Write Now with Jean Rowe: Matters of the Heart

snow heart held by red gloved hands

Lacuna Loft is proud to present Write Now with Jean Rowe! Each month, come on over to Young Adult Voices and read everything Jean Rowe, Certified Journal Therapist, has to say! Love what you’re reading? Check out the many programs Jean is facilitating (including 30 Minute Tune-Up, Lost and Found, Lacuna Loft’s Weekly Journal Prompt, and It’s a Wonderful Life) and sign up to join one today!

February brings valentines, and this month, I encourage us to think of ways we can and do love ourselves. Love is action. Love is a verb. Love is a choice. Maybe this feels awkward. Try anyway. You’re worth it.

Here is some wisdom of those who love/loved themselves:

James Brown – Super Bad
I jump back. I wanna kiss myself.

Lady Gaga – Born This Way
I’m right on the track, baby.

Tom Petty – Won’t Back Down
And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down.

Whitney Houston – Greatest Love of All
Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.

Lou Rawls – One Life to Live
Why don’t you give it your best shot.

Madonna – Vogue
All you need is your own imagination.

What would happen if you use your own imagination, gave it your best shot, loved yourself, kept the world from draggin’ you down, got right on the track, and, yes, jumped back and kissed yourself?

Try this: pick one of those ideas or several. Act as if they are already in place. Write a day in your life with them already in place. Write for five minutes. Have a sense of wonder and open-heartedness at what is revealed.

Let me know how it goes. I’d love to hear from you!

We set the bar for how we want others to treat us.
-Lisa Marie

Your Definition of Love Determines How You Experience It

Ever Have A Really Bad Day?

fishing boats

Do you ever have really bad days?  You know the kind I’m talking about?  The kind of day where something happens early on that knocks you off balance, then you forget your power cord at home and only figure it out once you’ve commuted to work, then you learn about a recent relapse of a friend’s cancer, then the internet at work sucks and you can barely do your job, then you miss the train heading home and end up arriving late at your next meeting, and on and on and on?

Yea, me too.

What do you do to *fix* these days?

Seriously, chime in.  I have my own ways but everyone has different techniques and creating a list would be so helpful!  I take 30 minutes to myself, take a hot shower, go for a run, or make myself a hot cup of tea.  I also try to be kind to myself while taking that time for myself and trying to reset.  When I’m stressed the whole time worrying whether I’m wasting time…it doesn’t help.

What do you do to fix a day that started off wrong? Fixing bad days is a matter of self-care and we’d love to hear how you show yourself some love.  Let us know!

Flashback #6: 10 More Things About Cancer In Your 20s

cancer in your 20s

To celebrate our 2-year anniversary of being a nonprofit, Lacuna Loft is bringing back our top 31 articles from our archives!  The countdown to our top post is continuing today with Flashback #6: 10 More Things About Cancer In Your 20s, written by Mallory. These 31 articles are the best of the best and we’re very happy to share them with you again!  The countdown continues tomorrow!

….10 More Things About Cancer In Your 20s (or 30s)

    • 1.  Life will often feel divided between “before Cancer” and “after Cancer.”

I remember exactly the day that I was diagnosed.  I remember my hobbies and habits before cancer and I know how they have changed after cancer.  I sometimes think longingly of my pre-cancer self and sometimes I feel empowered by my post-cancer self, kicking ass and taking names………

……

Read the rest of the article here!

Stronger Than I Knew

cancer survivor tattoo

When I was first diagnosed, I turned to my husband and told him I didn’t think I was strong enough to make it through something so monumentally difficult. I didn’t think I had the strength to carry on and the hope necessary to face my own mortality. It turns out I couldn’t have been more wrong… I am stronger than I knew!

If you’ve followed my blog from the beginning you have seen my reflections on personal growth and how I have used this journey as an opportunity to learn more about myself and grow as an individual, a friend and a partner. The insecure woman living in fear who existed prior to cancer is gone. Cancer helped me find the power and self love within that I needed to make this life my own and live each day with purpose and happiness.

