding support, while her mother’s attitude is to keep pretending that nothing is wrong and that they don’t need support.
I think that I was lucky as shortly after diagnosis I was introduced to a cancer support group for young women, which offered free, overnight retreats. With my oncology team, we were able to plan treatments so I was well enough to attend a retreat. I don’t think I would be coping as well with my diagnosis without that support and other support I have. I’m guessing that later in this book, Cason will be going to a support group.

Chapter 5:  This was the chapter where I related most to Davis so far. While talking to his friend, Jase, he seems to be protective of Cason, though they’re not very close. I have found myself in similar situations where I have become something like a mentor to other young people with cancer. As you become more familiar with your diagnosis and the intricacies of the medical/hospital systems you can help new cancer patients and introduce them to different supports. Some of the best advice given between Jase and Davis is to listen to Cason, or whoever else is coming to you, needing support. Lots of times people really just need to get things off their chest and vent to someone. I have also found that some of the most helpful moments I’ve had with friends are when they’ve just listened to me explain whatever issues it is that I’m having.

Commentary by Zeba T.:

These 4 chapters really set the stage for the book with the introduction of Cason and Davis who meet each other at the hospital – one recently diagnosed with cancer, the other in remission and struggling with addiction. These first few chapters gave a glimpse into the lives of the two characters by narrating their points of views, and how they were deeply affected by life’s events. Cason is a ballerina trying to make it when she finds out she has cancer, and Davis a cancer “survivor” completing community service. There is an interesting framing around the stories of these characters as Cason’s seems to be falling apart and perhaps Davis’ as well, but he is learning to pick up the pieces from his past and move on. The vulnerability expressed through Cason’s character as she begins to wrap her head around her diagnosis, is one that struck me.

Although I was diagnosed almost 14 years ago, I remember exactly what I was thinking and how I was feeling trying to comprehend everything. Nothing really made sense, but those around me were trying to comfort me and pretend that everything was okay without a regard for how I was feeling. Below are a few quotes that really resonated with me:

“She wasn’t Cason Martin, prima ballerina, anymore. She was Cason Martin, number T7654908, cancer patient.” p 28

“Anxiety filled her gut, tingling and skirting around her abdomen before chasing signals and making its way up her nervous system, attaching itself to all her nerve endings. She took a deep breath, refusing to let it get the better of her. She would stay calm. She would not scream and cry like her soul begged her to do so.” p 28-29

“He always greeted her first. She would have preferred he forget she existed. Maybe if he only talked to her mom about all of this, then it wouldn’t be real. She wouldn’t be sick. She wouldn’t have cancer.” p 33

Join in next Monday for the comments and discussion on chapters 6-8!
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We will talk about a few chapters each Monday until the book is done. If Monday happens to be a holiday, then the post will publish on Tuesday. Once we finish the book, we’ll use one more Monday to talk about general feelings from the book and anything else you’d like to discuss. We’ll also have a video chat book club discussion at the end! Join in, in the comments every week! Also, there will probably be spoilers so read along with us!  Excited about the young adult cancer book club?  Have any suggestions for future reads?  Let us know!

Welcome to the comments and discussion of the Young Adult Cancer Book Club! We are reading Brave Enough by Kati Gardner!

Week 1: Prologues and Chapter 1

Commentary by Alyssa G.:

In the prologue of the book we are introduced to the two main subjects. We meet Cason and Davis.

Immediately I felt as though I could relate to Cason. She begins to describe the pain she is feeling while ballet dancing. The details and explanations of the pain she feels in her leg make are just amazing. In a way, it reminded me of the pain I felt in my legs throughout my cancer journey. Like Cason, I always tried to tell myself it was just a pulled muscle or something, until it hit the breaking point and I realized it was something much worse. You also see the family struggle immediately between the Cason and her mother. This relationship also struck me as I feel sometimes it is frustrating trying to please other family members in completing task and things they want done.

Next we meet Davis. We learn that Davis had been arrested for possession of narcotics and sentenced to 300 hours of community service. He must serve those 300 hours at the oncology clinic he was treated at. When I was in treatment I volunteered at the children’s hospital where I was treated. Later in the first chapter, we find out Davis really enjoyed his time working at the clinic. Like Davis, I loved volunteering at the hospital, so I like that I have been able to connect to both characters already.

Overall, I really enjoyed the prologues and the first chapter. I thought the characters were introduced well. It was also easy to follow along and you begin to see where the two characters could be connected in the story quickly. I enjoyed these chapters a lot.

Commentary by Coleen S:

I immediately identified with Carson, the first character introduced in the Prologue. She has been punishing herself physically and mentally to achieve her goals. Unlike with myself, I can see that cancer (as it does) is about to sweep in and break everything for her: her life plans, her leg, and her trust in her body. I can also see that her mother is going to have a challenging time handling a daughter with a serious illness. I am hoping that their relationship goes through positive change later on in the book.

By the end of the Prologue, we’ve met both of the main characters (Carson and Davis). They are each at a different point in their cancer journey. Carson is at the beginning and Davis is post-treatment, but still struggling to figure out what he wants his post-treatment life to look like. Since so many of us struggle with this, I’m eager to read more about Davis’s journey.

By the end of Chapter 1, I’m impatient for Carson and Davis to meet. They haven’t yet, but it’s obvious that they will encounter one another in the oncology unit. I am also rooting for Davis against his drug addiction. Unlike Carson, who seems to be a loner, we are introduced to Davis’s support system of family and friends. It’s not easy sailing for Davis though. He also has to contend with people that he used to use drugs with, including an unstable and seemingly manipulative ex-girlfriend.

Join in next Monday for the comments and discussion on chapters 2-5!
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We will talk about a few chapters each Monday until the book is done. If Monday happens to be a holiday, then the post will publish on Tuesday. Once we finish the book, we’ll use one more Monday to talk about general feelings from the book and anything else you’d like to discuss. We’ll also have a video chat book club discussion at the end! Join in, in the comments every week! Also, there will probably be spoilers so read along with us!  Excited about the young adult cancer book club?  Have any suggestions for future reads?  Let us know!