When I woke up today, the power of my growth and strength stopped me in my tracks. I was overcome by emotion. After everything I have been through, I cling to these emotions. They serve as proof of my journey — the reward at the end of the tunnel. I made it through a year filled with pain, struggle and heartbreak. Though I am far from unscathed, the strength and confidence I have gained is a priceless gift. I now believe that I am worthy of everything that life has to offer. No matter what my future holds and what challenges I must face, I know without a doubt that I am strong enough to survive and thrive!

The tattoo I got today represents all of this power I feel. I am stronger than I ever knew and I will continue to move forward, one day at a time. My story is not finished and I have so many more pages to add. I hope that my story will inspire you to live your life in the same way. Grateful for every moment and appreciative of your inner beauty and strength. Never underestimate yourself. You are stronger, braver and more beautiful than you ever knew.

Originally published on mycancerchic.com.

Living Beyond Breast Cancer: The Fear of Missing Out

fear of missing out after cancer

After one cycle of IVF, egg retrieval and preservation, 6 rounds of chemo, and 2 surgeries I thought I was done missing out on all the fun. Turns out I was wrong once again. It’s like a sick trick. Each day of your fight, you use the end of treatment as your goal post, your milestone for success and completion. But once you get there, you realize that the end of treatment is only a rest stop in your never ending battle. A milestone worth celebrating for sure, but far from the end.

Many people don’t understand this. They think the end of chemotherapy or radiation marks the end of your fight. I can’t fault them for this misconception because a year and a half ago I too was uninformed. Unfortunately, this is one of the biggest misconceptions surrounding a cancer diagnosis — life after cancer and what it’s really like. Hormone blocking therapy, regular doctor’s visits and reconstructive surgeries and revisions will continue to be my reality for many months and years to come. I’m looking at 5-10 more years of maintenance treatment, all of which has everyday impacts on my life. Joint pain that limits the use of my thumb and dominate hand, hot flashes that keep me up at night, weight gain that impacts my self-esteem, and a plethora of other menopausal symptoms that impact my body from head to toe. So life is far from normal for me.

Despite the ongoing symptoms and struggles, I did what most survivors do post-treatment. I decided to make the most of this life I have to live. Cancer was a wakeup call to live in the moment and enjoy the things in my life that continue to bring me joy. I threw myself back into work, exercise, and my friendships. I took advantage of every opportunity to share my story and work on breast advocacy and awareness in my community. For the past 8 months since my last major surgery, my life has been a pretty amazing whirlwind. I received a promotion at work, grew my blog to new levels, traveled to Europe, collaborated with amazing organizations to spread awareness about young women with breast cancer and started the first Raleigh Young Women’s Breast Cancer Support Group. I even walked the runway in a World of Pink Fashion Show helping raise over $20,000 for women battling breast cancer in Long Island, NY.

all-dressed-up

The more I invested of myself into these amazing causes, the more projects I took on, I began to hear a little voice in the back of my head warning me to slow down. I knew I needed to rest, take a breath, but things were moving so quickly and I didn’t want to miss out on a single opportunity. I’d spent enough time missing out while I was sick, this was my time to live! I wanted to help every young woman who came into my life and wanted to make a difference in the fight again breast cancer.

art-workshop

And then the flu hit. Now some of you may be thinking It’s just the flu what’s the big deal. A few days off work, a few days in bed and you’ll be back to normal… but for me this was like treatment all over again. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder at its best. As I sat in the bathroom hugging the toilet, heaving, the chemo nightmares returned. The fear that I would never get better, and that everyone would move on without me took over my psyche. The fear of never recovering from this stage of physical misery snaked through my veins.

Though, a sane person like myself can differentiate the flu from chemo, the symptoms are actually quite similar and you can imagine how the memories flooded back like a song triggering long lost emotions. While reliving the worst days after chemo (and the dreaded Nuelasta shots), what I remembered the most was this sadness of feeling left out — forgotten. I was fearful and uncomfortable missing out on all the fun and the normal stuff. Sick in bed fighting for my life, while friends, family, and coworkers went about their days enjoying the everyday moments and adventures that life has to offer. I remember feeling alone in these emotions, selfish and confused.

Though almost a year of recovery and life beyond breast cancer has given me a sense of growth and perspective I can appreciate, I share these feelings today to let other women know that you are not alone. I share these feeling to remind you that the fight does not end on your final chemo day, or your final surgery day. When your physical battle wanes, your mental battle begins. You may want to make up for lost time, still fearful of missing out on the moments you used to take for granted. But, it is enough to just live! Sometimes I forget this trying to jump back into the full speed race I was in before. But I can’t maintain that pace. I had to get sick again to remind me to slow down, remind me yet again that I am not invincible and I have to take care of my body. In order to do this, I have to create a new path. One filled with balance, self-care, and gratitude. I may miss out things my friends, colleagues, and family will experience but I just have to believe that better things will be waiting for me around the next bend. Here’s to my new journey, my new path, and may it be a very long one!

vertical-anna-photo

Originally published on mycancerchic.com

The Look What Cancer Stole From Me Petting Zoo

self-care

This post was lost in our drafts and written over a year ago, while I was getting ready to move from Central Illinois to California.  I stumbled across it while taking care of some of our website backend and thought I’d share it…even outdated as it is (I’m completely situated in California now…goodness moving is tough).

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I am moving soon.  By soon, I mean VERY soon.  While I’ll definitely go into more details later this summer, suffice it to say that I have a lot on my plate this week.  The plan was to pack and work until I dropped, get the house ready (and dog proofed) for someone to stay in it and watch the pups, go on vacation, and then get back this week and pack until the move.

Well I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off,  I packed and worked, the house was cleaned and straightened, I went on an awesome vacation, and now I’m back home….with a full blown sinus infection AND pink eye.  (Seriously though, who gets pink eye at 29 years old?!)

I am experiencing my last chunk of time in a community where I have lived for almost 11 years, trying to say goodbye to dear people, and lovingly pack up the rest of my belongings… and instead of being able to do this on my own terms, I am on antibiotics, contagious, and not feeling very well.  This lack of control over my health and my environment makes me frustrated and frantic.  I can feel the rest of my stuff vibrating behind the closet doors, screaming to be packed into nicely rectangular boxes.

Don’t you love plans?  As a young adult cancer survivor, I can tell you that plans are just beautifully drawn outlines of what we’d like to happen in a perfect world.  But you know what?  This world isn’t perfect.  So, I’ll level with you.  My sinus infection and even my pink eye are not cancer’s fault.  So much else in my life feels like cancer’s fault that I often jumble it all together into a look-what-cancer-stole petting zoo of sorts.

There, at the petting zoo, I can arrange all of the things that cancer stole and took and bribed away and pinched and squandered, while I stare in amazement at the whole of my life and it’s possibilities, both lost and intact.

I want to enjoy my last moments in this wonderful home of mine.  I want to do it on my own terms and in my own time.  And I most assuredly want to do it without my head throbbing and my eyeballs being contagious.

That is what the cancer stole petting zoo evokes in me.  This melodramatic approach to living where every second counts and yet this strong need to understand the purpose of the second pushes forward.  While I can wish I were healthier at this exact moment and sit here feeling pitiful, the seconds of my time in Central Illinois tick by.  While my pulsing sinuses keep the boxes from being packed, I have a choice.  Even with the look-what-cancer-stole petting zoo looming from the distance, I can realize that this moment is mine to do with as I wish.  While reality gets it’s awful chance to climb on into the boat, I can assess the situation and choose to take care of myself.  I can realize that cancer was here, and has a presence at the table (as does my sinus infection and my pink eye), but that my heart and self-care also have a place set.  So, with compassion and care, I will move forward into this week of packing and add dashes of love and self-care along the way.

How do you add self-care into your stressful moments, either cancer or non-cancer related?

A First Timer’s Go At Meditation

guided meditation

I’ve been told again and again that meditation is great.  I’ve attended a talk by the wonderfully gifted founder of True North Treks where he explained exactly how accessible meditation is and how awesome its health benefits are.  I even downloaded this app a few months ago.  Then I moved to a new place where I knew almost no one and tried my best to help my family adjust to a new part of the country and a new way of life.  Carving out a few minutes of each day to be mindful and meditate seemed easy enough but I never actually acted on it.

I finally decided that I needed to make a new and positive change.  I realized that I was almost always tense in this new place.  I stayed at home more often than not because staying there with my two pups felt most familiar.  Even at my new home, I felt anxious, distracted, and searching for even more distraction.  So far, I hadn’t been able to just sit and feel calm and relaxed in my new environment.  Something needed to shift.  Small hiccups in my day would produce tears.  One small unwanted change in the flow of my day and my entire sense of personal stability would be derailed.

Enter Headspace.  Thanks to their Get Some / Give Some program, Lacuna Loft has been given free subscriptions to their guided meditations that we’re giving to young adult cancer survivors or caregivers that you can access from your computer or smart phone.  (If you want one and you’re a young adult cancer survivor or caregiver, go here!)

My first 10 days of meditating were life changing…  10 minutes of calm and focus and breathing makes a world of difference in my day.  Then I moved onto the next 10, and the next.

Simple enough right!  Start with 10 minutes, for 10 days.  Then you can use your free subscription to move onto the other great, guided meditation sessions Headspace provides.

Let us know how meditating works for you!

An Interactive Self-Care Guide

Ever struggled with self-care or even deciding what you needed in a given moment?  Well now there is a website, just for that.  This interactive self-care guide asks you a series of questions, even offering you time to work through suggestions based on your responses, helping you to take steps towards greater self-awareness and self-care.

self care guideThe prompts invite you to take steps to assess your own state of being and to make any necessary adjustments to improve it.

Try the self-care guide out!  Let us know what you think!

 

I Don’t Cherish Every Minute

cancer survivorship

It’s a cliché, I think, that cancer gives you a new outlook on life, a renewed appreciation for each day. Inspirational memes about making each moment count abound.

But just because they’re clichés doesn’t make them false. It turns out that facing your own mortality, and all the dark days that are often a part of it, can help create the contrast that makes so many other days so bright.

Getting thyroid cancer – twice – did change my lens on life. When my cancer recurred, I promised my husband over dinner while on a quick pre-treatment getaway that I’d work less at a job where the hours were too long and the environment too toxic – and I did. (And then I found a new job, where I don’t have to fight so hard to work normal hours and I don’t carry anxiety home in my tote bag.)

I took steps to tune in to the good. I practiced gratitude, writing lists of things I was thankful for every day. I got high on the endorphins that running brings. I cooked good food and drank good wine.

But cherish every minute, and make the most of every day? Nope. Not while I was in active treatment, and not today, years later. That’s a lot to ask of a person, and a lot of time to be “on.” It’s a standard I can’t meet. I had cancer, but I’m no Pollyanna.

Because some days I just want to veg out. I want to hang out in sweatpants and watch too much TV and eat food that’s not particularly good for me. They’re days that I know I won’t have much to show for. I won’t have made the most of every minute.

And then there are the less-than-good days — the days where I’ve slept little the night before, where my patience wears thin, where the food spills on the floor AGAIN. They’re the days when nitpicking replaces gratitude, when I’m too short with everyone in my house, when I yell too much. Rather than cherishing them, they’re the days that I’d just as soon forget.

Sometimes I feel guilty when I hear someone say that cancer has made them grateful for every minute. I’m happy for them, and puzzled for myself. What’s wrong with me that cancer didn’t leave infinite patience and grace in the place of my now-missing thyroid? That I continue to get annoyed in traffic and sigh in long lines, and yes, even still sweat the small stuff?

And then I cut myself some slack. I remind myself that I wasn’t perfect before cancer, and I’m not perfect now. And I try to remember, after I watch some mindless TV, to write a few good things in my gratitude journal.

How do you live through your young adult cancer survivorship?

Today I Am – Caregiving For Me

In the land of illness, cancer survivorship, and being a caregiver, some days are better than others.  How we care for ourselves is important.  My most recent article with the Cancer Knowledge Network focuses on all of the feelings that can come with survivorship and caregiving … and how through it all, the one constant is *you.*  You can make all the difference for you, whether you enjoy your current set of emotions or not.

There isn’t always a silver lining and there isn’t always a happy ending, but through it all, there is me.

You can read the whole article here!  Self-care isn’t always easy but it is always necessary.